To start off, I have depression and have experienced things that don't allow me to trust people(even friends and family) easily. And honestly, the near complete trust I have for my SO before we started dating is a miracle. He's the only person I can truly trust. He's in the army and stationed over 13 hours away. He's very independent and optimistic, so he doesn't really understand what to do when my depression has taken hold of me. Nor does he understand that when my depression has me that I am not my usual self, that even trying to ask for from even him is difficult. This is something that we've fought about multiple times. And the questions I have are: Is there a way for him to be able to understand me more? Is there something he or I could do so that he doesn't feel like I depend on him too much? or stress him out too much? Is there a way for him to understand that when I try to explain how I'm feeling to him, that I am not exaggerating?
Silhouette
Dear Silhouette,
Luckily, because depression is an illness and sadly not a rare one, there are a number of books available on the subject. I recommend finding a good book about how to support a loved one through depression and giving it to him. It is also a fantastic idea to research depression yourself. Understanding how it works and why you feel the way you do gives you power. It allows you to develop a personal toolkit for helping yourself, and that in turn will enable you to feel less like you are a burden. I'm sure he doesn't think you are too dependent on him, but feeling self-reliant is valuable and worth working towards. You can also help him by writing a short list of things he could do or say to help you during a depressive episode, and talk it through with him in advance so he feels more capable. In our relationships, on all levels, if we need or want something we need to be specific and ask for it. Don't hope he will know what to do, don't hold your breath for that sweeping romantic gesture. Make sure your partner knows what you want, need and expect, and help them achieve that where possible. No one knows you better than you know yourself, after all.
If you are not prone to exaggerating in other areas of your life, he is more likely to take your words to heart when you are underlying the seriousness of your depression. Beyond that, all you can do is give him more time to develop his own toolkit, and that can sometimes take years. Remember that you are on the same team and that you need to work together.
Never put the key to your own happiness in someone else's hand.
Dear Miss U,
I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 months now he lives in New York and I live in England. We met when I went on holiday to New York. I absolutely adore him but the time difference is making everything harder. When I finish work he starts work. And when he finishes work and calls me im asleep as it is 3/4am here. Recently he has tried to FaceTime me but because of the time difference it is usually about 2/3am here when he does and I am half asleep which has frustrated him. Every night I go to sleep with my phone on loud so I can speak to him and I speak to him but it is physically exhausting and affecting my work having only 3/4 hours sleep a day. I really want this to work but I am struggling. Help me please, how can we eliminate this time difference barrier to make this relationship work?
Riah
Dear Riah,
Evidently, you need a better plan. Talk to each other and compare the structure of your days to find an opening. Move some things around if need be, and compromise.
Can he call you on his lunch hour at work instead of when he gets home? Could you talk during your commute? Could you go to a café after work and have him get up an hour or two early to talk to you before he starts his day?
Failing that, I would recommend having a set date night on the weekend, and relying on lengthy emails the rest of the week. It isn't always possible to have real-time communication, but what matters the most is the quality of that communication.
Dear Miss U,
My bf and I have been together almost a year now and everyone says we're one of the strongest relationships they've ever seen (adults too) I even spent the holidays with his family. He's going to college in the fall and we've both talked about wanting to make it work. But my friends keep putting doubt in my head and making me worry. They keep telling me to break up with him because they "hate seeing me upset and worrying," but I don't understand why they encourage it when they know that the whole reason I'm worrying is because I'm afraid of losing him. How can I ignore what they're saying and survive what would be potentially a very long LDR? I know that high school sweethearts are rare, but it's still important to me to give us a shot, especially since he lives in another town and we don't see each other that much now except over skype anyway, so I feel like it really wouldn't be that different than it is now- just more physical miles. What should I do?
Anxious with age gap.
Dear anxious,
I would hardly call two years an age gap. Don't let those numbers worry you.
I feel your friends need to be reminded that friendships are supposed to be uplifting and supportive. They are not supposed to tear you down and make you worry, and I would encourage you to distance yourself from anyone who repeatedly makes you feel worse after hanging out with them, rather than better.
Next time someone tells you to break up with your boyfriend you can let them know that your relationship is not up for discussion, and remind them that if they can't say something nice they should probably resort to silence.
I believe you may need to look at the way you portray your relationship however. There must be a reason they are convinced this LDR is not good for you. Are you constantly moping? Sad? Do you complain about missing him more than you talk about the fun you have together or the nice things you have done for each other? Do you paint your picture in a positive light? Good friends want to see you happy in your relationships, so be happy rather than focusing on the negatives (we all face the prospect of losing our partners, no matter if we are near proximity or long distance. There's no use in torturing yourself over that).
High school sweethearts most certainly can make it. I know several couples who met in high school who are now married with kids or traveling the world. It does happen and it can happen for you.
Keep smiling.
Sincerely,
Miss U.
