I am in NY & my bf recently moved to India for a 6 month job. They want him to stay for another year. He "wants" to stay, but he also wants to continue the relationship. I love him. However I feel that he has a choice and he should want to come home. His desire to remain in India makes me feel I am not in the equation. I cry myself to sleep every night. I have expressed my concerns. He is a wonderful man with a great heart but perhaps he doesn't really love me?! He does not want to get engaged or make any commitment. Please advise.
Deepa
Dear Deepa,
Work and family balance is a hard one for a lot of people. We all want fulfilling work that pays well and leaves us feeling satisfied at the end of the day; and that is hard to find. Sadly the majority of people I have contact with can not say that they enjoy their jobs. To give up one that is promising and where you feel valued; that is a lot to ask. I can see why he wants to stay. I also don't feel that a year is terribly long, what I would fear in your position Deepa, is what happens at the end of that year? What happens if you did wait and continued the relationship and at the end of that year they wanted to extend his contract again? What if, at that point in time, he still wasn't ready to prioritise you and your feelings? And that is something you can't know the answer to, it takes a lot of faith. It's an investment that has a high chance of not paying off.
I can't imagine him not loving you. Let's face it, long distance relationships have serious drawbacks. Sometimes they kinda suck. Why on earth would anyone put themselves through that if not for love? However, it is entirely possible that the things you both want and expect out of a relationship could be vastly different and you do need to talk about that. Does he not want to get engaged now, or does he mean he isn't interested ever? If it's the latter, is that a deal-breaker for you?
Obviously, as you are not at peace with this decision, you both need to talk about it some more. Can you understand why it is important for him to keep working there? Can he understand why you feel it is important to have him home? Is there some kind of compromise or agreement you could reach that would make you feel safer and more valued?
Keep working on it; understanding brings acceptance.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have been in an LDR for 7 months now. Every day I have to literally beg him to text me or call me. He hates using his phone. It upsets me that he puts no effort into communicating with me. We recently got to spend a few days together and he treated me perfectly and was incredibly sweet, but as soon as he left he got horrible at communicating with me. This always happens and it upsets me. I don't know what to do. He doesn't seem to understand that I just want to talk to him. When we're together he's an amazing boyfriend, but when we are apart it's like he doesn't even exist. I have tried talking to him about this issue but he always says he hates using his phone so that is why he doesn't text/call me. It's not just me, it's his family too. He doesn't use his phone to communicate with anyone. I understand he doesn't like to use his phone, but if we are in an LDR we have to talk somehow. I do not want to break up, I just want to resolve this issue without creating a fight or causing drama.
Erin
Dear Erin,
He doesn't like using his phone. Simple. There are a myriad of other ways he can communicate with you without using a phone. He can write you letters or emails. He can make voice or video recordings. He can Skype with you from the local library or internet café. He can contact you over facebook, Google+ or talk to you while you play online games together. He could take photos throughout the day, write captions on them and send them to you at the end of every week. He can send telegrams, flowers, postcards or his journal to keep you updated.
Show him these options, and then discuss which ones he is comfortable with. Talk about how much contact you expect to have. The standard in the long distance relationship community seems to be an hour a day, to give you a general guide. Explain to him that if you're not in contact, if you're not interacting in anyway, you can not maintain any kind of bond. To have a relationship you have to have relations. It is that simple. If he refuses to communicate on any platform, if he has an excuse for every suggestion, then take that as a red flag and think about moving on.
Sincerely,
Miss U.
