I came back from Turkey a day ago. I had fun alone at work today redecorating my boss's office, giving her better office space and a proper meeting table.
It felt good. I matter. On Monay I can't wait to see her face (especially provided I can write the lecture tomorrow).

I am more interested in work than in my Turkish relationship these days. For once, it is more furfilling. Work is happy with me. Work thinks I am doing great. They pay me. They give me a reason to get up in the morning, and on most days my sense of meaning and sense of self is not challenged, and often I enjoy whatever I am doing. Sometimes my bigger bosses are stupid, but in very predictable ways (they will also be happy about the tables).

I am not saying I did not enjoy Turkey. I did. I do. I will go back. There are just some things.

Our new kitten is so cute, although she is still hanging in and eating the curtains. Our flat is a big gigantic cat toy. We also got her toys - SO bought her a bouncing ball and I made long cat toys from old torn fabric. She loves to be petted in the back, and when she sees me she rolles on her back in a do me-pose, and she purrs in my lap. I take great pleasure in seeing how well fed she is. SO makes her jump. We make up stories about what she says.

He is still sexy. He still touches my heart. I long to see his family again, especially his mum and his sweet newlywed cousin. I am taking my husband to see him in 2 weeks. There is no doubt in my mind that I want to continue this.

At the same time I am starking, raving mad at him. Let me start with the beginning....

My visit was only 5-6 days instead of the usual 7-8 - and while I usually have easy travels with direct flights or just one flight change, I had to travel with Turkish Airlines and change to a third plane in Ataturk Istanbul airport. I was a bit tired to begin with because I had been very sick prior to travelling. Most times I travel only with hand luggage. This time I travelled with sent luggage because it was included and I wanted to bring things for the refugees (and books when I returned). When I landed in the local airport, I found out that Turkish airlines had smashed my pretty pink suitcase. For some reason - and with little byrocracy - they handed me a brand new, black suitcase! But it still took time to fix it, and for some reason the connection between mine and SO's phone was not working properly. when I came to him I was drained, but still happy to see him.

The place was dirty, and he had failed to mention to me that his mate that lost his house was still staying there - or his stuff, anyway. There was food and drinks in the kitchen, though, and I was happy to clean the place and go to his restaurant to study. I met againt this woman married to one of his collegagues - our stories are so similar that they are a bit scary. We were complaining about season and post-season together. I bought a small gift for his colleague which he liked. We went to see his friend and give him the diapers I buy for him, he was really thankful and was like I could come see his baby girl, even take her to the beach...really cute. I delivered diapers and clothes for the Syrian refugees. I had a really good time with my studies, a breakthrough even. Of course I never get to be with SO in the daylight,but we did go for a stroll along the stone beach, eating dundurma (Turkish ice cream) sitting on the city park bench with him holding his arms around me.

Our aniversery was coming up. I had suggested we spent the night at a hotel in the next town on Sunday since I was leaving Wednesday. He had warned me that he "had some other ideas", so I was half looking forward to his surprise. It turned out, among other things, that he had tried to get his boss to give him a whole day off during my stay, but his boss had turned this suggestion down. Right before he was about to leave work, something happened. At first, he told me to come because we were going. I don't perticullary like the way he asks/commands me, but usually I don't say anything because I know he is stressed. As usual, once I had collected my things, he was off again. I found my new LDR Sister in arms-friend and chatted a bit with her and actually had a great time. And then SO came back, he was like "Come. we'll go NOW!" Since he is impatient E V E R Y day I did not pay so much attention to it. I also, as many times before, found it completely absurd that he was stressing the urgency when I had been ready the first time he asked me. I told him, let me say goodbye to my friend first! We hugged and it was really nice, I felt like I had found a friend. THEN, as we were heading to go, his boss came and sort of hijacked SO as he was heading to leave. I took both our bicycles and followed a path away from where they were standing, but in view of SO. A fiew meters away I could see and hear the boss yelling at him and his meek replies to whatever injustice or neglect the boss thought he was resonsible for. I was very uncomfortable - but then again his boss is an ass, and as dramatic as any Turkish boss, so I was just waiting it out. When SO came, I was doing something on my phone to pass the time - I did not dear go back to my friend - I handed him one of the bikes and he was like: Let's GO!" I was like: "I am waiting for you with your bike. I just listed to your boss telling you off. You don't have to TELL me we are leaving!"

