Me and my girlfriend have been dating for over a year. She lives about 250 miles away (we dated 6 months before she moved). I don't mind the distance as much because we always talk on the phone and text but she does. She just can't handle being away from me for so long. We both still love each other deeply, but she can't take the stress and is thinking about breaking up. We both don't want to, but she feels like she has to because she can't take it. I was wondering if there is any advice to help with this. We sometimes skype and always talk on the phone. We try to hang out as much as we can, but she says it's just too stressful planning everything.
~ Trevor
Dear Trevor,
Honestly I've never understood why people break up over the distance. If distance is the only problem your relationship has you're very lucky; don't throw that away! Realistically, if you break up what changes? She'll still love you. She'll still miss you every day. She'll still be lonely. She'll still have inferior suitors vying for her attention and whilst she'd be free now to date them, if she's still in love with you their company won't fill that void. Essentially, if you love someone who is far away you're likely to feel like garbage regardless of the status of your relationship. Breaking up doesn't make those feelings disappear. In the short term you're actually likely to feel worse and in the long term you get to spend the darkest moments of your life wondering "what if…” so obviously I'm a big fan of sticking it out, or at the very least discussing what the advantages and disadvantages are. Sometimes people look for an easy way out when one doesn't exist and once they really think about the options they realize breaking up won't save them heartache.
Distance is hard, but unless you're unfairly lucky it's not the hardest challenge you will face together. Support each other, find strength within yourselves and just push through taking each day as it comes.
The best advice I can give is: if she is stressed by the planning then perhaps you can take a greater portion of that load on yourself. Ask her what you can do to make this relationship easier for her.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I were dating for three months before he moved, and we've been in our long distance relationship for the remaining 10. I am graduating high school this year, and my boyfriend will be next year, and he wants to come here for University but he doesn't know what will happen yet. My own mother is very approving of our relationship, but his is much less so, I think. I get the feeling from her that she passes off our feelings as invalid or insignificant because of our age, which is frankly, incredibly devastating. She is only allowing one 5 day visit this summer, which is much too short to even begin making up for all of the lost time. My boyfriend and I recognize each others' boundaries and our future plans do most certainly include each other. We know we want to spend our lives together, and we aren't unrealistic in terms of what to expect economically and socially in the future, we understand the merits and downfalls of a capitalist society, but I don't think she sees it. Am I being stupid or am I really just too young to be thinking this way, or too young to make decisions for myself? It's only been one of two or more years, and I'm already so tired of waiting for my prince to return.
~ Cat
Dear Cat,
Some people have a ridiculous prejudice against teenagers that makes them assume every young person is the same, but that is their problem not yours, so do your very best not to take it on board. Many moons ago, I had the same problem with Mr. E's family. They spoke to us both as though we were ignorant children; partially because (I believe) they recognized how sheltered their own son was – how little life experience he'd had and real world skills they hadn't bothered to teach him. They judged me by the standard they expected of their kids, not by what I was actually capable of.
Additionally, some parents take pride in their children turning into self-sufficient adults and having relationships, where for other parents that's a scary thing because they aren't ready to let go. It's also possible his mother might feel threatened by you or afraid she will be replaced.
Perhaps the easiest thing to do is have him talk to her. This has certainly been effective in my own relationships. How can she see that you two have a solid plan, have thought things through and are serious if he never discusses it with her?
You're basically an adult. I know the way she is treating your relationship is hurtful and restrictive, but soon both of you will cross that legal threshold and hopefully that will bring some much needed progression. Remember too that she will judge your maturity on your ability (as a couple, not you as an individual) to pay for and organise your own visits. If you're self-sufficient adults she'll have a harder time treating you like children.
Two years is but a drop in the ocean of years ahead of you that you will spend together. Just keep swimming.
Dear Miss U,
My name is Delta. And I have been long distance dating a girl named autumn. And on June 27 she is coming to visit me. This will be my first time seeing her and I want to make the whole trip special. And I want to set the tone straight from the airport. I need an idea of something I can do that's really romantic when she arrives. I have to wait down by baggage claim. I'm not a romantic person at all. So I need all the help I can get.
Thanks,
Delta
Dear Delta,
When in doubt, ask a girl's best friend about the kind of surprises she finds romantic. This is one of the most effective ways of fulfilling someone's fantasies. It's also great when you can't think of a birthday gift.
I met a man at the airport once. He didn't bring me flowers, or have the moment recorded/photographed, or hold an embarrassing but romantic sign (some ideas) but he did pick me up to embrace me and I was (literally) swept off my feet. I wouldn't have minded if he'd had my favourite coffee waiting for me though, because flying is a thirsty business.
A grand gesture, perhaps involving a carpet of rose petals or corridor of helium balloons would tickle the fancy of some, but you'd know better than I would if she'd be wooed or mortified by that. The humorous approach may be to have a small device in hand that can start playing music without any fussing. When you walk up to each other you can say "I feel this moment requires its own soundtrack” and hit play. Then, you know, kiss her. Or kiss the back of her hand if PDA isn't your style.
Sincerely,
Miss U
