Me and my SO have met in a volunteer abroad, he’s from Europe and I’m South American. We started seeing each other when I was just after 2 relationships in a row and I didn't want to start another relationship, but ended up staying together as he insisted he didn’t want to be casual. We kept on dating and even lived together, but from time to time I got confused and always told him about it (I wasn’t sure I wanted "to be" a couple). Now I’m back home and he's visited me once in our 12 month LDR but we've been arguing a lot lately, I feel bored, miserable and don't think I can handle the distance anymore. I'm still in college for another year and can't move elsewhere. I suggested to open the relationship twice in 1 year but he refused. We’ve been talking for a few months about him moving here but lately the idea does not appeal to me anymore as it would be an excessive commitment to me. I don't want to hurt his feelings and care deeply for him but feel we are in different pages in life. Should I end the relationship if I’m not ready to conceive a future together, despite him being willing to move over? I feel bad cause he's an amazing boyfriend & I’d take him in the future, but now I’m very unhappy with every other aspect of my life and I don't feel I have energy to commit on a relationship anymore. Please give your opinion cause I’m finding it hard to make a decision and feel like he has the right to know exactly what I want.
Truly Confused
Dear Truly Confused,
You might not know what you want, but you know what you DON’T want which is just as important. You don’t want a long-term committed relationship right now, and that’s ok. You humoured him and gave it a shot, but it isn’t working for you. The end.
Relationships come to a close for all kinds of reasons; there doesn’t have to be a bad guy in the story. So tell him the truth. Tell him that he’s amazing and that he doesn’t need to think he’s done anything wrong, but that you can not be happy within the confines of a relationship at present and that you can not offer him a future.
It would be very bad form of you to let him move to you, to uproot his whole life for a future you don’t want. Tell him as soon as you can, it’s never nice to string someone along.
Good luck.
Dear Miss U,
My husband went to Australia after 2 months of marriage .....After marriage I feel .. He is not interested in me as he was earlier. Before marriage he used to call me for 2 hrs or more than two hrs ...he left text for me after every 10 mins.. but after marriage he call me just for 10-30 minutes...the conversation is just as casual conversation and not romantic or intimate as it was earlier( before marriage). He always use my weak points to criticize me ...and I am not able to share my feelings with him because he does not understand my feelings.. I luv him a lot he is my only hope to live ...but I hurt a lot because I want a baby and my husband to live a healthy life .. but neither he is not coming back to India nor applying for my visa to Australia... I have been waiting for him for 2 yrs ...sometimes I think ..I’m just wasting my time ..I should move on ...but if I asked him for divorce he said: he will die . What should I do?
Should I move on or stay in a relationship?
Sky Deep
Dear Sky Deep,
You deserve better. This isn’t what you signed up for. I feel that when people take their wedding vows they need to add a promise to uphold the standard they set during the dating period to the best of their ability.
Sometimes when people marry they get lazy. They think “Oh, we’re married, she/he will never leave me, I don’t have to keep trying," which of course kills the relationship fast. Marriage is an on-going effort. If he is not willing to work for your happiness, just as you should be working for his, then there is no point in persisting. Start by talking to him. Tell him you miss the way he was. That you are hurt and lonely. Explain that this isn’t marriage to you – you want a life and a family. A husband who is present every day or at least fighting to make that possible. He doesn’t need to understand how you feel. Your feelings don’t need to be logical, or to make sense to him. All he needs to do is care enough about you as a person and to make the necessary changes.
When you talk to him, tell him also that you will not stand for him putting you down. He doesn’t have the right to treat you that way, you are not his property. Marriage can not survive without respect. If he doesn’t immediately start treating you with respect (examples of respect: listening to you, never calling you names or belittling you.) find someone who will.
Let me say that all again, just so it is clear: You are worthy of better than what he is giving you. Tell him what you need. If he is mean or just doesn’t bother to follow through after you talk then leave him.
It is ok to divorce him. He will not die.
Some people say they will die just to make you feel guilty, because they know you love them more than they love you. They know that you are kind so they use that against you. It is a tool for him to get what he wants from you. (This is a sign that he does not respect you.)
Do what you need to do so that you can be happy. This is your life, do not waste it on anyone!
Sincerely,
Miss U
