I have been struggling in my marriage for the last 10 years. I have been married for 18 years... have 3 children. Recently I traveled by myself to California and saw an old flame and had an affair with him. Sparks flew and we are now still talking and I have fallen in love with him. I don't know what my husband is hanging onto and why he still wants me when I have cheated on him and I want to be with this other guy. Can you please help me on what you would you do?
Thank you
LTR
Hi LTR,
First I would decide if the marriage with my husband could be salvaged, because the marriage is your priority. There has to be some reason you stuck it out this long, and there has to be some reason why the first eight years were enjoyable.
Start by figuring out what is wrong with the marriage. Write it down. All of it. From wears his dirty socks three days before washing to calls me mum instead of my name all the way to sex is terribly boring and he can’t hold down a job. Everything.
Then go through that list. Ask yourself: Is he just annoying because I’m annoyed? Because sometimes when you dislike someone everything they do is suddenly wrong. (Gee look at how that bitch eats that sandwich!) How many things on that list wouldn’t be there if you had been happy together these past ten years? How many things on that list does your old flame do, but they aren’t annoying because you aren’t annoyed with him?
Write out some simple solutions to things on the list. He leaves the cap off the toothpaste? Buy toothpaste that doesn’t come with a screw-on lid, or have his and her tubes. The sex is boring? You could both sleep with other people occasionally (and consensually) or you could actually talk to each other about your needs and fantasies because chances are the things that get you both going now are not the things that you needed in your teens. You’re not physically attracted to him anymore? Could you join a gym together? Go dancing together?
Secondly, you need to figure out if it is a case of “too little, too late.” If your husband was suddenly perfect, would you be strong enough to let go of the past? Do you want all the things you’re experiencing with old flame to be in your marriage but they aren’t OR do you just want an excuse to leave the marriage?
If it’s the latter, leave the marriage. Don’t be a coward and wait for your husband to be so hurt he walks out, pack your bags and move on. Remember every day you live is a day of your real life. Don’t waste it. Don’t sit around hoping for it to change. You are not waiting for your life to begin, this is it. So do something today to make it better.
I see you have kids so one or both of you might be all “we have to stay together for the children.” I’m here to tell you: you don’t. Your children are not stupid. They can sense something is wrong and it isn’t better for them to live in an environment of constant tension. It isn’t good for them to have their major role model for marriage be an unhappy lie. If you want them to be able to recognise and have healthy relationships themselves, then you need to model that in your own lives. Isn’t it better for them to be from a broken home than living in one? Or as a friend of mine would say “better a happy divorce than an unhappy marriage.”
Yes, you need to be civil at important events for your children. You need to be parents together, working on the same team. You need to be adults and not trash-talk each other when the children can hear you. But you don’t have to stay in a marriage that destroys your soul.
I also think you should ask you husband what he sees in you. Why does he still want this relationship? What does he get out of it? What is he willing to do to keep it?
Personally I think exes are exes for a reason. I also think if you are going to end this marriage you should take some time and be single. Really truly single. Give yourself the gift of remembering who you are and what you love. Have free time. Pursue hobbies. Throw yourself into your career, your education, your fitness, your spirituality. Find yourself again.
You can and should take the time to work on yourself even if you choose to work on this marriage, but don’t enter into a new relationship as a broken woman weighed down by baggage. Your relationship/marriage is the icing on the cake of your fantastic life – it is not who you are. It is not the most necessary piece. You need to be the cake before you invest in icing. That is to say, you need to be whole, happy and self-aware. When you know who you are and what you need you are in a better position to not only receive that, but to meet the needs of another.
Minus the three children, I have been in your situation, and I feel for you. I understand feeling trapped and guilty and unloved. I get how beautiful it feels to be wanted and appreciated again. To have butterflies. And I am not at all judging you for your infidelity; I don’t think that’s useful. Cheating is a symptom of your marriage’s illness, not a cause. Be kind to yourself on that, and let this whole thing be a catalyst for change. Draw power from wherever you can, get up and make that change.
Again, for simplicity’s sake, here is a list of what I would do (and have done) in your situation. If you’re really interested, write me back in twelve months and I’ll tell you how my story ended. I would like to know how your does.
1) Cut contact with old flame. Tell him you need to sort your shit out and in a year you will get in contact with him. Trust me when I say if it is love, he will still be there. Then block him on all your devices and lock his details away where you can’t get to them. Mark the date in your diary.
2) Set aside money you would use to move out, or start saving just in case. In the event you salvage this marriage, you can take a romantic weekend away instead.
3) Immediately start working on finding yourself. Set aside an hour every day (an additional hour if you are already doing this) and do something you enjoy (no, not Facebook or TV) or work on yourself. Meditate. Go for a run. Have a bath and read. Remember who you are.
4) Write out what is wrong with your marriage, what is right with it, and what would need to change to save it.
5) Write out possible solutions to the relationship’s problems.
6) Before you take your lists to your husband, keep a diary for a month. Look for the nice things he does for you, things you might be taking for granted like: Made my morning coffee or got my car serviced or didn’t complain about my mother’s terrible cooking after her visit. Write them all down, no matter how tiny. Even made me smile briefly should make the list.
5) After that month, read back over your notes. Look at your lists of things that are wrong and adjust them if you need to.
7) Sit down with your husband and talk it out. Talk about your needs and the relationship’s needs. Ask what he needs. Make a solid step-by-step plan to work on it and track your progress. If you can’t be civil, get a councillor.
8) Are there any improvements? How do you feel about those improvements after four months? Is it a case of too little, too late?
9) If things are improving, great, continue on. If things are not improving or it’s TLTL, use that money you put aside and move out.
10) If you moved out, spend the rest of the year healing, traveling, having fun and being your true self. At the end of the year contact old flame and tell him you’re in if he is.
If you are happily married, take that romantic weekend. Talk about renewing your vows with fresh goals in mind. Nurture your new self and your revitalised relationship. Write to old flame for closure, thank him for being the catalyst you needed, and then delete his information forever. Don’t remain friends with someone who could jeopardise everything you have worked for.
I know this list and the timings I’ve specified seem long right now, but realistically they are not. These things need time so that you can see if changes have stuck; so that trust can slowly grow anew. Remembering who you are is also time consuming, it doesn’t happen overnight, and the changes in your relationship from being your true self have their own timelines for assimilation.
Give your marriage this one last chance. Give this plan everything you have so that if you do walk out it isn’t with regrets, it is with the knowledge that you truly gave it everything you could. That you were brave and honorable and didn’t take the easy way out.
Know yourself, practice discipline and find true happiness (Sophrosyne.)
Sincerely,
Miss U.
