My girlfriend and I met online and have been together for two years. I just graduated high school and have saved up enough money from working to see her in November. I am even not getting a job till after I see her cause I want to see her for a week which I know no job will give me. I love this girl to death. There is never a dull moment between us I love her more than anything in this world. We are so alike and perfect for each other. I can definitely see a future with he. She is going to high school in Cali and I am going to college in Florida. She might have a chance to get accepted to a school here but her father won't let her because he knows it'll be mostly be because of me and it would be cheaper going to school there. I would be willing to see her every time I have break but I need a another job (just got laid off which is why I'm waiting to meet her in November to see her then get a job) to do so to afford it. I don't want anyone else and neither does she, but it's hard to find a way to be with each other and have money to travel till maybe we both graduate college but would be too long. It's hard to accept defeat and just be friends when I know she's all I want please help. Thank you Miss U.
Chris
Dear Chris,
Sometimes all you can do is trudge forward one step at a time. You say it would be too long to wait until you're done college, but what is longer – waiting, or living the rest of your long life wishing you had waited?
What you can do is agree together to work hard. Carry the burden of the relationship's finances between you, even if you can't both travel for whatever reason. Right now her parents can't afford to let her study in your state, but in a couple of years' time when they have seen the dedication between you, that could possibly change. She can also look into any scholarships she might qualify for.
If both of you want this relationship and you're both willing to put in the hard yards, then it can be done and it can be worth it. If you have something special, don't give up on it. Yes, you might try and then fail, but you fail by default if you give up without trying.
When it comes to visits, avoid traveling at peak times (For example Christmas. Flights to anywhere cost more in December), ask about student fares, sign up for emails about flight deals and get your friends and family in on it too – tell them you'd like money for travel expenses instead of gifts for birthdays or other special occasions.
Nothing worth doing is easy, hang in there.
Dear Miss U,
I didn't think I was going to have any interest in writing one of these columns, but I feel like our situation is pretty different than everything else that I've read. My girlfriend and I started dating when I was a sophomore and she was a junior at the same high school. We both graduated from that high school and she is now starting her junior year at a college about two hours away from where I am starting my sophomore year.
We are starting our second year of a true long distance relationship and tension is very high. She does not always feel cared for, she has always had anxiety problems, and us being apart exacerbates them awfully, and I'm not always there to help. I am a much more independent person than she is, and she's mentioned before that she doesn't feel that she's genuinely cut out for a long distance relationship, but we've never given up before. As the school year is starting again, things are seeming just as difficult. Old issues that we felt we worked out during the summer are coming back up and giving her panic attacks and causing me a lot of pain. She feels that I'm not making any effort or acting like I care for her at all, but I feel like I'm doing everything I possibly can being two hours away, it just isn't enough for her. We text constantly and talk on the phone at least once a day. We Skype whenever we can and we see each other once every two-three weeks. How can I make this better? I do not want to lose her.
Albert
Dear Albert,
I'm not qualified to give medical advice, but for her to properly manage her anxiety disorder that is exactly what she will need. Anxiety can be debilitating, but it is treatable. Encourage her to seek help so that she can live free of anxiety's clutches. It is not okay for her to rely on you to help her function. It's easy for us to fall into the trap of expecting our partners to fix our lives for us, to let their presence make everything feel better, but it isn't healthy and it does not give us the skills to succeed in life. Support her in overcoming this illness and the relationship will be better off for it.
Secondly, ask her what you can do to make her feel like you're there for her. I know a lot of people are all, "Oh if I tell him/her what I want that makes it less romantic," and maybe it does, but none of us are mind readers, if she wants a fulfilling relationship she has to help you meet her needs – she has to tell you what her needs are! So ask.
Make time for surprises where you can, a bunch of flowers here, a postcard there. It goes a long way and needn't be expensive. Small "just because" gifts can make the world of difference. Create something for her. Are you artistic at all? Painting, writing, whittling, drawing? Heck, you can even make her a pet rock if that's the extent of your talents, the effort will still be appreciated. You can include her in your day with the odd photograph, something funny that made you think of her or just an "I wish you were here." Don't be afraid to be corny. Make her favorite beverage and tell her you're drinking it because it reminds you of her.
Importantly, ask her about her day. Use open ended questions, don't settle for an "I'm good" or "it was fine." Share the details of your lives even if you think your life is going to be boring. Talk about big world issues too; make a mental connection by adding extra depth to your conversations.
And lastly, visit more where possible. Two hours is honestly not that much. Even if the visit is a one-day trip where you meet half way for lunch or one of you has classes or work during the visit, make the effort. Plenty of couples won't visit if the host is working, but they should. In your real lives together, after you close the distance, you will both work. And the people you are at the end of a hard day will be the partner you see quite often. Learn to be with each other in that state. It's nice to come home to your love at the end of a day, so don't count out that experience as a waste of effort if it's possible to pull it off.
Sincerely,
Miss U.