And I just snapped. I felt like I could have held the anger in, but I just didn't want to. It was so typical of him to not talk back to his boss, and instead pour out all that stamed up anger at me. I had a taste of it earlier in the summer, when the boss blame him for that stupid thing which was not even a thing, and he became super bitchy. Now he was just talking to me in that VOICE, like I was his employee and he was displeased with me, and I was just like..... NO. You are NOT talking to me like that!

That was really the beginning of a 2 day fight/crazy shit days.

We got home, I poured my heart out - telling him how unfair it was to take things out on me, telling him this summer has been harder than last year and he said September would be better for us but it is not, and our aniversery coming up and nothing planned (he did try to plan, in his way. And we will probably celebrate in October), how I use so much time and money to see him, and how ong it is has been since he gave me compliments - he never writes me anything and isn't that big on flowers, what he is good at, is practical action (he fucks and feeds me), and spontanious gestures and talkes, which used to include him telling me how beatuful I am, and how I touch his heart, and really dramatic, lovely things that I loove to hear. I talked and raged and cried. I told him (as my friend had told her husband) that I felt like it didn't really matter to him if I was there or not. That he was a perfect working maschine, but that I wanted someone who could actually engage with me. I was really hard on him. But I did not think I was being unfair.

I have never seen him cry before. He thinks I cry very easily (or at least like a girl. which I guess I do), and says that he cried when his dad died, and his sister died. And his best friend claims SO cried a little before he had to go to military, leaving SO behind. But there SO was, crying big, fat tears streaming down his face. He kept saying something like "How could you eve think that"...and he just went silent, like he does when he is ovewealmed. We hugged and it felt very reassuring.

We had decided to have a quiet evening at home. I had brought champagne. He had ordered take away from our favourite sea food restaurant. Before we got to any of that, SO was drinking. Too much. Or perhaps he was so stressed that he got drunk soon. He seemed very dizzy and managed to break a whiskey bottle and I had to remove pieces of glass and almost one litre of whiskey from our living room floor. I cleaned while he was asleep. I had not understood that he was getting drunk, so I wondered if he was sick, since that sometimes can make people behave drunk. When the food came, we had a nice dinner, but again he fell asleep. I finished the champagne bottle by myself, which felt kind of sad. It was towards the end of season, so it had - very symbolically- started to rain and thunder, and it blew up a storm that for some reason affected just SO's workplace. When I went to bed, SO was asleep but spinning in the bed, flailing at me with his arm, kicking me with his thigh and so on. It took some time before he was calm enough for me to stay in the same bed. Even so, it thundered so much it actually woke me up (which never happens) and the cat came to eat on our bed before she calmed down.

The next morning, SO had to go to work early to fix the chaos at work. I was supposed to follow him, but there were several outbursts of heavy rain and thunder. I also had some stuff of my own to do, and some shopping. So I did not get to his job until late. When I came there, he was already gone - O gitti his coworkers told me. I had a quick chat and hug with my new friend - I could not reach SO, neigther with my nor her phone. When I came to the house he was like: I tried to call you. Of course I had not gotten any calls. We had tried to text each other, it did not work (when I am in Norway, we are connected on Viber, which seems to not be connected with this problem of ours. But I don't always have internet connection in Turkey). I convinced him to go see his friends and eat at their restaurant. We did go out, even with the rain. I needed a change of scene. So many of his friends were there, and it was really nice, even SO seemed to light up and were making jokes. The guy who is smitten with me was also there (he works there), and he was always touching my stuff, talking to me in a half flirtatious matter - even SO was like: are you still on about that stuff that happened? SO thinks he is childish. I do too, but SO doesn't fully get it. He may be a little immature but that is not the whole reason why he acts this way. I knowwhat it is like to hold on to something, and I care about him. So it annoys me that SO can't see it like I see it (but how can he? He has neve been in love with anyone else before me, or had someone fall in love with him, or if they did he did not care)

