Basically, I've been friends with this guy for about a year. Since the first time I met him, we really hit it off and were practically inseparable. Somewhere down the line, my feelings for him changed and I wanted to be more than friends. However, he is transferring schools. He's moving back home to Portland and I'm stuck here in Southern California. Because of the distance, I decided not to express my feelings. It was eating at me...so stupid me, decided to let him know an hour before his plane to Germany left. (He's on tour with a choir for 2 weeks) We established that we both care for each other and that we need to talk about what the best thing to do is. We both really want to start a relationship, but have both been wary of LDR in the past. We have agreed that our situation is changing our stance on the issue. Now here's the kicker: we don't get a day to talk about this in person because he is leaving back to Portland the day he comes back from Germany. We don't even get a couple hours to sit and talk. So my question is, would it be worth it? Would it be weird to establish a long distance relationship via Skype or phone? Should we wait until we can talk about it face to face? I'm at a loss for what to do. All I know is that I care about him so much and could not imagine my life without him. All the logistics are just getting in the way.
~ 964 Miles
Dear 964 Miles,
You're over-thinking this. Just do it. Plenty of coupes establish long term long distance relationships over Skype or even chat applications – before they have even met in person! Where you are doesn't change who you are, and thanks to modern technology, doesn't change the way you have a conversation. You can be face to face 10,000 miles apart. One of the benefits of long distance relationships is that they are based on communication rather than physical attraction, allowing a deeper connection and stronger foundation for your relationship. So go for it!
Dear Miss U,
I'm Lyndsea. I'm 19, and I'm from Tennessee. I met my significant other online about eight years ago. It was completely innocent, and we started off as friends. After about a year of messaging and talking over the phone, we noticed feelings we had for one another. Thus, the "dating" began. Up to this day, I know him like no one else does. And vise a versa. He is from California. The perfect guy. I have really fallen hard! Here's where things have gotten sticky. He's had a job here for a while that makes him work terribly late and brutal hours. He'll maybe end up getting in two or three hours of sleep every day. Lately he's been getting frustrated easily, seems distant, and just seems "out there." He says he's fine, he loves me, then says he needs sleep. With the time difference it's hard for me to stay up half the night to talk to him, then him say he has to go... And bye! Both of us have gotten frustrated because of lack of sleep and availability. We've only fought five times in almost 8 years. But they've been harsh. When it happens, he shuts down. Tells me to leave him alone. I do, then we start right back up in paradise. Well, our most recent fight... That wasn't the case. He decided we should just be friends... The distance was getting to him. So now we're friends. I at least want to go see him next year after I graduate college. He seems okay with the idea, but scared of not being able to support me. Should I try to make us work, but give him time to think?
~ Lyndsea
Dear Lyndsea,
I think you're on the right track. I wouldn't want to give up on eight years and perfect love either. At the same time, he's pretty young, perhaps he has not yet figured out that life requires balance; that without some kind of balance he will burn himself out and happiness will elude him. Because you're not technically dating, you will need some money with which to support yourself when you visit. I think an important question to ask would be, "If the distance were not a factor, would he still be with you?” If the answer to that is yes, make a plan to have it be so. If the answer is no, you're wasting your time.
Dear Miss U,
The majority of people seeking your advice complain about the long distance aspect of their relationship. My problem is the complete opposite of that. If anything, my relationship has grown stronger by going LDR. Our communication is at its best!
And THEN we meet in person… and it all becomes physical.
My boyfriend and I met years ago when I was traveling abroad. We had excellent chemistry in every sense of the word. I ended up skyping with him for a year before deciding to spend the following year in his country. Talk about passion! It was amazing! However, the communication died pretty quickly. At the airport - like right before I got on the plane to go home - he let me know that he was not interested in continuing an LDR with me. Ouch!
We reconnected years later and he seems like a different person. He's older now and he's financially stable. This time, he's more attentive, says "I love you," and will Skype with me at 4am (his time) if he has to. We NEVER get bored talking on Skype - and this is after 7 months!
We have planned a romantic vacation in Europe which brings me to my question.
How do I prevent our relationship from hitting some big rocks? The last time we shifted our LDR to the short-distance kind, our relationship became strictly physical. It killed the love. He says that whether we will be physical on our vaca is my decision but I know that that's just man-talk for "I don't want to look like a douche/possible-rapist." What do you think I should do?
~ Troubled LDR
Dear Troubled,
Thank you for sharing your different perspective with me.
I don't think your issue is with things becoming intimate – by all means go ahead and have a steamy vacation romance! – I think the issues come from the fact you rely on being sexual for intimacy. That is to say, you stop talking. Trust me when I say you can have a fantastic sex life and a deep level of communication.
The first step here would be: Make time to talk. A perfect opportunity to do that would be taking a walk together after dinner in the evening. Make it a part of your routine.
Another thing I suggest is to remind him how much fun you are with your clothes on as well. Do things together that both interest you. Talk about those things, which will be easier on holiday together than it would have been when you lived together for a year. It's important to have fun.
And lastly, check in with him. No I don't mean tell him every time you're doing things or ask him for permission! Rather, remember to ask what he's feeling, and don't settle with "good” for an answer. Ask him if he is happy, if there's anything that's bothering him or anything he would like to see in the relationship, and share your feelings with him too. I assume that in the past seven months you have discussed what went wrong last time and you're both on the same page about avoiding it (If not, this is a conversation you need to have) thus if you remember to keep the lines of communication open any issue can be worked through before it becomes a problem.
Enjoy Europe!
Sincerely,
Miss U
