Sorry to bother but this is a topic I've been thinking about a lot lately. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a while now but in a couple of months, he's going to college four hours away. A lot of people say we should break up because we are just in high school and that it would make me more unhappy than happy. I truly love him, and I don't want to lose him. But I don't want to hold him back from the whole college experience by having a girlfriend stuck in high school. What's your opinion?
Alison
Dear Alison,
I'm of the opinion that the only peoples' opinions who matter are those people who are actually in the relationship, and that unsolicited advice should somehow be made illegal. If both of you wish to continue this relationship as a LDR, then do so. You don't know that you'll be more unhappy than happy – that's just negative people flapping their gums. LDR has a lot going for it, and personally I feel it holds people back less than a near proximity relationship has the power to do. People in long distance relationships tend to have more time to focus on the things that they should be focusing on in college – like getting an education and building a solid foundation for the future. Beyond that, there's the excitement of visits, the romance of mail and wistful daydreaming, the status points he can score for having a beautiful lady already waiting at home. Everything comes down to attitude. You can choose to suffer and have a miserable LDR, or you can choose to be awesome and make the best of it. There are lots of cool things you can do in a LDR that you never have the chance or reason to when you're dating local. Take advantage of that.
Now, I can only assume by "college experience" you mean "hold him back from having a lot of wild sexual encounters" because generally everything else that happens at college can happen whether or not you're in a relationship. You can still party, make new friends, and generally figure out where your life is going while gaining independence from parents. Really, other than getting STIs or potentially getting some girl pregnant, what exactly are you "holding him back" from?
I know in your teens it feels a lot like relationships are the end of all sexual exploration, but the older I get and the more secure I become in my marriage, the more confidently I can say that this is not the truth, so just because he doesn't sow his wild oats in college, doesn't mean you both won't make up for lost time as swingers in your forties. If it really bothers you, talk about it with him. It's ok to get some reassurance or to talk about options you might not yet have considered. You're in this together, trust each other and open up your hearts.
Oh and Alison? You're not a bother.
Dear Miss U,
I want to visit my boyfriend but he told me if I want to be visiting I need to think more about financing my stay, what does this mean? That we will not be staying together?! That I will by financing all my trips to see him? Please help I want to understand that statement.
Tulie
Dear Tulie,
At the base of it, I'm pretty sure it means he's an arsehat, actually.
Yes, he is saying that you will need to finance your visit, which will most likely include accommodation, food, transport (not just getting there, but getting around while you are there) and spending money. I recommend asking him if you are welcome to stay at his place because it's never a good idea to assume things but it looks likely that he isn't planning on you doing so. You will also need to ask him if he expects you to pay everything every time, or if he is just being cautious because this is the first meeting.
What your boyfriend needs to realize, and should already know at 36 years old, is that relationships are a two way street. Your visit benefits him just as much as it benefits you, and if he isn't willing to help out on some level (either by letting you stay there, providing meals, paying for some dates etc) he isn't worth the investment of either your money or your time.
Dear Miss U,
I have been in a long distance relationship with bf for 7 years. What's worrying me now is he has a female friend that he has known for many years that is constantly texting him when we are on Skype. He says I should trust him and I have nothing to worry about but I also know she tells him she wants to be with him. His answer to that is she may want him but he isn't interested so I shouldn't worry. I'm meant to be going to visit him soon for a couple of weeks from Australia to him in the U.S but this really causes me anxiety and I don't know if I should just walk away.
Lisa
Dear Lisa,
If you don't trust him then yes, you need to walk away. Not because I particularly think he's doing something underhanded with her, but because your doubts and veiled accusations will eventually destroy the relationship regardless and thus if you can't trust him you need to stop wasting your time now. If the close female friend thing is a deal breaker that is fine, but you can't change it – you can't choose his friends – so that too would leave you with a break up.
If the constant texting is disrupting your time together as a couple however, that is something I think you need to speak up about, especially if the time you have to Skype is limited. Ask him to respect you enough not to carry on text conversations with other people during your conversations, because that's just good manners. I also recommend encouraging him to speak to her about respecting his taken status. It isn't ok that she's expressing her desire to him when she knows he isn't available, and it is his job to make that clear. If he refuses, then you do indeed have a bigger problem on your hands.
I don't know if you will want to follow through on the visit or not. Many couples find that being reunited takes a huge weight off their relationship and enables them to speak more freely and sort out their problems; but if you feel unsafe and disrespected perhaps it's better to delay or cancel altogether.
Sincerely,
Miss U.
