My boyfriend and I met when I was volunteering in his South American country and have been in a long distance relationship for almost 1.5 years since I came back to the US. We made plans for him to come to the US because I started grad school and am here for another 4 years. However he is currently jobless and has no money and the visa process for him to come here is difficult. He also refuses to look for temporary jobs that aren't related to his career goals just to save up money. I have made 3 international trips to visit him, and though I don't have trouble paying, it's not fair for me to carry the financial burden by myself when it feels like he's not even trying. If he lived in my country I wouldn't put up with him not visiting me. I want to call it quits, but we have talked of marriage and kids together, and I don't want to say goodbye if he's the love of my life. How long do I keep waiting for him to get his act together?
Tired of Traveling
Dear Tired,
I can completely relate to your frustration. It seems nonsensical to me that someone wouldn't want to work at least part time to have at least some income. I understand his pride might be getting in the way, and that he wants to work on his career not waste time on a dead-end job. He might even be afraid that if he is working he won't have time to search for that career-related job. But he has to do something – over a year is a long time to be unemployed and that will only look bad for future employers. I would talk to him about this one last time. Point out to him that it's unfair and selfish for him to expect you to do all the traveling and take the full financial burden for this relationship. Let him know that you are not willing to wait forever to see some effort from him and then see if he picks up his act. I'd give him three months from the date of that conversation to show some change, but that's me. You will know when enough is enough – or if his efforts are too little too late.
Talking about marriage and kids is great but if he can't look after himself, he can't look after you or take responsibility for children in a time of need. I don't subscribe to the idea that there is only one chance at love for each person, but in the event that was true I'm willing to bet that other person would be giving the relationship their all. Don't settle for unhappiness because you're afraid you can't do better. The person who defines how well you can do is you.
Dear Miss U,
I met a very special girl over the summer of last year, it was exactly like a fairy tale. I didn't know it when I met her how special she would turn out to be but, the moment I looked into her eyes I knew something about her was right. When I met her she had a boyfriend so I simply kept getting to know her and we hung out every day, every single day, it was the best summer of my life. Fast forward to after summer. I went back to school and she did as well, our colleges are 1,700 miles away from each other. I fell in love with her and her to me. it has been 8 months since the moment I met her and just like summer, we have talked every day in some form, she makes waking up worth it because I get to talk to her, I told her I loved her at the end of summer, she said it back. She is the one I am going to marry someday.
I really need advice on how to keep things strong between us. I plan on flying out to see her and she wants to come see me as well.
I care about her a lot.
Should I fly to her whenever possible?
Tell her my feelings often?
Is it normal to worry about her?
Thank you,
Nick
Dear Nick,
I'm glad you've found someone you care so much about, and who loves you in return.
There is no secret recipe to keeping things strong between you but I believe if a couple are genuinely compatible, communicate honestly and openly, treat each other with respect, are willing to give more than they take and both sincerely want what's best for the other person they have the greatest chance of succeeding.
Visits can be a tricky thing. They are necessary and often the count-down to the next visit is what gets a couple through the loneliest of nights, however, they are a massive drain on resources. You need to find a balance between having enough visits, being able to live well, and preparing for a future together. If you throw everything into visits, will it delay you being able to close the distance? Will it impede you starting your lives together?
Yes, tell her your feelings often and colorfully. Share how you feel with depth and passion; corniness and romance; publicly and privately. But don't think saying it is enough. Make sure your actions match your words. Make time for her and surprise her. Don't take her for granted or forget to do all the little things that make the start of a relationship feel magical.
Worry varies from person to person. Some people are natural worriers, while others are more laid back. Assess your worry, and be honest with yourself. Yes, you worry because you care, but are you being irrational? Sometimes, especially in a long distance relationship, people think of the worst case scenario first, and fall into a panic. Do your best to avoid that. For example, if she's late to a Skype date don't work yourself into a frenzy by thinking she's been in a fatal accident, has forgotten you because she's making out with some handsome stranger or some other improbable scenario like she has landed herself in jail. It's probably something far less life altering. She's stuck in traffic, got a phone call from her mum at the last minute, fell asleep while studying or is suffering from constipation and will be right there in a moment.
Worry about her a little - it's nice to care – but if your worry is keeping you awake at night or leading you to make jealous accusations rein it in and find someone to speak with about it.
Fall in love with each other all over again every day.
Sincerely,
Miss U.
