I will refer to the significant other as VI for anon. VI and I have dated for 3 months about 5 years ago, but due to external factors with family, separated. We talked off and on through the years, but decided to rekindle a few months ago, and been dating for a month now. However, her job requires her to often work long shifts and move every 3 months, home for 3, etc. Before she moved about 2 weeks ago, we were already committed to being open with others and we've handled that well, but we have never done LDR. It was the hope that you would be able to give some light on some things specifics on how to work in time for both in person partners and distance ones. We both are fine with the idea that we spend time with others, as it doesn't detract from our feelings for each other. We have communicated to each other effectively in the past when we go pursue other people and are honest with everyone involved. I always have had trust in her regardless of distance to let me know when she is seeing someone new (as she is already flirty with a cute gentleman last we spoke today). For me personally, I worry about creating too much pressure on her to respond to my messages on social media and texts between her job and her partner/s, but don't want to have our relationship begin to stunt in its growth. I was hoping you could provide insight. Thank you for the time to read and, hopefully, respond.
Kino
Dear Kino,
The thing with going open is remembering that this this is your primary relationship, and treating it as such. That means you are a priority over all her other partners, and you make her a priority above all your other partners – each of you deserve to feel as though you are always number one. The goal is to eradicate any doubt or insecurity. Time with others might not detract from your feelings from each other – it might even enhance your feelings for each other – but that doesn't mean those people will ever come first.
If you worry about the pressure messages may put on her, send less messages. Generally people are pretty busy during the day, working or studying, and the beauty of messages is that you don't have to respond to them right away. That's not what they were designed for. If you ever need immediate attention opt for a phone call, but beyond that both of you need to understand that replies probably aren't going to be instant or may cease abruptly, because life is happening and it's rude for people to be looking down at their phones all the time. Less messages won't stunt your relationship's growth because instant messages are a poor platform to host a relationship on. Instead, agree to a set time that is your time together and have real conversations then. Perhaps you'll always have breakfast together, or a set date night every week, or an hour before bed with no distractions. Choose something that works for both of you in your busy lives, and commit to it.
Also remember to court each other while you're courting other people. A lot of relationships get boring and the people in them feel taken for granted because all the sweet things that happened at the start of the relationship gradually die off. If you're talking to each other about romancing other people, or receiving these gestures from other partners, and there's a lack of such things between you it won't go unnoticed for very long.
Keep the lines of communication open and remember every few months to check in with her on how she feels and the state of the relationship. Ask her if you could be doing more.
Dear Miss U,
Me and this boy from Florida (I'm from California) have begun speaking to one another via games & social media. He's really cute and is literally flawless in the boyfriend department. All his perfections make me wonder if he's telling the truth about not liking or being with anyone in his hometown. Long story short, how can I truly tell he wants to be with me?
Jane
Dear Jane,
How do you know he doesn't ask exactly the same thing about you?
The thing is, you've been dating a week. All the irritating habits he has probably just haven't made themselves apparent yet; but I assure you everybody has flaws. Even my beloved Mr. E is far from perfect. He's perfect for me, because most of our flaws line up, but other people with other needs and expectations would likely think he was a right pain in the backside. Physically too, I think he's the most beautiful man in the world, but you know what? Not everyone is attracted to skinny white boys with round butts and a girly walk. And of course dating online has its perks too. Mr. E. was always amazingly attractive when we were worlds apart because I couldn't smell that he hadn't brushed his teeth in three days and I didn't have to clean up the mound of soda cans that were breeding on his desk.
My best advice is to enjoy this wonderful stage, appreciate it, but don't get down on yourself about it. Don't even let yourself think this "he's out of my league" garbage, because Jane; you have lived with you a very long time. You know your own flaws intimately. Of course in light of that you're going to think they playing field is at a 45 degree tilt! But it isn't. So let this one go. If he didn't legitimately want to be with you, he wouldn't be with you!
Dear Miss U,
I've been dating this guy (Honey Bunches) for about 3 yrs. Starting off we had the love that just annoyed everyone. Trust wasn't a question, we wanted to be around each other no matter what we found a way. Coming to college he gave me a promise ring, *promising he will never leave. And during the first year he gave me the world as best he can from a distance.
He dealt with some family issues with his mom, and the loss of his job and issues between us. But I felt like no matter how hard the situation I wanted him to see that I would be there no matter what. But nothing kept him with me, every little thing about me annoyed him, like I could never do anything right. When he left I would always go through the "don't leave" (ugly cry) stage. Eventually he would surface back during breaks home.
We broke up for the summer and still speak, but can't seem to get on the right track. It seems like he want to be with me but he doesn't want to say so. When we speak it's everything I want but that just a moment because then he disappears. It's hard to even put into words I just need to clarify a bit to gain a understanding.
Aisha
Dear Aisha,
I know you'll hate me and this is the last thing you want to hear, but this guy is toxic for you and you need to cut contact. True love doesn't treat you like this. True love doesn't dick you around. I know you love him and it hurts like hell, but love is not all it takes and this boy can not give you the happiness and security you deserve. You are obviously a loyal and hard-working girlfriend, and you deserve that same dedication. You don't need a partner that is annoyed by you. You are fantastic, and deserve a man that can see that. Someone who knows and acts as though they are privileged to have your time. As hard as it is, I feel you need to put this one behind you for good, before he gives you so much baggage you can't drag it into the bright future that's waiting for you.
Sincerely,
Miss U.
