I've been talking to someone for the past 4 months & I met him online. It was a day after my ex blocked me out if his life. I had told this current guy, "Antonio", how distraught I was after what this guy did to me. He complimented me so much about how pretty I look. I always said thank you b/c he was acting very sweet after my whole situation. So I thought of this as an encouragement to bounce back. I finally admitted to him I really like him & he says he likes me too. But the twist here is that when I started to have doubts whether he likes me or not I would accuse him of talking to other girls b/c of the past issue & he'd never assure me that I'm wrong. I know it's probably too much to ask but I wanted to see proof & I didn't see it. When he figured what I wanted he got defensive by saying, "I don't have to show that I'm innocent." So I left things like that & this was barely 3 months into the relationship. He's in the Air Force & he goes to school that's 4hrs. from my home. He says he's going to come see me but in the end he leaves me hanging. It's either, I'm not available on the weekend or something pops up for him. I want to make "us" work but I feel that ever since my insecurities popped up he lost interest or something. We did do the whole sex cam & phone just to spice things up. But now I feel more promised to him b/c I showed my body that I'm not too confident with. Is this both our fault for rushing or is it me? I text him but I never get a response, am I being too clingy?
~ Texan Girl
Dear Texan Girl,
It does sound like you might be being too clingy. And he is right, he doesn't have to prove he is innocent. You can't put him on trial for another man's sins, it doesn't work like that and this attitude can and will destroy your relationships. Every new partnership is a fresh slate, you start at the beginning each and every time. It's also fine if he is talking to other girls. He can talk to whoever he likes, and it's not ok for you to try and control that. It does of course matter if he'd leading them on or cheating, but if he says he isn't, you have no reason to assume he is lying.
Now when you say he never texts back, do you mean he rarely responds or that he doesn't text back but you still call/skype/email or that you haven't heard from him at all? If it's the first he might be busy or he might just not want to spend all day texting. If you're texting him more than three times a day and still expecting phone calls, you probably need to dial it back and give the man some space. If he doesn't text back at all but still calls you, discuss it with him and find out why (in a non-accusatory way). If you have not heard from him at all, you can assume that the relationship is over, he got what he wanted or discovered something he didn't want and is too gutless to have a conversation about it.
In answer to your other question, yes it does feel rushed. You've been dating online for four months and are already pushing for a visit/meet and have gotten intimate online. That seems very fast to me, personally. But you do have the option to put on the breaks and say "maybe we're taking this too fast, let's just enjoy what we have for a while” if that's what you both want to do.
One thing you need to let go of however; is searching for who is to blame. I'm not here to be a judge or jury. I can tell you that trying to lay the blame at someone's feet doesn't help you overcome your issues, doesn't help you communicate and won't make you feel any better though.
Try not to over-think things.
Dear Miss U,
I feel like I'm moving too fast with my boyfriend, and I realized this after I read your free eBook! I was wondering if you had any tips to sort of stop that and get things back to normal?
Thanks!
~ Jane
Dear Jane,
I didn't write the eBook, and have not read it personally. I'm an employee of LFAD, nothing more, but I'm glad that it has helped you. It's great that you are using the resources available to you to improve your relationship and understand better what you personally need within one.
I think outright honesty is the way to go. Tell your boyfriend you read this eBook and that it got you thinking. Let him know you feel like things are moving too fast and you want to put the brakes on a little bit. I'm sure he realizes that because of your slight age difference, you might not be quite ready for everything at the same time he is, but love gives a guy patience and if he's decent he'll be happy to ease off to your comfort level.
Be clear about what your limits are and if you like you can even give him an estimate of how long you think it will take you to be ready to try whatever it was you were uncomfortable with again, so he's not left hanging. I know open conversation can be scary and you may have wanted to be more discrete, but this way there will be no mistaking your discomfort for disinterest on his part, and feelings are less likely to be hurt. It's never a good idea to hint at our partners. Just come out and tell him what you need, and hopefully that will encourage the same openness from him.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 2 years. We have been in a long distance relationship ever since I left for college about a year ago. We are close enough, however, that we can drive to see each other every now and then for a weekend. But I do not have a car while I'm here at college and my boyfriend has money problems and his car is always breaking down so he often can make the trip. We are best friends and are always laughing when together so when we haven't seen each other in a long time we both get a little depressed. However, this take a really big toll on him. His dad is a bum, his family has no money, and he has a poor paying job. I always do my best to make him feel better by telling him about all the good things he has. But he always tells me that I'm the only thing that makes him happy and we can't even be together. Sometimes I don't know what else to do. If I were home I would gladly drive out to see him and cheer him up. But since I'm off at college and have no car I don't know what else I can do besides helping him stay positive, which doesn't always work. I feel so helpless sometimes. Do you have any idea what else I can do?
~ Maggie
Dear Maggie,
Sometimes no matter how much we just want to make it all better, we can't. A big part of life is learning how to be happy despite the circumstances a person finds themselves in, and it's not always an easy thing to learn. Money and the restrictions it places on people is genuinely one of the things that seems to cause the biggest obstacle to enjoying happiness without stress too. All in all though, we are responsible for our own happiness and it's very unhealthy for him to rely on you for happiness. It is something he will need to work on.
In the meantime, little surprises could make all the difference. From love letters to flowers to singing telegrams, there are a dozen ways you can put a smile on someone's face that they'd never imagine you'd think of. Some require money that most of us don't have but other things can be done simply by enlisting the help of mutual friends, by using your craft skills or by knowing when he turns his phone off so that you can record his favorite song as a voicemail message. Get creative and do a few things "just because” at worst, it'll distract him from his sadness for a little while.
Sincerely,
Miss U