Then we went to have dessert in our favourite place. When we go there late in the evening, we get a table almost all to ourselves. Even if it was raining, the place was still nice, the desserts good. Just SO was weird. Before the trip, he promised me that we would take a "whole evening" to talk about our plans for the future. Which we did, but with little enthusiasm on his side. He told me his plans that his buddy might rent the flat either alone, or together with him - what was totally news to me, and since our lease is over in less than 2 months, I think he was a bit late to tell me. and he did not even ask if I was fine with some guy I barely know sharing our home (I am half Turkish now, so I am actually fine with him living there in whatever fashion, but I am still Norwegian enough to think he should have symolically asked). Then we don't have to move out our stuff to storage, and if he stays by himself he can feed our cat. SO wants to go to the nearby city to work there while he studies, perhaps lives with some friends of his there. Again, ok (although sad we will not see his family for New Year. Perhaps the start of February). But why should I have to drag information out from him? Even in the little Skype time we had, I asked to be kept informed - and now we have a "talk it over"evening like he asked, on my last full day there, and still he seems annoyed or disinterested in talking to me?

When I talked about which days I potentionally can go in December (After my Norwegian inlaws have celebrated Christmas with us, I have a week of holiday which includes New Year and my birthday), he seeemed so indifferent that I snapped for the 2nd time. I felt he was acting impossible, not taking seriously what I said that tickets around Christmas and New Year go soon. Not taking into account that if we are going to apply for visitor visa, both of us need to prepare a hell of a lot of paper work and do it in time for the visit (which will be about mid February) - or if he is going to work for my friend, he needs to talk to her and start preparing the work visa (in my country, the employee has to apply). It was like trying to talk to a wall. It was not so much that information did not get across as that he was not really connecting to me - emotionally. I actually started to feel an old, familiar feeling, that Oh, doesn't he want me in his future then-feeling. It scared the hell out of me. So I started to tell him...A repetition of the day before, I guess. With him being quiet, seemingly ignoring me, which annoyed me a lot, so I kept talking until I could see that he was listening even if he was not replying. When we came home, I could see that he had come out of "robot mode" and he wanted to hold me all the time. I could see that he was hurting too - he is an adult, and he needs to take what is coming. I know I was not being mean on purpose. But he was hurting me. He needed to hear that and be aware of that. For me to continue to be in this relationship, he needs to stop hurting me.

So, we made up. I could feel he was connecting a little more. Next morning, we had delicious menimen for breakfast.The cat ate Menimen, too, and played happy healthy around and made us laugh. We said our goodbyes. I had a tireing journey home, one taxi,three planes, two buses. While I was travelling, Turkey were preparing for Kurban Bayram (the small Eid/Sacrifice Holiday).

SO says perhaps in November, the season is over and I come, we can have a little holiay, travel and so on. Can that really happen?I keep getting annoyed at SO. All those tiny things that matter less when you get along, and are funny and amusing when you are in the honeymoon phase, they have a way of becoming important.

I don't know what to do. I want to be hopeful. I want to hope, and I want to do something. So, despite having given SO the contacts to my friend, I contacted her myself and told her about the plan. She seems ok with it...I will try to set up a Skype meeting in 2-3 weeks time, when I am in Turkey. I guess I feel like if he came here - to stay, to work - our relationship would be a bit more balanced. I would not wait for him anymore. He would pay more of the bills. He would actually get time off. Perhaps he would like his job. We could be together in the daytime.