I've been in a long distance relationship since the end of summer. At first we were only 500km apart, so I got to see my bf every two weeks on a regular basis. Last month, however, I moved to a different country for school. Now we're 5000 km apart and won't be able to see him 'til June. Despite the time zone difference, I make the time to talk to him every day. As nice as it is to communicate with him daily, I'm starting to miss the intimacy. I've been suggesting that we should try talking dirty over the phone, but he's really shy. I can sense that he wants to as well and at times says something but then stops. So this is not only confusing but frustrating as well. I know I can't force him, but why does he have to say a vague sentence or two and then stop? What should I do? Thanks for any words of advice!
Just Confused!
Dear Just Confused,
I think time and encouragement can overcome this problem. You just need to keep at it, build up the trust and the sexual tension. Though it probably feels like you've had this problem a long time, you've really only been together a little while, and for some people this kind of intimacy is a huge step. So keep leading by example, praise him when he does come out of his shell a little (go with "I feel so excited when you say that or "Tell me more, I love your voice" rather than "That's good! More of that!") and perhaps you could even send him some tactful photo encouragement to get him in the mood before the call.
Like in many other adult encounters, phone sex can benefit from a glass of wine or two as well. It's not fantastic to rely on liquid courage every time, but if it helps him break into this new arena that both of you are keen on exploring, there's nothing wrong with that. At the beginning of the call you could invite him to take some quiet time and have a drink with you, just as you might on a Friday evening together.
Persevere.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I met playing an online game. We talked and played together for months, never really considering a relationship, until I went out with another guy on a first date. Both of us felt that it was wrong and talked about it afterward, finally deciding to date, despite our extreme age difference (18+ years) and distance (Colorado vs. New South Wales). He came over to visit and everything felt so easy and right. Even after he went home, we maintained heavy Skype contact, often leaving the call on for days at a time. But lately, things have flagged. Arguments seem to crop up more and more, and without the ability to hug and kiss it out after fighting, it seems like we never really make up. The issues include everything from his previous marriage, to the battle for custody of his 6-year-old son, to my need for alone time, to music tastes, to his work taking him into places where women offer him sex as payment instead of money, to my family's reluctance to accept him. Some of these issues seem huge to me, but he considers them insignificant, and vice versa. Some shouldn't be issues at all.
How do we set the fights aside and remember the love? Sometimes it is truly wonderful, but how can we overcome all of the other things when those things are very concrete and present in our lives and the love is more intangible? It feels like a constant struggle, and with no concrete plans to live in the same place anytime soon, the struggle is beginning to feel futile.
Overwhelmed
Dear Overwhelmed,
Perhaps you never really feel like you have made up, because your issues are not actually being resolved. My advice would be to start there. Don't try to take all the issues down at once, but think on them privately for a time. Is there something that seems to have a relatively obvious solution, or a compromise that you can suggest? That would be one place to start.
Another place to start would be to address the biggest issue first because once the stress of that is behind you, some of the other issues might not seem so bad. Problems tend to make each other seem larger and scarier, but taken alone they are less daunting.
If a problem is a problem for one of you then it is a problem for both of you. He might not understand why something is a big deal to you, or vice versa, but you need to approach the problem with the same seriousness and respect regardless, always remembering you are on the same team.
I don't feel that you should, even if you can, just put the fights aside and remember the love. Love is not all you need. Love is not all a relationship needs to be healthy, happy and successful. You have the love already, you know it's there, so it is time to work out if this relationship is viable if it has all the other necessary ingredients beyond love.
It might help you both to continually remind yourselves to remain calm and discuss, rather than to argue. Remember that your intent is to solve an issue, not to one-up the other. You are a team against a problem don't treat each other like they are the problem.
It is much easier for love to be tangible when your partner's actions show you their love, rather than just their words. Each time an obstacle is removed, love can rush in to fill that space, so find a way to overcome those things that besiege your relationship.
Sincerely,
Miss U.
