I've been dating my long distance boyfriend for a year and a half of which 1year has been long distance (I live in Portugal and he lives in the UK). We see each other every 2 months, sometimes it takes longer until we can be together.
He is a great guy and I can't even express how much I love him and I know he loves me too. But the problem is that we don't talk about getting together one day in the future. Although I still have 2 more years till I'm finished with school I need to know that he wants to eventually get together. Before we started doing the long distance thing I suggested that I could finish my degree in the UK but he completely dismissed that idea because he thought that was too much pressure for him (since he was pretty much the reason why I would be moving).
I don't know how to talk him about plans for the future because I think he probably still feels the same way. How can I bring up that subject? How can I explain to him that I need to know that he wants a future with me in order to maintain this relationship?
- C
Dear C,
Sometimes it will take one member of a couple longer to get to each stage than the other; that doesn't mean you can't check in with him periodically and find out where he's at mentally and emotionally. With that said, long distance relationships are a lot of work. They are inconvenient and frustrating. What would be the point of him continuing this relationship with you if he didn't intend for it to ever lead somewhere? It doesn't make sense for him to just be in this for a lark. A year has passed since you last proposed the idea of studying abroad, so you couldn't be construed as nagging. Don't agonize over how to say it, just come out and say what needs to be said. There should be nothing you can't discuss with your significant other if the relationship has a future. He might not be ready to be responsible for you moving, and you need to be able to respond to that calmly if it is the case, just as you need to gently but assertively tell him that you are not the type of person who can drift forward without a plan and that you need to know he's as invested as you are. Don't hint and don't expect him to read your mind. Just open a respectful dialog about what you both want, need and expect in this relationship.
Dear Miss U,
He lives in Texas and I live in Florida. I have never told my family or friends because they are opposed to ldr and I am really scared. We had rough times but we have gone through it. Right now we are in a very rough time. He works and study so we barely talk. I had a problem with him last time with a girl he met at his campus. He told me that she was being weird and he didn't like her and that she took a picture of him and her while in the tutoring center. He told me he didn't know she was taking a picture but in the picture he was kinda smiling. We talked about that and I trusted him. Then, one day he stopped talking to me for 4 hours and came back saying, "Sorry I was at a restaurant with family," so I believed him. But, the other day on Facebook I saw he uploaded pictures of him and the girl. He was with her in the restaurant and he was close to her. I normally don't get jealous because he can have friends but the fact that he lied to me got me upset because it means he was hiding that. We got over that and he told me he won't talk to her anymore because she doesn't like her. This week he has been weird like he doesn't tell me everything and he used to call me or FaceTime me. Then on Facebook I found out the girl commented on a picture of him and her and she said I miss you he replied and said you haven't respond to my text and she said oh let me check, o it's because I called you. What can I do? He has my Facebook account password but I don't have his.
- Natalia
Dear Natalia,
It sounds like he's a lying dirtbag that you're better off without.
What you should do is change your Facebook password. It's never a good idea to give out that information and in most cases is a clear breach of the terms and conditions that almost nobody reads when they sign up for something. If you have trust in your relationship, you don't need each other's passwords and you certainly don't need to open yourself up to a potential stolen identity or public humiliation if he decides to get nasty for whatever reason. I realise that this sounds dramatic, but it can and does happen. Protect yourself online.
Understand that having his passwords wouldn't keep him honest if he is not an honest person already. He would just find another way to make a fool out of you. I generally like to look for solutions within a relationship before saying that there is nothing to salvage; but in your case he lies to you directly and then posts incriminating evidence to contradict what he has said on a public platform. You don't deserve to be disrespected, lied to and treated like you're too stupid to see what is going on so find someone who doesn't do those things, and then be proud of the relationship you have with that person regardless of if it is LD or NP. Sometimes telling people you're in a relationship is a bit nerve wracking, but it's far better than having no support when that relationship ends, or having to explain why you never said anything when the relationship gets serious. Enact the honesty you want to see in your relationships.
Dear Miss U,
I've been dating my boyfriend for soon 2 years, and I'm starting to have doubts. We met online and we really get along well, and he's a really nice person. We try to see each other at least twice a year (as we live in different countries, but its close by). But lately I'm not sure it's going so well. First, i think we got kind of bored, it's the same thing every day, and we kind of run out of things to say, and we're also really busy with our own studies. Since the beginning we've always been different, but we are the same kind of person, and that's what i like about him. But i don't find him funny anymore, he's way too serious and we don't have the same humor and we don't have same music taste, nor same hobbies. He likes to stay home, i like to travel. We try to share interest together like, watching movies together on skype. But it's difficult to do more things and find other ideas since we are so busy with studies. It's many little things like this that i didn't find important, but i wonder if that's the problem, and if it will lead us to break up.
We rarely fight, and he's good with the situation, since it's all we can have for now.
I am going to visit him in a few months, and i wonder if i should wait until then to figure out what i should do.
Should i leave the situation like it is, and see how it goes with time (and the visit)? or should i give our relationship a little break?
Thanks for taking time reading about my issue.
- chubbybug
Dear chubbybug,
I'm of the opinion that breaks are pointless. You're either in this, or you're not. You can't choose to disengage from a relationship temporarily just because it's hit a lull. If you plan to marry, one day you're going to take a vow "for better or worse” and times like this help you know you will be able to keep that promise. The two options I see here are that you wait it out like you suggested, or talk it out. Tell him that you're bored witless and you need to work together to make this thing exciting again!
Sometimes life does make us a little boring. It's the same thing every day as we push towards our goals. Conversations can become routine because our lives are routine, and that's not something that will magically go away once you stop studying. You will have periods like this throughout your life, so you need to be with someone who you can wait that out with. Talk to each other about things you can do to make study fresh, maybe you can make your own flash cards to quiz each other with, or you can exchange notes to read back to each other rather than going over your materials alone.
You don't need to have the same hobbies to care about each other and each other's hobbies. I personally hate most of the movies Mr. E likes to watch and yet he gets so passionate about them, anticipating a movie for months before it comes out, going to the midnight screening, dressing up like a character and hanging out with other people who are doing the same. It makes very little sense to me. But when he comes home/online at some ungodly hour filled with excitement over some unbelievable battle scene, I encourage him to rave about it and it makes me smile to see him so happy. That's the key: I don't have to care about superheroes – I just have to care about him.
Mr. E also listens to Techno. I personally am not sure why that's actually considered as a genre of music. I'm sure he doesn't understand why my favorite song of the moment is only great when it's on repeat for hours either, but these things make us who we are, so most of the time we try to see these differences as endearing rather than annoying. When they are annoying (after roughly half an hour of listening to me holler along to the same song) we talk to each other from a place of respect and find a solution. Sometimes that solution is noise canceling headphones. But it's never "we're too different, let's take a break."
Are you compatible on the levels that matter? Do you, for example, agree on most moral topics? Do you have similar time frames for your goals? Are you on the same page about having children? Do you feel valued, respected, supported and uplifted? Does he care about you as much as he cares about himself?
Boredom, like you mentioned, can lead to break up if it's not addressed because we start to think there is something wrong with the relationship when really there isn't. Sometimes for your own mental health you need to take time out from study or work and just remember how to have fun. Having fun together will remind you why you like each other. He won't seem so serious to you, and you will stop appearing so inane to him. A problem in your situation is not necessarily a problem with the relationship, make sure it is the latter before you start talking breaks and break-ups.
Sincerely,
Miss U
