We are high school sweethearts and decided to stay together despite attending different colleges. However, I'm stuck in my town while he goes to a great college in New York City. I couldn't go to UT Austun until next year due to financial issues.
Anyway, the fact that I'm stuck here has been taking a toll on my emotional health along with other things. My parents haven't been encouraging and it's just been a hard semester so far for me and I've been needing so much support recently and I feel like he can't give it to me because he's off experiencing life. And who wouldn't? It's NYC. But recently, I've ben feeling more and more distant and I've been forgetting why I love him in the first place and because I've been combatting depression, I just end up pushing him away when he tries to help. And it just really hurts me and him. I don't know if I'm being a baby or overreacting but I feel as if I'm not getting the support I had when he was here and I am slowly forgetting our time together because of my sadness. Help me? I don't know what to do, he's so good to me and I'm just so sad with my current situation...
- Loveless
Dear Loveless,
It is possible to forget why you love someone, or even why you like them, in times of stress and change. This is why visits and date nights are so important. It's why old married couples need to send their kids off to grandma's place and go for a long romantic walk. Couples need to talk, to connect on a deeper level and to laugh! It is nigh impossible to maintain a relationship if all the fun has gone out of it, and life is too short for that. I know you're both busy with your studies and you're broke, but it sounds like it's time to work together on making a visit happen. Consider it an investment in your health and well-being, because that's what it is, and then plan something fun. Remind yourselves why you are great together.
Beyond that you need to focus on bringing some balance back into your day-to-day life, because from what I can see, that's the real problem here. It's not that you're unhappy with your relationship, it's that your relationship is suffering because you resent his fortune and are not even close to happy in your own world. The good news is, your life is your own and you do have the power to turn your bad days around. I have nothing but sympathy for you too, because there was a time I was in the same boat. Before Michelle hired me to write these articles I had a job I hated in a field so far removed from the one I wanted to work in that I began to think I'd never cross that metaphoric expanse; meanwhile Mr. E had started his career, was surrounded by friends and family, and of course had little ol' me waiting at home to make his dinner and wash his jocks. It seemed like he had everything while I had nothing, and the anger that built up inside me was hard to tame. Like you, I wanted the best for my partner. Of course we do! We don't want to see them fail! But it's so hard when you feel left behind or even held back. It's difficult to feel happy for someone when you're looking out the windows of your own misery.
But a time comes where you have to make a change, because there's no other way forward. You could leave him. You could say the love has died and wish him well on his journey. Or you can sit down, right now, and make a list of things that need to change in your life so that you can be happy. Maybe it will look like this:
1) Go to UT Austin
2) Stop feeling depressed
3) Be surrounded by a better support network
4) Spend time doing things that make me happy.
Then beside each one brainstorm things that you can do or are already doing to reach those goals. Keeping track of your progress can be quite inspiring, even if it isn't the solution you need right now. Other things you can address right now. For example you can see a professional about your depression, and you can reassess your approach to health by making better choices that will support your body and mind's needs; such as eating better foods, meditating, exercising and spending time outside. If you're not ready to see a doctor for your depression, you can look up resources online and speak to people who know what you're going through. Some resources include:
Beyond Blue
Psych central
Take this life
Blue Board
This is by no means an exhaustive list, but it might get you started.
You might have luck talking to your family about how you feel too. Ask for support, because they might not realize they are not doing enough. Most of the time our families care, but they don't realize we're not ok. We need to be brave enough to ask for the help we need. This goes for our partners too. Let him in, let him show you why you love him.
And of course, make time for hobbies. And if you don't have any, find some. Everyone likes something. The gym, sewing, taking photos, cats, collecting things, scrapbooking, couponing... There's something out there for everyone, so find your passion and feed it. If you really can't bring yourself to enjoy anything, that is a key indicator of depression, so we'd be back with seeing a doctor on that one. There's no shame in it. It's a health issue. You wouldn't be embarrassed to say you had heart disease, so don't let anyone make you feel ashamed about your mental wellness.
Do what you need to do. This is your life and it goes quickly. You have the power to make a change. You can choose to do one thing just for yourself every day. Be your own best friend! Write some of these affirmations down and stick them on your mirror.
You can't change everything right now, but you can change enough of it that you'll make it through til next year when you can change schools.
All the best to you.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend in Ghana always wants me to keep my locator on or needs to know who I'm out with. However when I've asked the same of him, he's hesitant to comply or says that the indication of the is incorrect and that he's not hiding anything from me. I care a lot for him but some questions like these keep recurring and I know that's a trust issue. I'm trying to understand the cultural differences of our lives but that doesn't relieve my concerns. I need another perspective on our situation as my family wants to hear nothing, thinking it is all a scam or something.
Please advise.
Thanks,
Salma wannabe in Accra
Dear Salma,
Neither of you should be expected to keep a locator on. Freedom is a right, and this level of control boarders on abuse. Don't stand for it.
Trust is important in all relationships, and unless you have done something genuinely abhorrent to break his trust, (such as cheating, repeatedly lying or in some other way betraying him) there is no grounds for his suspicions. Even if there were grounds, you deserve better. If he can't treat you better, if he can't show you respect and trust, you are at an advantage without him.
If it doesn't feel fair to you, know that it probably isn't fair.
Sincerely,
Miss U
