Everyone is going to think I’m nuts, but I need advice from someone who has been in my situation or something like it. My boyfriend is a corpsman with the navy. He is supposed to be deployed sometime in April. We have known each other since December. In January he asked me to be his girl, the next day he left for training and was gone for 5 weeks. He came back three weeks ago and I have only been able to see him once a week since then. Last week I was at his house and he and his buddies were drinking. He asked me to marry him. I am fully aware that there is a huge chance that is was the alcohol talking. Before we went to bed that night he was sobered up and again asked me if I wanted to be his wife. I know it’s crazy, but I said yes. I have not seen him since that night and haven’t heard from him at all in 4 days. Was he serious, does he think I’m not going to be here waiting for him when he gets back from deployment? I understand if it was the alcohol talking and not him, I agree it was too much too fast but that doesn’t change the fact that I want to be with him. What should I do? I haven’t heard from him and I’m going nuts thinking that he has bailed.
What should I do?
~ Blindsided
Dear Blindsided,
Personally, I would never take a proposal seriously in your situation. Perhaps that’s the real reason engagement rings are such a popular tradition, because there can be no mistaking intent and it leaves less room for impulsiveness.
There are any number of reasons why you may not have heard from him but realistically he may have scared himself and need time to figure out his next move or he may regret what he said and be too cowardly to address it with you. Either way, unless he actually speaks with you there’s little you can say or do to change the situation. All you can do is look after yourself; hope for the best but plan for the worst.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 3 years. He lives in Italy and I am in the US. I've stayed with him through the summers for the past 3 years. For most of our relationship, my boyfriend would make it a point to e-mail me and touch base, especially since we are so far apart. For the first 1.5 years we even exchanged many letters by post. We made plans, shared our dreams, and did normal lovey-dovey things that couples do. Lately, for the past few months, my boyfriend has grown distant. When I ask him why, he just says he is busy with his PhD thesis which is due shortly. I am lucky to get 3 e-mails a month from him, and the tone is nothing like before. We have already had arguments and I've let him know that the level of communication is troubling me. He doesn't seem to have an answer and just says all he does is work and sleep so he has no time to chat (also recently he moved and has no internet at his apartment and doesn't want to install it because of the thesis pressure). He said the internet is a distraction for him. It saddens me because this is our main form of communication while we are apart.
I am ready to end things with him because he is so aloof, he does not seem to understand how much pain this is causing me (no matter how many times I verbalize it). I can't get through to him.
I know he is busy and I don't want to interfere with his work, but I am starting to feel more like a stranger and less like a girlfriend.
Do I end it, Miss U?
~ Tearful in Texas
Dear Tearful,
How soon is soon? If his thesis is due in a month or so, I would stick it out and see if he returns to his usual self once it is past – and then have a massive discussion with him about how it’s not alright to just dismiss your needs within the relationship because he’s stressed. If soon is several more months however, then yes, I’d recommend ending it. If this is how he’s going to act toward you every time he encounters stress in his professional life, then it probably isn’t worth it. Yes, you do need to be lenient because this is a really big thing for him, but he also must meet you half way.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I started dating 5 months before I left to a boarding school for art. So far, we've been doing great. Our only real problem is that he has some psychological issues that used to be easier to deal with when I could be there to physically comfort him. Because of incidents that have happened to him throughout his life, he has abandonment issues, self-esteem issues, etc. Growing up he's learned to shut down whenever he's under too much anxiety or depression so he doesn't have to deal with it. When we started dating I tried to get him out of this habit. It took a lot of time and patience but I would get him to talk about his problems and I'd be able to hug/kiss him to comfort him when he needed it.
Unfortunately, there isn't a lot I can do now whenever he shuts down over Skype because of problems in college or at work. I can only talk to him and hope that he finds the strength to talk back but w/o the physicality even this doesn't often help. This can also get in the way whenever we're arguing or trying to talk out an issue. No matter how I word it, he almost always blames it on himself, which leads to shutting down.
He tries hard to change, but he doesn't have the money to get professional help and it sucks feeling so helpless when I know he's under so much distress. It gets even worse whenever I start to get impatient with him, even though I know it's not his fault and he's trying.
How can I comfort my boyfriend from 772 miles away?
~ Blatant Bell
Dear Bell,
You must understand that you are not a trained professional – which is what he needs. You’re doing a great job; it’s fantastic that you have not given up on him and that you’re providing the love and support that a good partner should, but I must say there’s only so much of this that is healthy to take on yourself. Bluntly put – it’s not your job to fix him.
That aside, perhaps he might respond to ‘rewards’. When he does open up and talk to you, show him that you noticed. Praise him for it the next day or even send him small gifts to encourage him. A nice card about friendship and a few words about how it makes you feel when he opens up to you could go a long way. Or you could make him a small cozy blanket, and when he’s talking to you remind him to wrap himself up in it. You could call it a hugging blanket.
If you anticipate a hard day for him, or he sends you a message during the day that lets you know life is getting him down, you can send him a joke to brighten his day or even take a quick picture with your phone and send it to him with a cute caption. Sometimes laughter is the best medicine (as long as he doesn’t feel you’re making light of his problems. Timing is everything)
You are probably helping him far more than you realize, just continue to love him and stand by him.
Sincerely,
Miss U
