I had the strangest weekend. Paris was attacked (so was other cities), a terrorist arrested in my country, I got scared and felt like the whole world was under attack. I was feeling very vounerable, and husband and I were visiting my husband's brother which at best I can interact with superficially. I had nightmares and bad visions. I am in the middle of changing jobs. My husband was there, being supportive most of the time, but I missed SO. I was thinking a lot on marriage and the fact that I can only be married to one of them. I felt very strongly that if this doesn't work out, I don't want to explore poly anymore, just be married to my husband. I know my husband has felt very hurt by boyfriend's behaviour, too, and I felt bad about that. I was like.... Do I want this? Can we work it out? Does he really love me? Can he take care of me? Can he say fuck you to his family and friends if they are like...you should not date - or marry - a woman already married. Will he take steps for me? Am I too patient, should I leave him? Am I too restless, should I wait for him to take a grip?

But it is like... I picture leaving my husband, and I can't. I picture leaving or being left by my boyfriend (SO), and literally tears stream down my face. And I....think my obvious vounerbility speaks to him. Because I can say what I mean without hints, even when I feel like things fall apart. Because I am not asking him to fix me, or change our situation, or save me. I just ask of him that he is present, and responding to what I am to him. He loves me, I can see that. He is almost his old, impulsive self, the SO I fell in love with. He is proud of what he does, him fixing things, talking about small presents he will get me. When we Skype, I feel like I am in the room with him, and we are really close now, like we were before the season started. And I wrote this, directed at him:

love.jpg

THANK YOU. This is the longest Skype we had since forever. It was great talking to you again. You were so cute when you stretched your arms wide to show me how much you missed me. It was so fun to flirt with you and laugh with you, and you talking about your (realistic) plan to spoil me. Even the Skype sex felt so close. I feel so comforted and loved by you. I realize that I have not understood everything about you, and now I get you more. I think ever since that fight I have been able to be freer with you, and you have also changed. I am still scared shitless about the future. But we are together and I feel your love. THANK YOU.