I love my boyfriend. He makes me so happy. I just feel like I'm a bad girlfriend sometimes. He got me this wonderful gift and sent it to me in the mail. I want to send him something back, but its a LOT harder than it seems to shop for someone you've never met. He says he'll be happy with whatever I get him, but I want everything to be perfect. I just want him to be happy. I sometimes wonder if I'm doing enough in our relationship. Half of the time, I feel like I am, but the other half of the time I just over-think. I do that a lot. Over-think. How do I stop from over-thinking everything, what is a good gift idea, and are there any special ways to keep my boyfriend happy? I could use all the help I could get. Thanks!
- K
Dear K,
It's been a month. I hate telling people to calm down, because that's the least calming thing you can say, but I really have to say it here. Relax and let the relationship flow naturally.
You could make him something. You can almost never go wrong with a hand-made gift, but what I would do is find a book of questions to send to him. Something along the lines of "How to Love Me," by Ali Davis. This will give you a deeper look into what he likes and dislikes, so that next time you want to send him something you'll have a better idea of what to go for.
You're not a bad girlfriend. When insecurity strikes try to list five reasons why you're a fantastic girlfriend instead of bringing yourself down.
Dear Miss U,
My friend and I are technically not dating. We met each other a year and a half ago and immediately hit it off but never got up the guts to tell it to each other before he left for Chile again. While we keep in constant communication and have even fallen in love we both are afraid to start anything serious. We are exclusively not together I guess you could say. While we are not seeing other people and don't even look at the opposite sex in the same way anymore, which is strange considering he was a sort of playboy, we don't want to start a relationship without the physical side. I don't want to be a virgin until I'm 30 and finally earn up the money to go be with him, or vice versa. I am so in love with him but don't know what to do. Should I move on and try to forget the feelings while still staying in contact with him? Should we try a relationship? I could really use your advice.
Thank you,
The desperate one
Dear Desperate,
You're not going to be a virgin when you're 30, because it's not going to take you that long to earn the money to visit. Even working a minimum wage job, if you're smart with what you earn, you will get there well and truly before then. Remember he too will be working. He too could travel, or could assist you in coming to him.
It sounds a lot to me like you're already in a relationship, just without the label. And that's more than fine. Sometimes the label is just added pressure, honestly. It doesn't change a whole lot.
What I think you need to do is open up a dialogue with him concerning this. Chances are he feels exactly the same. Personally, I'd discuss an open relationship. I'd look over the idea of being together in every way you can, but outsourcing some of the physical stuff if the opportunity arises.
From experience, I know that if you love someone, if your heart is truly set on that person, than no one else will compare, even if you try and make yourself forget. You can be dedicated to moving on as much as you like, but it won't happen if your heart has already been given to someone else.
Talk about it. At a base level, relationships are about two people getting their needs met. Figure out what you both want and need, then make a plan, make compromises, and make it happen.
Dear Miss U,
Lately my girlfriend has been hearing negative influences from her dad and friends. Her dad says men are all dogs and she needs to be careful. Her friends spread their own insecurities about their boyfriends to her saying that they cheat so why wouldn't I especially because I'm in college? I've never given her a reason not to trust me, and I constantly reassure her that I can be trusted completely. Each time we see each other which is about every 2-3 weeks for a weekend, it gets harder to leave. How can I cheer her up besides talking every day and sending little gifts? How can I continue to show her that this is worth it even through all the tough times? We only have another 3 months of this hopefully. But we've been long distance for 5 months now.
Jared.
Dear Jared,
Ahh, gender discrimination. It hurts everyone, doesn't it?
Next time she implies you'll cheat because all men do ask her if she loves sewing, fashion, cosmetics, dieting, back-stabbing, gossiping, gardening, children, wearing uncomfortable shoes, cleaning the house and cooking because all women love those things. All women are the same and aspire to be thin, white housewives in the service of their husbands with no rewarding career of their own. When she hears how ridiculous you sound, maybe she'll figure out that defining you on the basis of gender isn't giving you the credit you deserve.
That aside, it sounds like you're doing an above-average job of this long distance relationship thing. Keep up the good work and remember to plan things that are not just romantic or caring but also fun. Fun is the glue that holds people together.
Sincerely,
Miss U.
-L