A year before last I contacted and eventually met my college girlfriend after 30 years. She and I have families now and spouses. We have seen each other off and on talked about where our lives have gone after 30+ years. She and I have 'hung out' so to speak gone to a movie, had lunches and just talked. I made plain that I was not after her for sex, not my intention. Just wanted to be friends and see her from time to time. I still love her and would love to finish out my life with her, I know that won't be possible although she had said to me stay healthy. She said
to me it is possible to love two people, and I do love her
we still talk, text each other but not every day. I love my wife but I am in love with my friend. Am I nuts to even think this? But my gut tells me it is going to happen
Am I Nuts????
Signed wishful
Dear Wishful,
I suppose situations like this are exactly why many people feel deeply insecure about their partners remaining in any kind of contact with their exes; though this is probably the most extreme case I've seen. She must have meant a lot to you for you to seek her out after so long. It's exciting I'm sure, the kind of thrill that's been long gone from your marriage no doubt.
And yet, I just feel for your wife. You have built a life and a family with this woman. She is a cornerstone of your home. At around sixty years of age I doubt she even considers infidelity to be a potential threat to the marriage any more.
Are you seriously considering waiting out your wife's life to be with your college sweetheart? Unless your wife is in poor health that could be a very long time. Another twenty years, maybe more. I can't imagine your marriage surviving the unseen pressure that waiting would put on the relationship. Sweetheart is also married. Would she too wait for that to run its course? I'm sure this idea seems noble, but I can't see it playing out in the real world, nor does it seem to me like either of you want to leave your marriages.
That's the thing, isn't it? Do you want to leave your marriage? Is there anything wrong with your marriage? Were you looking for a way out when you started looking up old flames? Have you been happy these last ten or more years? If Sweetheart was not a factor, would you still be looking forward to a time when Wife would no longer be by your side? Because if life has been good to you and you still love your wife as you say you do then you need to follow a course of action that will protect what you have built together; and that means cutting contact with Sweetheart. It might even mean seeking counseling and talking to your wife about this near-disaster. If you wouldn't leave Wife for any other reason, if you're not unhappy and still love her, if you're not exiting your marriage for yourself (and no one else) then it's the wrong decision.
If you want to save your marriage then you need to focus all your efforts there and remove from your life the things that threaten it. Don't play with temptation; to do so would be stupid. Sooner or later you will cross the line, if you have not already, and you'll betray a good woman who doesn't deserve that. Don't put the chocolate cake in your shopping cart if you have no intention of taking it home and eating it. Hell, you know the cake is bad for you, so don't even wander over to the bakery section to have a look.
You don't need to test your self-control, you need to make a choice. It's obvious from your letter that being just friends with Sweetheart isn't an option. You have feelings for her, and she for you. There's only so long you will hold onto that "just friends” facade. So either recognize you made a huge mistake and remove yourself from her life or come clean to your wife, get a divorce, and take the gamble that sweetheart will sacrifice the same for you. Waiting for your current spouses to die or leave you is cowardly and impractical. Not to mention that it is still cheating. Emotional infidelity is still serious and even if you never touch Sweetheart, Wife would still be heartbroken to find out that your heart was elsewhere.
I suspect that even if having an excuse to leave your marriage was never your intention, the relationship could probably use some work. Something is likely missing for you to have been looking up this blast from the past. Instead of outsourcing the things your marriage is missing, put the effort in to build your love back up again. That's key to a successful marriage, being able to fall in love over and over again with the same person. If you want your marriage to be more exciting, court your wife again. Do new things together. Talk to her; really talk. People grow and change: How much about her do you actually know and how much of your knowledge of each other is out dated?
Whatever you decide, try to maintain your moral integrity and do the least amount of harm possible. Don't lie and cheat Wife, she deserves better than that. Don't lie to yourself either and say that you are just protecting her from the truth, because the only person you'd be protecting is yourself. She wants your love, not your lies. You owe her that much. Sweetheart would also deserve your whole heart if she were to have any of it. It's not fair on her to only give her the love and attention that's left over after you've spent time with Wife. It's not kind to Sweetheart's husband for you to tempt her away from the vows she took either. Yes, it is possible to love two people at once, but it's a whole other thing to try and have a life with both of them. So prepare to say goodbye.
Dear Miss U,
My name is Miranda, I live in south Florida. My boyfriend's name is Zach, he lives in Maryland, 1200 miles apart and over the entire year we have been dating, we keep messing things up. First, he would flirt with other girls, I let that go because he stopped. Then he cheated once with a girl named Faith, I let that go, then I found out he used to talk badly to me. We were really good for awhile but then my anxiety started to worsen and it stressed him out enough to cheat again. We got back together and his ex contacted me to warn me about all the messed up things he did when they were together. However since we got back I have noticed things changing. He's spending more time Skyping me and texting me, he's been nicer and I know he's been faithful but still I have the anxiety that's making me physically ill. He is trying to make things better and I know the guilt is tearing him apart. We both want to be together I just don't know how we can possibly last now that all of that stuff has happened, but since its a year it would seem like a waste to just let it go now. I love him so much, how are we possibly supposed to fix this?
- Miranda
Dear Miranda,
A year is nothing. I know it feels like a long time when you are young, but honestly it isn't. I personally don't consider a relationship serious until it's at least a year old. Before a year I don't expect a partner to include me in their future plans or finances nor do I expect to know all their friends and family in that time. At a year we're still getting to know each other and who we are within the relationship. Things are still new and exciting.
The flirting I don't really think is a big deal. Sometimes flirting is just harmless fun, as long as no one is being lead to believe more will come from it. But he's been unfaithful twice in the first year and had blamed you for one of the incidences! You are not to blame for his inability to keep it in his pants. Anxiety is a genuine health issue. If he said to you "Oh I cheated on you because you had a broken leg” or "Your diabetes stressed me out enough to cheat again" you'd leave his sorry arse because you'd (hopefully anyway) realize how moronic that excuse is. Mental health is the same. You can't get away with infidelity because your partner has an illness or is struggling with something. Generally I would tell you that your trust will repair itself in time when it is earned back, and that your anxiety too will decrease when you feel more secure, but frankly you can do a lot better for yourself than this. Love is not all it takes; and even if it was love doesn't cheat and then blame you.
Don't throw another year away on this young man, this isn't what a good healthy relationship looks like.
Sincerely,
Miss U
