I have been with my boyfriend for over 5 months. I'm a single parent of an 11 year old. He's a great man and we live 2 hours apart and he wants us to move in together. I've been at my job for 14 years. I'm scared? Insecure of leaving everything? What if it doesn't work out? I'm miserable away from him. I love him.
Patty.
Dear Patty,
Immediately I have to think, "why can't he move?" Are the reasons fair and respectful to you?
Workwise, yes you've been there 14 years but do you LIKE your job? Your work is just as important as his is – don't be fooled into thinking just because he too has a job (and likely a better paying one, thank you gender inequality) that you automatically become the person who has to give up yours – but if you're not happy there fear of change is a poor reason to stay.
What if it doesn't work out? Patty, every relationship has to face this question. That's no reason not to give it your all if that is what your heart tells you to do. You just need to be prepared. Make sure you have a substantial amount of savings set aside for just this purpose (preferably that he doesn't know about at this stage of the relationship) so that if everything does go pear-shaped you can get yourself and your child set up again. Be prepared so that you will have shelter and food, no matter what.
Beyond that, do what you need to do to be happy. I personally couldn't make that kind of move for such a new relationship, but on the other hand, life is for living NOW. If, fear aside, you are ready – then go!
Dear Miss U,
I met this travel buddy from Japan, He came to my country and we hit it off. Initially I did not like him due to his straight forward nature. But he was very persistent and I was hooked. We had sex the second time he came to my country for work.
But now I am sad, he initiates a long distance relationship, saying he believe it may last. But now he keep trying to push me away to other guys, he says because he don't want me to miss him. Also he is a workaholic and he told me he is not able to keep talking to me. He wants me but he wants me to take things slow. We had a fight and he says that he may not be able to keep anyone happy even me. He has little contact with his family even though they live near him. He is in the shipping business. I have not met any of his friends and colleagues but he had met mine.
I am confused. What should I do? I want him to commit to me and communicate more, but how should I go upon doing it. I love him.
Sandy.
Dear Sandy,
From your letter it truly sounds like he's just not that interested.
You can't make someone commit. You can't make them make time for you. You can't make them communicate more. You can't, in all honesty, make anyone do anything – at least if you want to keep your benevolence.
Something I feel might help you is an understanding that generally speaking Long Distance Relationships do not progress in the same way as Near Proximity Relationships do. I sense he is "trying to push you away to other guys" because you're asking more from him than he is able or willing to give.
His main priority right now seems to be his work. Not family. Not love. This could change, or it could be just how he is. It is up for you to decide if you are happy with what he has to offer you, both now and in the uncertain future.
It is important that both of you are clear in what you want and need from this relationship and if you're not on the same page, it might be better to let this one go.
Dear Miss U,
Just recently I started dating a PFC in the marine corps. I met him right after he got out of boot camp and spent a little over a week with him before he was off for a month to MCT in North Carolina where the only way to talk was through letters. During this time we grew pretty close. He insists on things that make me happy and constantly makes me feel special. However, he just got shipped off to Florida and won't be coming home for 6 months. Since I just started this relationship, is it worth staying in for the 6 months until he comes home? Can you be in a long distance relationship with someone you just met?
- Stephany
Dear Stephany,
Of course you can be in a long distance relationship with someone you just met – hell, there are loads of people in long distance relationships with people they've never met!
If you are happy, loved and respected and he feels the same, there's no reason not to continue the relationship.
All relationships have obstacles. If you throw in the towel every time one looms you will end up very lonely, so my best advice is: Only give up on a relationship if it isn't working; if the two of you are not happy/in love/respected/fulfilled. Long distance is a phase your relationship needs to go through – not the relationship itself. If it's not broken beyond repair, don't throw it out.
Sincerely,
Miss U.
