My S.O. lives on the other side of the ocean. Unfortunately we will not be able to be together any time soon. This should not be a problem since we both want to get married to each other in the future and have children.
Yet, she is afraid. She is afraid that she will be tempted one day and cheat on me. Is this normal? I don't know. I don't think she will, because she knows it will break me. I've told her and she was amazed at my trust in her. She told me she doesn't even trust herself.
But after her confession... I started to feel anxious. What if she does cheat? What if she finds somebody else, closer by? Does she still want me if she is afraid of falling for somebody else?
I am falling into the behavior where I want to control her every move but I am aware this will not benefit our relationship.
Miss U, I am so lost right now. What do I have to do?
Far Away
Dear Far Away,
Honesty is the best policy and all, but sometimes knowing things does us more harm than good. What she is feeling is perfectly normal, and not really something you should be concerned about. Most people will feel this way at some time or another. Case in point, I've felt this way myself. Not too long ago some friends are I were mucking around at a party, having a laugh and getting our tarot read. It was all fun and games until the lady giving the reading told me I would cheat on Mr. E, and most likely leave the relationship entirely. It really upset me, and bought my insecurities to the fore. Not because I readily put myself in situations that foster cheating or because I have unshakable faith in this woman's psychic ability, because neither of these things are true. Nor am I bored with Mr. E or in any way unhappy. But I do know temptation is out there. I know I am human, that I do have urges that are not always easy to control. I am curious. I can get carried away. Sometimes the idea of doing something wrong can even be exciting, at least on a theoretical level. All things considered, it's easy enough to believe I might somehow sabotage this happiness Mr. E and I have built together. I don't want to, and I don't really believe I will… but sometimes that niggling chance taunts me, just as it taunts your girlfriend.
To address your concerns; what if she does cheat? I personally am of the mindset that cheating is not the end of the world. Why is it exactly that people will let one instance of cheating destroy a relationship? Why does one mistake out-weigh the hundred times a person could have cheated but chose not to? Why is there that expectation to remain faithful and yet there is no recognition or reward for doing the right thing? In my opinion if she were to cheat, just once, and came clean about it, you would approach it together in the same way you would tackle any other obstacle to your relationship – calmly together as a team. You would figure out why it happened and endeavor to prevent it happening again.
Regardless of where each of you are, together or apart, there will always be a risk one of you will find another person you are compatible with and attracted to, and it makes absolutely no sense to worry about it, because it's not something you can control. In the event it does happen, whoever had the attraction would hopefully cut contact with the person threatening the relationship, and focus their energy on their partner instead. A good deal of the time even if attraction does form it is short lived. Your relationship would have to already be on poor footing for her to trade in a relationship with great history that she's invested a lot into over something new and uncertain.
Yes, of course she still wants you. If she didn't, she wouldn't be afraid of falling for someone else, she would want it to happen. If she didn't care about your relationship the idea of damaging it wouldn't distress her.
If she honestly doesn't trust herself she needs to be responsible and not put herself in situations that make cheating easy. Avoiding alcohol also helps a lot of people maintain their self-control. You, however, do not have to do anything. A great deal of the time a woman just wants you to listen, she doesn't want you to fix her problems. So listen, be the best you that you can be, and try to let this one go.
Dear Miss U,
I met this guy two years ago. He was really nice and we hit it right off. Then I moved, and he moved twice, and now I have no clue where he is or how to contact him. I need to know his true feelings for me. I'm starting to scare myself.
Emily
Dear Emily,
There is a huge chance he has completely forgotten about you, and you need to be aware of that. With that said, do you know his full name? Google is an amazing tool if you do. Or you can scour Facebook; if he doesn't have a profile chances are one of his parents, siblings or close friends will.
Sometimes you can get a person's forwarding address from the last place they lived, if you have that address or a contact phone number. Old job contacts or schooling institutions might be able to point you in the right direction, or you can ask friends of friends.
Beyond that you could try circulating a photo on social media in the hopes he will see it and contact you, but do so cautiously as the internet is not always a safe place.
Sincerely,
Miss U.
