I am a junior in college and my loved one is still living in my home town. I have lost support for the relationship from family members who see the struggle it is to stay together and stay happy. One of his biggest concerns is that he is not number one on my list of priorities. He says if he were number one that I would be there with him. My initial plan is to move back home, but I have a year and a half left in school. How can I show him that he really is important without giving up on my personal dreams here at college? I have no one else to turn to who will only be on my side; I need someone to help me support him while I am away. Please help with any ideas. Thank you so much
- Hometown Blues
Dear Blues,
If you were his first priority, then your dreams and career aspirations would be as important to him as his own. Another answer to that "I'm not your first priority” complaint is "our future together is my priority and that future requires us both to have a good education." It's important that he realizes your efforts are you taking one for the team, not you being selfish and leaving him behind. The thing that can help both of you get through this LDR is having a good attitude. Perhaps the place to start would be to talk more about how your career will benefit you both in the future. Show him what's in it for him. Whatever happens, stay in school. Your education will never leave you, while boyfriends quite often do. I'm rarely an advocate of putting yourself first, but in this instance another year and a half is not a lot of time to wait and the benefit is significant. Stick it out.
One way you can support him includes making him feel more a part of the process. He might enjoy helping you study, or listening to you brainstorm ideas for assignments. Another would be to show him that he is a priority by setting aside time for him and sticking to it. If you don't yet have a designated date night where you focus entirely on each other; set one up. You can take turns picking the activity you do together. Some ideas include: watching a movie, playing games online or an old-school game like battleship, cooking the same meal together or reading to each other. You can set the mood by lighting candles or getting dressed up for the occasion just like you would if you were going out. You could even prepare in advance by sending a small gift to be opened at the beginning of the night (popcorn for a movie night, for example).
Sometimes it might be nice for him to know that whilst your education comes first, the "college experience" doesn't necessarily follow suit. If someone invites you out, but you choose to stay home and Skype with him instead, tell him about it in a casual way. If you have a photo of him in your study zone, take a picture of it and send it to him – show him that he inspires you to work hard and that you're always thinking about him. It also wouldn't hurt to encourage him to follow his own dreams more. Turn the focus away from your study and onto his and let him know you're just as passionate about his dreams as your own. Perhaps with him feeling ambition in the same way you do, he will be better able to understand your position and will start in turn giving you the support you deserve.
Dear Miss U,
Hi! My name is Hannah and I have been with my S.O for over a year now. We started seeing each other when I was a sophomore in high school and he was a senior. I fit in well with people older than myself so having an older boyfriend was perfect. We both knew he would be leaving for college soon and I had decided if he went anywhere out of state that would be the end of our relationship. I was only sixteen for crying out loud! I was not ready to commit that much time to a high school relationship when I had so much of a life to live. Anyway, he ended up going to a school in state which is three hours away from me. For the first six months of our LDR, everything was going fine. Now though, I have faced the facts of our relationship.
He has 3 more years at his school, and I will be attending a school in my home town for 4 years but I still have another year of high school as well. The minimum amount of time we would spend away would be 4 years. I feel like justifying staying with him for this long would be that we plan to be married someday. I'm only 17. I can't commit to thinking that. I would say "it's okay because we have summer break" but he is a camp counselor at a lake this coming summer, and most likely future summers. I don't know what to do anymore. Is it worth it to stay with him and feel this loneliness all the time? What if we do make it through all the distance and time and realize we can't make it work?
Thanks for listening XO,
Hannah
Dear Hannah,
Only you can say whether it is worth it or not. At the moment, I guess you're leaning towards "Not" and that's perfectly ok. There's nothing wrong with wanting to have fun, less serious relationships that aren't fraught with long periods of absence and loneliness. If you can envision your future without him in it and your present would improve with the absence of this relationship, then you probably have your answer.
It's important, even in a LDR, to enjoy the relationship you have right now. You shouldn't feel like you're just enduring and waiting to have a relationship. If you do feel like that, it isn't worth it. I doubt anyone loves the distance, but you should be able to love your relationship in spite of that. There should be things that compensate for his absence, things to look forward to in the short term. There needs to be fun and laughter and some level of hope and fulfillment. If these things are lacking, there's no way it will feel like it is worth the trouble.
There always is the risk of not making it work. You can be married 20 years and then it suddenly stops working even. But if both people are committed to making it work, you make time for the relationship, have realistic expectations, and have kept open lines of communication you do stand a fairly good chance of success. Only let worry about making it last long-term be a serious concern if this relationship can't be made to work for you at all in the short term.
Sincerely,
Miss U.
