Should I not get jealous even though my bf is liking or adding girls on Facebook? We're on a long distance relationship and he cheated me twice when we're still together. Is it normal? Should I trust him? How can I handle this situation because I am jealous type girlfriend? Does our relationship will last if we talked about it?
Faye
Hi Faye,
Generally if you find yourself overly concerned about anything you see on social media you have to give yourself a good shake and say “It's just social media." Then put your technology down and go do something useful.
With that said, I can see why you are insecure, it would be hard not to worry with a history of infidelity.
Here's how I see it: “likes" are so far below the realm of being a threat that I don't even know how you know who or what he's been liking on Facebook. I know there's the ticker on the side and all, but it would take some effort for you to comb through that to investigate his internet footprints.
When someone likes something on Facebook, most of the time zero thought goes into it. A good portion of the time people don't even finish reading a status or think of the deeper issues presented in an image before clicking like and moving on; while others use it to say “I saw this" more than anything else. A like is a non-event. It shouldn't even be a blip on your things-to-care-about radar.
Friending people? That I think entirely depends on how he uses Facebook and what he uses it for. If you met him on Facebook, or he has a history of dating girls he's met through the website, then perhaps it is reason for concern but otherwise it could be that you are worrying over nothing.
I've been guilty of that before too. It's hard not to let your imagination run away when you're long distance, and then things get blown all out of proportion. You can always just ask him how he knows these girls, if it isn't apparent (same school or workplace, etc.) If he doesn't actually know them, count it as a red flag.
If it's shared openly on a public platform then he would be daft to get upset with you seeing it. Everyone can see it, after all, so just ask.
At a basic level his friends are his business. His Facebook is his business. Regardless of if you are in a long distance relationship or not, how he uses his social networking time is none of your concern unless he is posting about you, or is posting your stuff without permission. He is allowed to have opposite gender friends, on and off line. That is normal. It is normal for him to occasionally be attracted to people other than you too. It's normal and fine. The line is crossed when he acts on those attractions. When his self-control fails; or if he's seeking friendships specifically for the purpose of cheating – which if you think is the case, this relationship is already over.
Trust is important. If you struggle to trust him to the point where you are losing sleep over this or don't feel like you can take him at his word, then it's time to end it.
Talking about it is great if things are being resolved and things are improving but it doesn't mean anything if you're talking and not being heard. Again, just ask him about it if you see something that concerns you. Explain how you feel, and mention that after a while his past transgressions won't feel so threatening any more, but until that time comes he will need to be understanding about your insecurities.
Dear Miss U,
My bf and me had been together for 3 years. When I was living in Florida and he was living in Texas he came to visit me for 5 days in March 2013, they were the best days ever. I recently moved to Pennsylvania due to college. Now after 8 months, he still has no plans to visiting me again. At first he was telling me that since he already came to visit me that it is my turn but the problem is I have no money and my parents said no to them giving me money for that. Then he started saying he really wants to visit me and that he will try but still no telling me when. Recently I asked him to be honest if he is going to visit me before March 2015 or at least have a plan before March 2015 and he said no but that he wants to. What should I do? I don't know what to do this really has me heartbroken. I just need advice or opinions just anything.
Natalia
Dear Natalia,
You should get a job, save up and either visit him, or help fund his visit to you. You are an adult, it's ridiculous that you would ask your parents to fund your long distance relationship. It's also completely unfair that you'd expect him to do 100% of the visiting because you don't have money. If you don't have money, get out there and earn some. If you are earning some, then look at your budget and see where you can cut back on your spending to put money into your visits. That's how it works in the adult world, plain and simple.
Okay so, I want to go see him so bad but I don't think that his family know much about me, which means I would then be staying in a hotel, I'm not sure if I'll find this awkward or not, I've been wanting to see him for such a long time but I am afraid that when we meet one of us will lose something for the other one.
I've been in a long distance relationship before, it didn't last as long and we never met, he was also older (3 years older than me) it was a lot different than the relationship now, many people, friends and family, put me down about him saying we will never meet and that there is no point, I don't know anyone else in a LDR so I cannot talk to anyone about it that will fully understand me.
I guess my point is that not only am I sacred but where will this lead to after??
Holly
Dear Holly,
I'm an agony aunt not a psychic; I can't tell you where your relationship will lead. I can tell you that it will never lead anywhere, never progress, and eventually stagnate and die if you don't meet however, so your chances of success are much better if you just get the courage together and give it a shot.
It might take a long time, and that's ok. It took me more than three years to meet Mr. E in person. People told him the same things people are telling you. You're dreaming. It'll never happen. Well those people are just big-mouths! What do they know? What makes them an expert on your life? Nothing. So ignore them and focus on your own happiness. By the time you have the means and opportunity to visit, you will be more emotionally prepared to follow through.
Be kind to yourself.
Sincerely,
Miss U.
