My boyfriend and I started dating 3 weeks after we met last year. He stayed here for 3 months then had to move back to the US and we've made the LD work so far; daily texts and phone calls with occasional Skype calls. We tell each other everything the problem is it seems that whenever I share my feelings of doubt about something with him he ends up getting upset and I have to apologize and pretend like I didn't say anything. That's why I feel like I can't tell him this:
I'm starting to get bored of the routine and same conversation topics-my feelings haven't changed I still love him. I'm just bored.
How can I make our relationship better?
MAS
Dear MAS,
I think you need to address this problem of him turning around your insecurities and getting upset. You should be able to turn to him for support or seek his help with addressing issues within the relationship without him being selfish, making you feel guilty, or having you wish you'd never broached the subject. That's not really healthy and will make it difficult for you to overcome problems in the long run.
But, that's not what you were asking.
Boredom is easy enough to fix. You can start by changing up the routine. Maybe instead of talking to him before bed, you can Skype with him while you prepare dinner. Instead of a good morning text, challenge him to send a good morning photo. Call him when you know you'll get voice mail and leave a message rather than sending an IM. You could even exchange your text messages for Snapchat if you'd find enjoyable. Lead by example with shaking these things up and use all the communication options available to you – including conventional mail.
There can be such a thing as talking too much, especially if you feel like you're repeating the same conversation. Perhaps you could exchange one phone call a week for a "date night" where you watch a movie together, or you could find a game to play online together which would add something new to talk about. If in doubt, ask questions. I know it's the oldest advice in the book, but it really works. Even people who have been together decades can get something out of that as people are constantly evolving.
Lastly, make sure the rest of your life is fun and fulfilling so that you always have something new to share and encourage him to do the same. Staying up to date with world events also open up topics for discussion that may have previously been missed.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have been together for two and a half years. We've been together so long, I can't see myself being with anyone else. But for the past two months, he's been under a lot of stress. His mother passed away, he wrecked his car and school's been overwhelming him. With all of this happening, it makes it harder for him to talk to me, and then I begin to worry about him. It's caused a lot of fights lately where he will ignore me for hours on end, and I feel very underappreciated. I hate fighting with him, because it makes us both feel like crap, but I've told him that if ever needs someone to talk to, I'm here, I'm his girlfriend, that's what I'm here for. Not for him to shut me out and keep everything to himself. He's seeing a therapist right now, but that doesn't solve the problem of him not talking to me (we live seven hours away from each other and haven't seen each other since August, so I know that puts a strain on it as well).
So how do I get him to realize that I'm here for him? I don't want to keep arguing, but it seems like he can't get it through his head that keeping me out of the loop isn't solving anything!
Advice would be greatly appreciated.
-Rae.
Dear Rae,
Some people don't want to talk about it. Others will, but in their own time. It is possible that this pressure you're putting on him to open up to you is what is at the bottom of his reticence. You've let him know you're there and are always willing to listen, now it might be time to back off and let him come to you. When you do speak, don't insist on him opening up about his feelings; instead put in an effort to make the conversation positive. If he feels better and more able to cope after talking to you that would be better for him and for the relationship than him hashing over his issues with you. I understand it must be hurtful for you to feel out of the loop, and that for a while this relationship might feel particularly one-sided, but you need to let him cope with his very fresh grief and stress in his own way. It's fantastic news that he's getting professional help too - He's talking to somebody, at least, which means it isn't all being bottled inside to destroy him. Realize that you can be there for him and a fantastic support person, without him having to tell you how he feels.
We all deal with pain differently. What works for you doesn't necessarily work for him; try not to take it personally.
Sincerely,
Miss U
