I have been dating my boyfriend for some time now and we both go to college. He goes to Penn State and I go to West Virginia University. I'm the only one with the car so I do all of the driving to see him. Recently I have been having anxiety and stress about our relationship because he has been pledging a gay fraternity on his campus. We love each other to death but he constantly says that I'm smothering him. I'm just stressed that he will meet someone else. Do you have any advice for me to help with my stress?
Thanks
~Chad
Dear Chad,
Joining a gay fraternity doesn't mean he's necessarily going to go have lots of fantastic gay sex without you, even though that's what all the movies would have us believe; perhaps he just wants a greater sense of fitting in and feeling understood. I'm all for giving the benefit of the doubt.
The thing is Chad, all relationships face the prospect that one person will meet someone new and better every day, whether or not there's a fraternity involved. The risk is always going to be there. I often worry that Mr. E is going to meet a woman with bigger breasts than mine, who puts out more than me and can cook – but there's nothing on this earth I can do to stop that happening if it's going to happen. All we can ever do is be the best ourselves that we can be, and hope that the person of our hearts is doing the same.
The idea of a relationship is that both people are getting their needs met. So this means he needs to give you a certain level of reassurance, and you need to give him freedom in return. Talk to each other and try to find a compromise. What can he do to make you more comfortable with this situation? It would be wrong to try and stop him/control him, but he cares about your feelings so likely he will be happy to make an effort to show you all is well – be that a phone call when he gets home from parties, a specific night during the week that is just for couple time or something else.
On your side, you hold yourself back from contacting him if you know he's busy, and you keep yourself distracted so that you don't have time to brood on negative thoughts. Yoga is also a fantastic practice for teaching you to manage your stress and control your mind (and hey, extra flexibility comes in handy too!)
With all this said, listen to your intuition. If you feel something is wrong and it goes beyond the paranoid thoughts of a lonely mind, then trust your instinct.
Dear Miss U,
I'm familiar with the "honeymoon" stage, and given that we're in the first month, well obviously we're still at that stage. For the past 2-3 months, we've always texted good night texts to each other. Tonight, he didn't-- and that's not what I'm worried about. I'm worried about the way I'm needlessly reacting about it. I feel like crying, I feel like I need to hear his voice and see him, and just all hell breaks loose. I'm becoming more dependent on him than I should be, I think.
Sometimes when he's home, I feel hurt when he doesn't suggest us to Skype. Sometimes I wonder why he doesn't act more affectionate in texts even though I know he isn't as lovey dovey as I am. I've cried before from missing him, but now it's getting really bad. I've always had ways to distract myself (art, music, writing, etc) but now I can't focus on any of those if I'm worried about him.
I don't know what to do. I love him so much, but now I'm feeling so vulnerable and I'm worried about what keeping this relationship will do to me. How can I overcome the stress of missing him? It'd be the worst thing for me to break up with him, but I'm so confused about where these feelings are taking me. I'm becoming emotionally unhealthy because I don't know how to vent or express my frustration with the situation. (We haven't met in person yet)
Please help, I feel really lost.
~ Depressed Girlfriend
Dear DG,
As with anything else in life, we need to learn about our emotions: How they work, what triggers bad feelings within us, what role our hormones are playing at any given time; and we need to learn how to control them, or how to respond to lessen their impact on our lives. Sometimes a councillor can help with this, as can reading up on the subject. So that is where I suggest you start. Start by knowing yourself better.
It's also important for you to be complete in yourself, without him.
As a place to start, when you're upset about something you know isn't a big deal, don't sit there and dwell on it: Go and do something. Listen to loud music, take the dog for a walk, clean something, watch a positive film. It doesn't matter what, just don't allow yourself to sit there and stew over it.
Also, if you want to talk to him, there's no shame in contacting him first. As long as you don't expect a monopoly of his every free minute, you're not going to look like a crazy clingy girlfriend by asking to Skype first.
You mentioned being worried about him. Why are you worried? What is there to worry about? Are they legitimate fears or are you giving in to your mind's own attraction to drama? (We all do it from time to time!) If you know you are being unreasonable about something, tell yourself that you are being unreasonable, that you're going to stop now – and then go and do something else.
New love can be overwhelming in its potency. That can be a beautiful thing or it can tear you apart. Give it time, it won't be this extreme forever.
Dear Miss U,
I want to ask for your advice on my relationship. I am in the navy currently stationed in Yokosuka, japan and she is in school in California. I think about her constantly. She is always on my mind. I know she loves me and I love her. We want to get married. Just the problem is I'm so far away and I'll be here for three more years. It is tough and it has only been a month. I'm use to talking to her every day. Hearing her voice, hearing her laugh while I picture her smiling. I miss her so much that at random moments throughout the day it brings tears to my eyes and my heart feels like it is in my stomach.
I don't want her to stop loving me because we don't get to talk as much. I feel like we will slowly grow apart from each other. I tell her this and she tells me not to worry but I still do. I know I will love her forever. Even if I go years without talking to her. She has proven to me that she loves me and will do anything for me. But I still worry. Why? Thanks for any advice.
~Damonique
Dear Damonique,
I can't tell you why you worry so much. Perhaps just because this is new and overwhelming, and because you have not been in the situation long enough for her to be able to prove to you that she isn't going to suddenly drift away. She probably feels similar things to how you're feeling right now, or if she isn't just yet, at some stage it's likely she will. We all have periods where the distance seems harder to deal with.
There's an old saying however, and it's certainly true: "Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”
Just do your best with this situation, embrace how much you love her even though it hurts and remember that three years is nothing compared to the future you will have together.
Sincerely,
Miss U
