My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and moved out together about one year ago. We enjoy cooking together, exploring the great outdoors, and sharing the best things in life. I've known for a long time that he is the one for me. The only problem is that he ships as a merchant Marine for several weeks at a time, so our time together is limited. I was able to cope with it for the past year and distract myself with friends and family, but I'm starting to feel depressed when he is gone. And the moments we spend together feel pressured. It is hard for me to enjoy myself around him like I used to because I dread going back to that lonely phase. Is it right fit me to ask him to quit his job and find something on land? Or should I just suck it up?
- NH Nurse
Dear Nurse,
I'm not sure you can flat-out ask him to change jobs if he's doing something he loves, but you can definitely talk about it. Discuss the possibility of jobs that require the same skill set he already has that he might be interested in. Ask him about his long-term career goals and his dreams. And tell him honestly how you feel, how his absence has affected you and that you can not do this in the long term. You don't have to just "suck it up”, because whilst rewarding work is essential to an individual's well-being, his line of work is directly affecting you and thus you deserve a say in his choices. Understand however that it isn't reasonable to expect him to make the change immediately. Give him six months to finish up any work he feels he needs to and to enjoy one or two more trips for closure, and be prepared to support him in any way you can with the transition – for example, he may need to study to gain the required skills to pursue another career leaving you to support the two of you financially in the transition. Show him that you care about his happiness, you're willing to work as a team and that you're not afraid to compromise and there's no reason he won't show you the same courtesy.
Dear Miss U,
I meet him in Denmark while I was having my exchange year, and there we spent 5 months together. Last year he paid for my trip to visit him, so I spent one month at his place. This year we haven't seen each other and every time we talk about it we fight because he doesn't want to come to Brazil to visit me, he just wants me to go over there to visit him. But right now I just can't, I work on Saturdays and I study, he works at home, which would make it easier for him to come, but he doesn't want to. I really don't know what to do. We do plan to live together as soon as I finish my graduation, but there's still 2 years for that.
Besides, he hasn't even met my family yet. Now I really don't know what to do about it, it's killing me inside, because I want him to be with me. I need some advice! Please help me.
- Ana
Dear Ana,
I think he needs a reality check. It's completely unreasonable for him to expect you to one day move to him and marry him without having first met your friends and family and had some experience with your home and culture.
"Not wanting to” is the poorest excuse there is. Everyone has to do things they don't want to in life, because it contributes to the things they do want. I don't always want to go to work, but I do want to buy new shoes. He doesn't want to go to Brazil, but if he wants to keep this relationship he's going to visit Brazil. That's how it works. It's about being fair. In fact, if you marry, chances are he's going to visit Brazil many times in his life so you can stay in contact with your people. Perhaps he doesn't realize that?
Ask him for a better reason for why he doesn't want to come. What is the real underlying problem? Don't give in to the urge to fight about it or get upset, but tell him you need to get to the bottom of it or this relationship isn't going anywhere. Find out why he doesn't want to go to Brazil, and address those problems as best you can as a team. Help him understand your side of it without sounding accusing or angry, and do your best to see his point of view as well. I hope you can come to a compromise.
Dear Miss U,
This one guy and I have been dating for around 2 months and I need help. I don't know how or when to tell my parents about my long distance relationship! I'm worried they'll ask where and how I met him and get all up in my business and I don't want that. It may be way too soon but we want to be able to meet up at some point in our lives if we keep dating. I can't drive yet but he can and he said he would come and get me if he ever had a hockey game up by me. I don't know what I would say to my parents if he did and if I haven't told them about our Long Distance Relationship yet! So please help me. I really like this guy and I don't know if I'm too young for this or not but I really need your help.
- Clarissa
Dear Clarissa,
Instead of having this big awkward confession, I suggest talking about him to your parents the way you would any other friend. For example:
Parent: What did you do today?
You: I went rollerblading with [some friend from school who they've probably met] then I watched a movie with [your boyfriend's name] and now I'm going to work on my science project.
Keep it casual. Generally things only become a big deal if you make them a big deal. After they hear his name a few times, they'll ask who he is, how you met and all of that. Like it or not, at 15 they are "going to get all up in your business” because it's their business too. Their job is to protect you and make sure you turn out ok, and that contract doesn't end until you're an adult. Unless they start reading your diary or your emails, they aren't invading your privacy. It's perfectly normal for them to ask questions about your friends or boyfriends, and generally speaking if they take no interest in that stuff, they are doing a poor job as parents. So meet them half way on this. If you're reasonable, they are more likely to be reasonable.
Be honest. If they express concerns (as many people do when it comes to having met people online) don't disregard them. Acknowledge their concerns and show them you are playing it safe and taking this relationship slowly. For example let them know that you have not given out your home address as yet because you're being safe, and that you have verified he's not a 40 year old man by video chatting with him. Invite them to meet him too, and remind them that in some ways a LDR is preferable to a traditional relationship. You're not sneaking out at night, you're not having sex that you're not ready for, and meeting up with him isn't taking you away from your studies. They might be cautious at first, but once they see that he is a positive influence on your life they will relax.
Sincerely,
Miss U
