I've been in a relationship with my partner for 3 years this coming August. We're over 3500 miles apart, with a time difference of 6 hours, and we can only see each other once or twice a year. We talk every day, and I felt we've always had things to talk about. Lately though, I become so quick to anger. I get annoyed when I talk to him. Right now he's in University, while I'm at home, doing much of nothing. I was going to college, but didn't return after the first quarter because I decided to transfer to another school which I'll be going to in September. I saw him in during Christmas and everything was fine then. Now, every time he wants to talk, I just want to do anything besides talk. I don't want to just talk. I don't want to watch any more movies/documentaries/shows. I don't want to play online games. I want to get out and do things together, but we can't. I think this is the reason why I get so quick to anger. It's like I blow up. I'm not mad at him, I'm just tired of the same old stuff. I love him so much and I don't want to feel that I'm angry every time I talk to him. Sometimes I feel we should break up, and I threaten him with it...but I really don't want to. I want this to work and I know it's me who has to change. He's been so flexible and patient in this relationship, but I just feel like I'm not pulling my weight. Because I start fights so much, every time we try to talk, I expect an argument. Most of the time they're created by me. What do I do?
- Looking for a solution.
Dear LFAS,
Your first step is to find something to do with your time. Something productive and exciting. Something that at the end of the day you'll be bursting to talk about. Something that will make your life feel worthwhile again.
Secondly, have you told him that you realize you've been about as fun as a moldy sandwich, and that you're frustrated with your life and the distance rather than with him? Because understanding why you're going through this will help him weather the storm with you and perhaps you may even find some solutions together. This anger is a common thing in the realities of people who feel like their lives are on pause; which is a feeling that can be hard to avoid in a long distance relationship.
And lastly, dig deeper to find fun things to do together. Can you talk on a phone while taking a walk together-but-separately? Can you go outside together with the aid of laptops? Read together at the park or even eat out together at a restaurant with the help of a tablet? Long distance is not so uncommon that people are going to make a big deal out of it if you take your date night to a café instead of locking yourselves in darkened rooms. There are devices and apps galore, and many places have free WiFi, take advantage of the technology that can make this stage of your lives easier. Perhaps while you're at it you can plan a holiday for the next time you're together, meet up somewhere new and exciting instead of doing a visit to each other's homes.
It's up to you to not be the moldy sandwich. It's in your power to choose not to start that fight. When something provocative slips out between your teeth say "Wait! That was inappropriate, let me re-word that.” Don't let things turn into an argument. You know what you're doing, so take control. If you're getting restless, say so. Talk a little less, and share photos of whatever it was you did instead with him, just for a while until this rocky patch passes. And LFAS, never threaten to break up. In fact, avoid saying anything you don't actually mean, but especially that. Using threats to get your way or to hurt your partner is the lowest of the low. It's a game you don't need to be playing; don't pull that card unless whatever you're fighting about is a real honest-to-dust deal breaker. Otherwise when something truly is that important your words will have no weight.
Don't be the moldy sandwich at the picnic.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have a habit of sleeping over a Skype call. Embarrassingly enough, I can't sleep without it anymore. We spend almost every minute we can just Skyping. Sure, we talk, play games, make goofy faces, and have a good ol' time, but are we pushing things a bit far by saying "Good night, see you in the morning?"
Don't get me wrong, I like waking up to his dimpled face whenever I'm having a nightmare or punching the alarm clock. I'm just wondering if we need to take a step back. So, should we stay the way we are or take a few baby steps back?
~ Kansas's Cupcake
Dear Cupcake,
Mr. E and I are big fans of Skype sleeping. I remember one night, not long after we had a visit, we were settling in and he said to me "Do you think we do this too often?” I will tell you now what I told him those many moons ago: "Normal" couples get to sleep beside their lover every night.
If anything, I would say you should take a step back during the day – remember to hang out with family and play games with your friends too! – but nights are intimate. Nights are when we feel the loneliest. Nights are for cuddling, and love making and sleeping in the arms of the one that completes your heart. If the closest you can get to that is listening to each other snore via voice-chat and watching each other drool on separate pillows through webcam, more power to you.
Why should you sleep alone if you don't have to? Do what it takes to make your relationship as fulfilling as it can be. Wouldn't it be silly to back away from happiness?
Sincerely,
Miss U
