it's less than 3 weeks away for me to move back to my hometown where my bf lives. we're finally closing the distance. even though most people would consider that a good thing, i've come to realize that i need to close this chapter altogether...

if you wanna know why and what happened, then you can keep on reading..

since the beginning of my relationship with him, i loved him very much. no doubt he was the only guy who has ever had my heart. however, it took him a long while for him to love me back.

he loves his friend's baby, because he was there for her from the day she was born. the baby's dad was not owning up to his responsibilities so my bf, being the kind person that he is, helped out his friend by babysitting and taking her places pretty much every week.

this is all fine and all. but when it was a close distance relationship, i would have plans for us every single weekend. on the day of, his friend and her baby would just randomly show up. he's not going to say "no you cant come here" because that would be mean. but it wasn't exactly fair to me either. i didn't know what to do or say. but i definitely felt like the outsider every single time they were around.

since our relationship has been long distance, there is absolutely nothing i can do to be there for him. physically. all i can do is sit here and watch the three of them have the time of their lives. i understand thats his friend and he loves her baby, but i personally do not think it's ok when it gets to the point that he's being called the "second dad" by her family. he honestly doesn't mind the title and told me that he hopes he can be a father figure to her while she grows up.

i love my bf. i respect his feelings. but knowing that i was going to move back, i have been scared that i will be just the outsider every single weekend all over again. i dont know if i can deal with that anymore. especially after this being an LDR because i've missed him terribly every single day.

so about a month ago, i talked to the baby momma. because i felt like my bf just didnt understand from a girl's point of view why it is the way that i feel. i talked to her in the most respectful manner and she completely understood me and promised me that things will be different. she told me that she doesn't want him to be her daughter's father figure. she now has a new bf and is hoping he can step up and be there for her baby.

when i spoke with him, i told him that i wasnt trying to be mean and i love the fact that he cares for her. because that also means that when he becomes a dad, he's going to love his kids like crazy. all i told him was that i basically feel like i always have to compete for his attention with his friend's baby.

afterwards i kinda felt like the evil stepmom... which by the way i have a really evil stepmom so that is something i really dont wanna be..

he got mad because he thought i was trying to say dont ever see her again or something. but i wasnt. if she has little bday parties and other stuff like that, then i would totally go with him to those things. ive grown quite fond of the baby as well.

he finally came to a conclusion that he understood and that things will be different when i move back.

after that, i believed him. i began to let myself be happy and not worry so much. alot of people could see that i was more positive and i talked about my bf to my friends all the time.

my bf went off to camp this past friday and will be there for a week. he is a camp supervisor. he cant really text until night time when hes free before he goes to sleep. well the first night he was there he was out with his friends til 4am. we didnt get to text at all because he was too busy. even though he kept telling me he was going to bed soon. honestly idc so much about this but it just shows that sometimes he just says somethings so he doesnt look like the bad person but his actions will always show u the truth.

the second day he texted me a couple times. it was nice and it made me smile. however he didnt say anything nice like i miss you or i love you... i just left it alone because he doesnt like it when i tell him to tell me he loves me or to say nice things to me...

then the third day (yesterday) it was also nice. i like to keep him updated of stuff going on in my day even tho he doesnt text me back. i got online (my facebook) and wrote a cute lil status for him and tagged him. i knew that he wouldnt be able to see it for awhile. honestly probably not til after camp was over.

this morning, i see ony facebook news feed that he liked several pictures of his friend's baby that i was telling you about. and didn't like or comment on my status for him.

he tends to not notice anything i put online...and he tells me that its because he doesnt wanna look like the stalker boyfriend or something. but i wish he would be like that. because i love him. i want him to be head over heels for me. i realize now that i simply dont exist online to him. even when i tag him or put "@ju i miss you!" on twitter and he never notices or says anything back even though i can see him on there liking more pics of his friends baby...

honestly, it would all be ok in my heart if he liked her pics but also liked mine. if he would notice me online. anything i put, especialyl things that are regarding him. i would be ok with that because i atleast exist to him.

but this is too hard. i keep thinking he's gonna change but he's not going to.

one huge thing i have always struggled with, is him never saying anything when im talking to him, opening up my feelings or talking about something serious. when i ask him what does he think or for his opinion, he either just ignores me or says idk.

i saw a quote yesterday.. it said "saying IDK when youre too lazy to care"
seeing this quote instantly reminded me of my bf....and how many times he always says idk.... and then i linked it all together.

this dude does not care about me. maybe he does, but he sure does love that baby way more. who am i to try to get between a guy and a baby that he loves? i dont wanna be put into that position. of course, i want a guy to put me first. make me feel special.

my bf may not be the worst guy in the world, but id be lieing if i said i was happy to be with him. i dont wanna be one of those weak girls waiting for her man to change. waiting for the day that he will truly love me back and shout it to the world. to notice my every move and love me even more as time goes on.

i know my worth and i know i deserve a guy to actually want to pretend i exist everywhere he goes. im a smart, beautiful, kind, funny, confident, strong woman. I've been through A LOT in my life. i may not be as blessed as others from birth, but i can certainly control who im with and who im not with.

Ive been waiting. Ive been hoping. But my love has been taken advantage of. And my heart's been hurt numerous times. This is why I will break up with him the day after I move back to my hometown. Closing the distance, and closing the relationship.

New chapter will start soon. Thanks for being there for me Loving From A Distance. Truly awesome website.
Peace
<3 Bec