I have been with my boyfriend for 6 months; 4 of them apart. My issues are in the sex topic. He gets stressed if I propose to have phone sex cause he can't touch me and I get stress cause I feel sometimes he doesn't want me. I try to talk about the issue twice in the worst way ending in a fight. How can I express what I feel without pressure him or what else I can do?
Thank you,
JR
Dear JR,
The best time to talk about anything sexual is at the least sexual time. That means absolutely not when you're both snuggled down in bed/on the couch, with low lights and desire building.
Great times to talk about sex are when you're taking a long walk together or when you're doing something completely unromantic such as washing dishes. Masturbating (alone) beforehand is also really helpful to some people, as you're more likely to have the conversation with a clear head when you're not fraught with sexual frustration.
From there you need to be aware of the language you are using to address the situation. "I feel undesired…" comes across less accusatory than, "You don't show me I'm wanted…" Choose words that clearly outline how you feel as an individual – talk about what you need – rather than focusing on what your relationship doesn't have.
Thirdly, take into account the feelings he has made clear, and aim for a compromise.
Try: "I understand that you're uncomfortable with phone sex because you can't touch me, but a relationship devoid of sexual contact is detrimental to my self-confidence. Can we discuss other ways we could be intimate that would be enjoyable for us both?"
Some ideas might include involving a webcam (because whilst he still can't touch you, a nice show can sometimes make up for that) or swapping photos/videos and then taking care of yourselves separately. It's possible that nothing will make him comfortable enough to be intimate with you in real time at a distance, and that your focus will need to be on achieving a greater level of flirting/foreplay from him instead. This way you will still feel as attractive, you will know he wants you, but he doesn't have to do anything sexual that he isn't comfortable with.
There's a common misconception in our culture that tells us men are always "ready for it," and that sex is always on their minds and that they are going to automatically be interested in anything remotely resembling a good time, but it's simply not true. Men can and do have the same reservations and insecurities that women do. Because of this I encourage you to remind him that you respect him, that you value his feelings and his honesty, and that you don't want to force him into anything.
Assuming he respects you just as much, he will do his best to understand your point of view and reach a happy medium. If he still refuses to talk civilly about the issue or completely disregards your feelings on the matter, then it might be time to consider getting your needs met elsewhere, in a different relationship.
Dear Miss U,
I just found that my boyfriend has a 3 months old baby, well he had him before we met but the problem is he kept it a secret for this past months and the baby mama told me. recently when i went to visit him i found ladies clothes in his cupboard and said it was hi ex's. I found out that hes busy with other calls but swears he loves me& wanna be with me. Lately hes no longer calling like before, we only talk on Fb, during the day& mind u through Inboxes, we says he doesn't wanna publicize our relationship on Facebook we should keep it under rocks. I love him but is he really being honest with me? Please help a sister out!!!!
Mpho
Dear Mpho,
The math isn't adding up here. Your form says you have been dating nine months, so there's no way he could have had this baby before you started dating if it is only three months old. Furthermore, a baby is a huge secret to keep. You don't just not tell people that you're a father, especially if you're a half way decent one. Children impact your life in a very big way. This alone tells you that he is not honest.
To compound that, he doesn't want to admit to the world the two of you are in a relationship. This man is nearly thirty years old! That's the kind of this scared teenagers do, not grown men in honest relationships.
You need to lose this dude. Don't waste any more of your life on him. It's clear he doesn't value integrity so don't fool yourself for a moment thinking he's going to be any different with you.
Sincerely,
Miss U.
