I feel like I've been growing apart from my SO for a while now but am too scared to admit it because I think it might end our relationship. He lives in Wisconsin and I live in the United Kingdom and my new job and school is taking up to much of my time that I rarely get to talk to him. And when it is one of those days were we can talk for a long time. We just sit there and watch different Youtube videos. I try to make conversation and so does he but I feel that we've run out of things to say and do. Our next meet up isn't until June and I'm afraid if we don't find something to do on our nights were we don't have any other plans. I'm afraid that our relationship will end. Which I don't want as he is the love of my life and I can't see myself without him. I also know that in order for us to close the distance between us, it will take at least 7 years or more roughly. Things are getting tough and I don't want this to be the end of the best relationship I ever had. Please help me Miss U.
From Becoming distant
Dear Becoming Distant,
I'm going to preface this by saying that sometime beautiful relationships come to a natural end and that doesn't have to be a bad thing. At times people do grow apart, and that's especially easy to do as young adults. Not every relationship has a dramatic angst-filled ending, there isn't always a bad guy; some things just run their course. That's perfectly ok. If this isn't working for the two of you any more, that doesn't cheapen the role you have played in each other's lives up until this point.
To your actual question, I think it's time to sit down and talk to him about refreshing the relationship. I personally believe that fun is the glue to holding a relationship together. Once you stop having fun with each other you can forget why you were so infatuated, and you start feeling like you have nothing in common or no future, when that's not true. Fun is what will get you through seven years of distance. Fun compensates for loneliness in the way that if you're really enjoying what you have with someone, the distance isn't such a big deal. So have a think about things that are more interactive that you could share with each other. Is there a hobby or project you could do together? Even just taking your Skype date to a different room and making it a little bit special can have a dramatic effect. Tell him that you don't want either of you to get complacent or to start taking what you have for granted and so it's time for both of you to renew your efforts.
For conversation, there's probably a lot of funny little things that happen in your everyday life that you could share with him, just you have forgotten by the time your conversation happens. Why not take note of the things that happen around you, and bring them home for discussion. For example, Mr. E used to commute every day, and he'd usually have something to share just from observing the people around him. One evening I remember, we talked for hours about parenting, because he'd seen a woman giving her baby a bottle of chocolate milk. We often share work stories or keep each other up-to-date on what's happening in the lives of our friends and family. You can talk about the different politics between your countries, the embarrassing thing that happened at school or the new recipe you're trying for dinner. There's really nothing that's too small for discussion if it's not repetitive and if it's told well. It's the tiny things that shape our worlds and sharing those tiny things can bring someone into that world better.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend of a year and I always talk about the future and how we're going to move in with each other. Sometimes it sucks because I'm just not sure we can last. We're both going to high school so I'm worried it might draw away from our "high school experience" to be dating each other. That's four years and what about college? Probably more years apart. Am I worrying too much or is it reasonable? HELP!
Texas Troubles
Dear Texas Troubles,
Not everyone's high school or college experience has to be the same. I personally did not date a lot, didn't have one night stands, didn't spend a lot of time getting drunk or trying drugs and I don't look back with regret; so don't give into to the misguided notions the media and possibly your peers are feeding you. Do what makes you happy and don't worry about other people's version of normal.
Dear Miss U,
I'm lost I don't know what the right thing is anymore I have been with my heart forever. He always use to be so nice until a couple of years ago then something changed in him he became violent which made me "scared". His bad violence started to cause problems between us which on more than one occasion. He started telling everyone who would listen I was the bad guy, he defended himself. I know you don't know me but I love this man too much to yell at him let alone lay my hands on him. But recently he was deported from the country. His family came like the repo man and started taking things from our home, and he was upset because I told his family to leave my home. What he did to get deported had nothing to do with me but his family told anyone who would listen that it was my fault. I never got to see his face for his last good by because he was allowed only one visit and his family took it. I send him money to help him, got him a job/an apartment to make sure he is ok. He often is mad when I send him items he request, it takes too long. He had told me to move with him-I don't speak the language-if I move will I be his love or the bad guy again? every week he finds a reason to fight on the phone so he can go out I told him he doesn't have to fight with me just go have fun, then he fights with me, saying "nothing about this place is fun this place is awful!" he often says it's hard to live their how will he care for me and our little hearts. I want to show him I love him, but I'm afraid.
Broke Heart
Dear Broke Heart,
As much as you might love him, this man has zero respect for you, is violent, demanding and is quite possibly dishonest (generally if you're doing the right thing, you don't get randomly deported.) He lets his family treat you badly and you've admitted to being afraid of him. Why on earth would you want to move closer to him, to a place he tells you is terrible, so you can continues to be poorly treated.
I would take his sudden removal from your life as a blessing. Move away from his family, change your contact details so he and his family can't harass you and start moving on with your life, because love doesn't treat you like this. Find someone who will love you kindly, gently and respectfully as you would love them. I don't often encourage break-up as a solution to people's problems, but sometimes you really need to put your best interests first and move on. This is one of those times.
Sincerely
Miss U
