I am in relation with a guy 7 years elder than me. He is too reserved and not expressive. He doesn't call or text often and doesn't make any effort to speak to me or come and see me. I'm a girl who loves to be around him and spend most of my time with him. He doesn't know to console me when I'm in despair but he just tells that he is there for me but I haven't felt it till now. He is handsome and thin, I'm normal and fat. Everybody keeps telling that he is too much for me but I have been very true to him. Even when he is with me, he walks before me and not along with me. He is not ready for a break up because he says that he loves me so much. I am not at all comfortable staying with him. I am confused to continue or break up. I wish I could get a clear picture of what to do.
Desperate.
Dear Desperate,
I am so happy you wrote to me, that you've chosen to reach out to someone.
You already know this guy is not for you. This relationship is not in your best interest and you are not happy. He might "not be ready for a break up" but that doesn't matter in the slightest because this relationship is over in everything except name. Your mind isn't in it. Your heart isn't in it. And frankly, it sounds like you could do way better.
So what if he's thin and conventionally handsome? What some people see as handsome others find boring. Physical attractiveness is very much in the eye of the beholder. Furthermore, the physical body is subject to change. Yes, he's thin now. That doesn't mean he still will be in 5 years. There's no guarantee that his skin won't become sun damaged, for example, or that someone wont hi-five him in the face with a chair for his inability to treat his girlfriend like an equal; so here and now I'm giving you permission to let that petty stuff go. He is not better than you just because you think you're not pretty. It's not ok for him to treat you poorly because you're not pumping iron at the gym four days a week. It's not alright for him to exploit you through your poor self-esteem.
From your letter I can deduce that you've spoken to him about how unhappy you are and how much you'd like to break up, and for some reason he thinks he has the authority to just tell you no. It actually doesn't work like that, but seeming he is suffering from this delusion, save yourself the drama of having to speak with him and send him a short message letting him know you're considering yourself single from here on in. A simple "This relationship is over. Do not contact me." Should get the point across. Then you block his number from your phone (you may have to google how to do this, or talk to your service provider), block him on social media, block his email and let all your friends and family know that you're cutting contact and would appreciate their love and support. Those who refuse to support you, who call you names or who try to pass messages for him probably need to be cut off for a while too. Then you go out and buy yourself something nice, like a big bottle of wine to celebrate your freedom, and you congratulate yourself on cutting the deadwood from your life.
I know it's hard to do break-ups and that you don't want to hurt anyone, but at the end of the day the only person you have to live with is yourself and the only person you can 100% rely on to take care of you, is you. Be your own best friend!
Dear Miss U,
Me and my boyfriend have been together for around 2 months now and we are made for each other. We live about a 2 and a half hour train journey apart which has been okay throughout summer however now school is starting again soon, we are going to go longer without seeing each other, down to the fact my boyfriend goes to boarding school. When we are together we have the best time in the world and we couldn't be happier, although we know nether of us are going anywhere, saying goodbye is getting harder and harder. Despite the fact we are both fully aware we will see each other soon. We are just struggling with finding a way to be happy the day we say goodbye and in the following days after. If you could give us any advice to make this transition easier, as it shouldn't be filled with sorrow but it should be a happy time because we enjoy every moment we are lucky to have together. Any words on how we can deal with this or approach it would be really appreciated.
Miss Dam
Dear Miss Dam,
It all comes down to attitude. When you start having negative thoughts, deliberately counter with a positive one. Example:
"I'm going to miss him so much!"
"But that's ok, because I'm lucky to have someone worth missing."
Or
"I won't see him for his birthday"
"But that's ok, it's a great opportunity to pull of that cool surprise I read about on Tumblr!"
Once you accept that this is how your relationship is and you start putting that excess energy towards making your LDR the best damn LDR ever, you don't really have time to feel sorry for yourself. Yes, you'll still get lonely. But you'll know he's lonely and thinking about you too, and it will all be worth it in the end.
Trust me, I know!
Good luck.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 1.5 yrs. We live 4.5 hrs away and it's been amazing the whole time. We see each other every two weeks. Sure we've had our ups and downs, but recently we ended things due to how hard it is to say goodbye. He suffers from severe depression and anxiety and when we have to part he gets SO upset. We want to be together because, well, when you know you know. We know what we have is truly something that people search for and never find. The way he feels, the pain and sadness he feels when I leave is what is holding him back from being together. We both come from horrible upbringing and past relationships and just get each other ya know. I've never had someone so amazing. And he's never had someone who's loved him like I do. Please PLEASE help me find ways to assure him we can do this. I'm desperate and I thank you so much for your time!!
Rocky.
Dear Rocky,
It hurts him to be away from you, so he never wants to see you again. It hurts to say goodbye, so he never wants to experience the joy of being reunited. I must admit this mindset has never been one I understand; particularly not when many long distance couples have to wait months to see each other, or only see each other once a year. I'm not saying that makes his feelings less valid, of course it doesn't, but realistically there's no reason you can't tough it out until you can be together – especially if you make closing the distance your highest priority. If you KNOW this is it, then don't wait longer than you must. I know conventional wisdom speaks against it, but it is alright to put your relationship ahead of your study or career if that is what is best for you.
Beyond that, depression and anxiety are medical issues that need to be addressed by trained medical personnel. There are lots of ways to manage these conditions, but none of them involve ignoring them until they go away; because they won't just go away. Also note that being together won't fix them. Love is not a magical drug that will cure mental illness any more than it cures heart disease. Encourage him to get help if he isn't already and then likely the distance won't feel so overwhelming because he'll be approaching it from a more stable platform.
Forever is a long time to wonder "what if?" Much longer than the duration of most long distance relationships, I hope you can help him to see that.
Sincerely,
Miss U.
