Dear Miss U,

I met my SO online 3 years ago thru mutual love of dogs. We hit it off straight away and became really close friends as we discovered over the months we had incredible amount in common and are pretty much the male and female version of each other. He was my rock through the break-up of my marriage and it wasn't till after I was single he told me he was in love with me. I never thought it was possible to fall for someone you've never met, neither did he, but that's just what happened. We planned for him to come to UK to see me last year but he became very sick and almost died. Its taken 18 months for him to recover and now he's ok, but every time I mention it now he clams up. We used to talk all the time about him coming here, now it's like the elephant in the room. I have no doubt whatsoever that he loves me, I'm just terrified because I've never wanted anything so bad before and I feel it's not going to happen. I cannot go to see him first as I have young children, my ex is very bitter and I know if I jetted off to USA alone to see a guy I met online he would try to make me out to be an unfit mother and try to take my kids off me. I just need this to move on. I don't want a relationship with an image in my apple device, I need us to meet in person but I feel totally helpless as it's all in his hands. I don't want to pressure him at all but this is really getting me down. I know if we had a date to focus on I'd feel so much better. Please advise me how best to approach this.

Brown Eyed Girl.


Dear Brown Eyes,

I suppose you couldn’t just happen to take your kids on an holiday in your boyfriend’s area, totally by coincidence?

Sorry, I have a dirty dishonest soul, and it gets the best of me some days.

I think you need to have a frank conversation with your partner. Ask him where he is at mentally, emotionally, financially and physically on the topic of coming to meet with you. Gently let him know you have noticed he shuts down the conversation when it comes up, provide examples where you can (this is always super helpful) and tell him you need to have this conversation so you can both get past the awkwardness and find out where the relationship stands. You’ll need to tell him that there are no right or wrong answers, and then you have to stand by that statement. It’s key to getting people to open up to you that you don’t freak out if they admit something that upsets you. You will need to be able to remain calm so you can think rationally.

Ask what you can do to help. Find out if there’s some way you can make him more comfortable with moving this relationship forward. Remember that the goal of this conversation is NOT to force him to get his backside onto a plane seat – it’s to strengthen your relationship, to check in with each other and support each other. The goal of a relationship on a basic level is for both people to get their needs met. So let your needs (the need to meet and be able to move on) be known, find out what his needs are and start building a plan together on how to get it all done.

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Hi, I'm Meisha. My boyfriend’s name is Jason. We met over the internet, he was being bullied and I stood up for him. We became best friends, and then he left his girlfriend for better, and he said that was me! We've been together for 2 years, and 3 months, but recently... It hasn't been the same. He used to hate leaving the house, he used to hate being so busy, he used to just want to sit and call me, talk to me, be with me. It's been 6 months, he's picked up illegal hours he shouldn't be working, 6am to 3am 7 days a week, he's even failing school. He tells me he's in competition with his mother’s boyfriend... But it's been 6 months since we've had a conversation... on his free days, he spends it with his friends, and I hear from his cousin he's out, to text him, talk to him, his phone is on him, but when I do I never get replies. Lately, he hasn’t been caring. He gave up. He hasn’t told me he's loved me in 8 months, hasn’t talked to me in 6, and it's been a year and a half since I've heard his voice and seen his face.. I go days without hearing from him. When he does reply it's "I miss you " but he never tries.. How can he miss me? How can he do this? How can he go days, weeks, months without talking to me? I was once the love of his life, I don’t know what to do. I love him with everything, without my baby boy, I have no idea what I'd do. But without me, He wouldn’t have a care in the world.. Is it over..? Any advice? Thank you.


Hi Meisha,

Yes, it’s over. It’s been over for a long time. What you have now isn’t a relationship. A relationship is defined as the state of being connected; but you’re not connected. There’s no communication there. I’ve spoken more to my electricity company in the past year than you have spoken to Jason. I’m sorry sweetheart, but you deserve better than this and so does he.

What I would do is write him a letter. Take a few days, even a few weeks, to do it. Get everything you think and feel on paper, and then edit it so it is fairly easy to read… and break up with him.

Stop trying to call and text him. Stop wasting your youth waiting for him. He knows how to find you so if and when he gets control over his life, he can contact you. Sometimes you don’t know what you had until it is gone. And sometimes you just don’t have the balls to tell what you have that you want it to be gone; but I’m hoping he falls into the first category.

You say that without him you don’t know what you would do, but you’ve been without him a long time. What you’ve had is the hope that one day you would have him again. You’ll be swapping that for the certainty that when the time is right you will enter into another relationship that is just a loving, but also fulfilling. A relationship where you are a priority. A relationship with somebody who knows how to take care of himself – because if he can’t take care of himself, you can’t rely on him to care for you when the time comes that you need someone.

Break ups are hard. But sometimes there really isn’t another option. You can’t save him. But you can save yourself. Be your own hero.


Sincerely,
Miss U