I have been in a LDR with my lovely girlfriend for almost 2 years now. We started as friends and grew feelings for each other over time, I knew from the start she was born mute and that never made me look at her differently. We have our Ups and downs dealing with distance of course. I've asked about sending packages\letters\flowers ect and her response was money being an issue (which of course I understand) and also her being in a housing program (section 8) would be difficult in some way. She has also never mentioned seeing each other, but says "soon" when its talked about. We also have never Skyped which I've tried to avoid talking about since I know she can't speak I don't want her to feel uncomfortable with having to just stare at a screen, I have seen a couple of pictures she has sent though. Am I crazy to keep this going with as little as just texting for this long? Or am I treating this too carefully as if she's made of glass?..
Mernay
Dear Mernay,
If you were in the same room as each other, how would you communicate? Does she use sign language, writing things down, a combination of the two? Because that's how you would communicate over Skype. All video calling does is provide a window into each other's world, and thus it helps to imagine away the technology. Don't focus on the video-calling aspect, focus instead on being as together as you can. Does that make sense?
There is no reason she can't Skype with you and type her responses. If she uses sign language, there's no reason she can't help you learn it too – just as those couples who speak different native languages tend to do. You could even both agree not to speak, mute your microphones and just see each other. Sometimes it's nice to look up from what you're doing and catch the eye of the person you love. Remember that she might like to hear your voice. She might like to see your face. These things could outweigh the discomfort that may come from not being able to speak.
There's nothing wrong with taking a relationship slowly, nothing wrong with having text at the foundation of your relationship in the beginning, but things that don't grow and progress tend to die. You need to give your relationship a future. Goals. Inject new life by doing new things together; in the short term that might be Skyping, in the long term it might be taking an African safari.
Lastly, but most importantly, remember she is a person with a unique situation; she is not her disability. Treat her with consideration, yes. But don't tip-toe around like you're afraid of her. If there's something about her condition you don't understand, ask! If you don't know how she'd feel about something, ask! Communication and honesty are the keys to success.
Dear Miss U,
Me and an boyfriend have only met online and live in two different countries, I in the US and him in the Bahamas. It's been hard for him to save money to come to my country due to having to support his family when they are in need. It's also been hard for me to get a job while studying in college for 4-5 years. Now I have graduated this year in May and I believe it's the perfect timing to give a break of this distance. I'm planning to obtain a seasonal job.
The only person I've told is my mother and a few cousins whom are pretty understanding about it. Other than them, I don't want to tell the others such as my grandmother and aunt because I already know they don't believe in long distant relationships. They would believe I'm setting myself up for a disaster with a mystery person, think that all he wants is a green card, and that it's not worth it. They would also be upset at my decision at going to his country. This causes me to lose hope.
Next is, I want a seasonal job and my aunt does not understand why since I just graduated. She believes I should just work what I've studied for. I could but I think seasonal would be better so I can make time to go away and meet my boyfriend next year in June or July for a week. Does this make any sense? I'm worried about getting enough vacation time if I start working full time at a job (as a vet assistant) I should be committed to.
Rainy
Dear Rainy,
The good news is your life is truly no one's business but yours. You are the person who has to live with the consequences of your decisions, and no one else. You alone will carry your own regrets, and I'm a big believer that it's better to regret something you did do than to wonder what could have been if you'd just had the courage to try that potentially regrettable thing.
From your letter, I really think you have a sound plan. I too think it would look bad if you got a career job and then left it to see your boyfriend. It does sound like meeting in person needs to be your highest priority for a little while. Perhaps you can get a seasonal job in a field somehow related to your career so that the gap between finishing school and starting as a vet assistant won't raise so many eyebrows from people looking at your resume? Another option is to apply for vet assistant positions and if you make the interview be honest about your plans to take time off. Try, "I would love to work for you, but I need to be honest too. In about six months I'll need a week off for travel. If that's not going to be ok let me know and I'll reapply for this position once I return." I wouldn't recommend telling them you have a boyfriend you've never met, just because people are prejudiced. If you're questioned I'd go with "I'm a bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding, but I don't know the date yet" I know lying is wrong, but people have an unnatural respect for weddings.
Overall, you just need to believe in yourself a bit more. Do what is right for you. This is your life. You are an adult. You don't need their approval, even though it would be really nice to have.
Sincerely,
Miss U.
