My partner and I are about 10 hours travel from each other, and only get to see each other once every two months, for 1-2 weeks. I'm finding the relationship increasingly challenging due to the controlling nature of his mom. He lives at home with his parents and younger brothers, and has never moved out, whilst I've lived independently at college for 3 years. The trouble is, she complains when he spends money to come visit me - and even wouldn't allow me to buy a ticket for him one time, which seems completely unfair as it wasn't her money that would have been spent - it would have been either his own hard earned money, or mine. She seems happy with us whenever I go up to see him there, but immediately we're apart or he's here, she gets really nasty and tries to even control how much we communicate by screaming at him to get off the phone. I try my best when I'm in their house to get to know her, but I can't take her controlling my relationship and my happiness any more. It's really bearing on me emotionally and I feel like it's a three person relationship. We're both adults, and it's ridiculous that she has no respect for our relationship. I'm going to move up to live with him in our own place in 5 months, but I'm really worried that her controlling and dismissive behavior will continue, or amplify. I can't say a bad word against her without her screaming at me and ignoring what I say. If he defends us she tries to kick him out. He hates being stuck in the middle. What do I do?
- Stephanie
Dear Stephanie,
It's not your place to do anything. His mum - his problem. He needs to find his independence, move out and then make it clear that her interference will not be tolerated. As it stands now, adult or not, he lives in her house and is still subject to her rules.
All you can do is make it clear to him how you feel and that ongoing controlling on her part after he moves out will be the death of this relationship. I sympathise with him on being stuck in the middle, but often times that is how it works; at least before marriage or entering into a common law partnership. He is the bridge between you, he needs to find the balance between the family he came from and the family he will have in the future, just as you are the go-between for his relations with your family while you find the balance between past and future.
It's frustrating because you are already independent, but are being treated like a child because he isn't, but there is little you can do that you are not already doing. Stay strong, this too shall pass.
Dear Miss U,
Me and my girlfriend Allie met online last year and since then we've been in an LDR. We've had some difficulties along the way but eventually I met her and we spent a week together in New York before I had to return to the UK. Everything has been established so well between us but lately she has been missing me terribly. She attempted to break up with me once claiming that I would be better off but in the end she changed her mind. Neither of us wants to end things but she is very desperate for human contact. As this is my first LDR and I don't feel the same sort of desperation for contact I was wondering if there is anything you can suggest that will ease the pain of her being away from me? I'm coming back to her for some time in August but I fear this problem may be ever present in our relationship and I love her too much to not do anything to help. Thank you for listening to me any suggestion is appreciated.
- Jordan
Dear Jordan,
Truly you are a sweetheart. Unfortunately, there is little you can do. How much an individual suffers whilst in a long distance relationship is based largely on their own ability to accept their situation and their mental attitude towards it. You can encourage a positive mental attitude by putting a positive spin on negative things she says, and by modeling the same behaviour yourself. Remind her that you are blessed to have each other to miss – fortunate to have found each other, lucky to have someone you love so much that it has the power to cause such pain. Encourage her to look upon this LDR as an adventure but to treat the relationship as any other relationship – that is to say, make your love the central focus and not the distance. The distance is a factor in your relationship, but it isn't the entirety of it, so shift the focus. It doesn't help anybody to obsess over things that can't be changed for the time being.
Look into activities that can bring you closer together mentally and emotionally. Have fun together and be romantic so that she isn't thinking, "I'm so unfortunate to be far away from my love," but instead, "I'm so lucky to have someone to make me feel so special."
Be a presence. Don't just use one method to contact her, or it begins to feel like you're an imaginary friend living insider her computer. Use the phone, send her mail. You can even get mutual friends or family involved. Have someone pass her a message or get in on making a surprise for her. For example, send love notes to her house mate with instructions for where to place them. For example, a flower picked from the garden and a note in your handwriting that says, "Sorry I missed you this morning, but I was thinking of you," could make her smile all day. Or her favorite desert in the fridge with a note that says, "I couldn't join you for dinner tonight, but there's no reason not to enjoy yourself," might make the difference after a hard day.
Be creative, be positive and reach out to her emotionally. She might not understand why you don't suffer the same way she does, or might think you love her less because of it, which isn't the case. Reassure her of your feelings, try to involve her in your life as much as possible and take it one day at a time.
Sincerely,
Miss U
