I don't know why, for some reason that last week I have felt so strange. It started out some week ago, with my husband being super convinced that I was pregnant. Turned out I am not, and I refused to take more tests to "prove" it. Or perhaps it started because we keep bidding for appartments and loosing, which is making me feel poor and stupid, like I am on some perpetual date where I get dumped because of my money. Or perhaps the stress of looking throgh our stuff and packing everything away, preparing to sell the flt once we have have bought a bigger one. I couldn't afford or have the time to go visit my MIL with SO, so he went alone. Knowing SO - or some of us - has to stay in a hotel a month, I did not know how to deal with that when SO started questioning why....

Anyway, it was around that time where I started to feel so surreal and weird. It is funny to look at old pics of me and SO, I think we look young, like children, even if they are like one year old. Perhaps I remember how I felt - hopeful, not knowing what would happen but trusting, all these emotions. Now things are different. He is my family. He is my husband's family.

It is hard waiting for him. When I see him the 10th, I will have waited about 9 weeks since last. While that is not a whole not, it feels strange because we have gotten used to seeing each other after 3 weeks time! We have been very lucky... Now I am at home, paying bills. Turkey seems far away. Still I got very upset about this blogger I saw, where it was written about a Turkish holiday boyfriend. Sometimes it is hard to explain why things are offensive, but I just think the subtle offenses are the worst of them all. I may have been too hard on her. I probably was. I guess I was angry that I couldn't go and she seemed to me like she doesn't understand or care properly. I guess the difference between us was, the strange interests me, while it scared her. That is why she couldn't really write about it convincingly.

I came to realize, I should not be envious about SOs ex girlfriend, because she meant nothing to him. Then, I came to realize, she meant NOTHING to him - and I felt very bad about it. I have been seriously in love with 21 people in my life, at times more than one at a time, and smitten with more. People have fallen in love with me, especially since I hit puberty, sometimes it was mutual, I am on my 2nd marriage. How about him: His "heart was closed" and he was "cold". No wonder he has been bored all his life! Being in love has forever been my drug, to have fun and to inspire me. I have done my best studies sitting reading, being filled with love. I have done my best writing sitting in my then gs flat. I have gotten over heart ace by working, I have cried in our workplace toilet, I have had silly outdoor celebration sex the day our crown prince got married because that was so romantic, I have had sex in the childhood bedrooms of people I have loved. What did he do? Had just meaningless standard ONS sex with someone he can't remember the names of, or that woman I will forever stop being jealous of because he felt a warmth for her but it was not love. It is so strange, because when he is so grey-aromantic, demiromantic perhaps, it is like I become so responsible for his happiness. He has often been so shocked about loving me, and I used to think it was because it was his first proper relationship, or perhaps the first real reciprocitation, but I think it took me this long to realize it was also his first FEELINGS.

And I don't know... I became very overwelmed by the idea that I should be everything. That I should try to, not only be his gf and treat him good, but somehow drip into all of his past and take away the boring feeling, the feeling of not being anchored, to sort of give him a past. I feel as though there is something wrong with him, a lack, and he speaks in part of it like that. At other times, he is like happy he didn't have to worry about other people because it just seemed like a hassle, and I get a little scared when he talks like that. Even at 8 years old I was bringing homemade cakes to shool to the boys I were in love with. Thinking of it as hassle is just weird to me, it is something you do out of joy!

My husband claims that I think too much. He says everything will work out because SO loves me, no matter what he did before. It is strange to write any of this, I mean tears are welling up my eyes just thinking about it. I don't know why I feel so strongly about this. It is just I feel that we are different in more fundamental ways than I imagined. My husband's comment; "So what?"

Some of our plans for the visit are:
- SO and my husband will rotate living in the hotel that we booked, and I will stay in the flat all the time
- We will visit the baby of SOs best male friend. Sadly he is leaving before SO comes.
- We will meet SOs best female friend, we wil either go to the capital or we will go there
- We will take lots of pics of the three of us
- Rent a car and go visit places
- Go on boat trip
- Visit our cabin (opening it for the summer)
- Celebrate Valentines (I am thinking about having a double date) and his birthday

I am half finished making him a welcome basket....and I plan to write a book with lots of things we can do. I have to get the weird thoughts out of my head. I love him. I know he loves me. It is just a long wait.