I haven't posted since ID Quest? Yeesh.

Yeah I'm still on the quest, cause we had to wait till April to do Lease stuff. It's the end of the dang month, but we're finally doing that on Monday. This whole month has been slowly killing me inside I swear.
I'm not even excited, even though I keep saying I am. It's more like getting a mole removed. It's good, and progress, but it should have already been over with and I shouldn't have to deal with it, so it's just another thing to do.

School's going...it's...it's going.
I still enjoy it, but holy damn has it been a weird dramabomb of I dunno. They MOSTLY replaced the instructor I liked who is having some serious health problems, but they couldn't for these two classes we were supposed to have this week, so I had the weird day known as Monday (Uuuuugh, Monday, apparently I was long overdue for a meltdown and some more complete self-sabotage.) and then nothing. I haven't even really been back even though since mom works there I chill there anyway.
They were ready to let me work on the general public in clinic but I worried and got overwhelmed so I couldn't, and now I hate myself for it cause I actually DO want to do that, but don't feel like I should be allowed to, since I still haven't done an interview to my standards, despite everyone thinking I'm fine.
I also got overwhelmed cause mom gets WAY heavy handed on the "helping" when she's proud of me. Like those rich moms on TV who lick their kid's face and straightens all their clothing and double checks what they did. She didn't realize until later half of my screaming was because she was forcibly brushing my hair (We've been OVER THIS) and spraying hairspray everywhere when I was trying to drink coffee (So the coffee was ruined), and because she thought offering me that coffee was how she woke me up, which is nice, but before that was actually "HEY KAY REMEMBER YOU HAVE THOSE QUIZZES AND CLASS TODAY AND A GENERAL PUBLIC CLIENT AND LIFE HATES YOU" (Okay it was just quizzes, but this is how my morning brain processes stuff)
We finally had to clarify that I wasn't trying to be an asshole when the first thing I said was the most annoyed "WHAT!?" ever after the fourth "HEY KAY!" in like 10 minutes. I'm up putting my clothes on, stop waking me! (She was upset because THAT TIME was the friendly coffee offering)

We finally had a talk (After a whole day of crying, cancelling everything, and seeming high in class cause post-meltdowns are weird) and we figured out the root of all of it was firstly don't wake me up with stressful things and then expect me to fart rainbows, and the second thing (Main issue) was I always get told off for not knowing how to ask for help, and I'm tired of being "offered" it when I don't want it. I even told her, whenever she goes to check the room I set up, and ASKS IF I WANT HELP, when I say no, if you do it anyway, you're being terrible. I know I know, but what she sees as "Mom wanting to help and make sure I'm doing my best" comes off to my dysfunctional brain as "Well obviously she doesn't believe I can do it good enough on my own since she's REDOING IT ANYWAY"
We even talked about how that's why I didn't ever clean things till my 20s. I kept being told I didn't do it well enough, and everyone would redo it while complaining anyway, so then it felt like "Well, why clean when it's not good enough. They'll just all do it anyway"
I will never stop feeling like I'm just annoying everyone until ALL our habits change, and yes, that includes me actually asking for help (I'm getting better) and trying to actually be proud of things I accomplish instead of feeling like someone else did them for me.
I honestly don't know if they're even disappointed that I said I didn't want to do the general public yet even though I WANT to but mentally can't, but I do know that I'm so horribly disappointed I got in another funk and am only eating like one thing per day and got lazy so my face is a wasteland with zits again.
They're getting rather common lately, but I still hate meds, but I miss my old therapist. If we can just get ID Quest on the road, I'd get some dang medicaid and try to find anyone who wants to give me professional advice.

I also realize I need more local friends. Our old family friends moved back down so I've had some good human interaction, but hanging with parents or old people is kinda wasting what's left of my youth. Whenever I talk to my sister (AND SHE'S EVEN A PARENT) or my Long Distance Friends, I love that we can just be stupid for a while. I miss being able to be stupid in person and hang out at each other's houses and borrow each other's games and drive around being young and go to Denny's at 2:30 in the morning just to get coffees, a few pancakes, and talk about absolutely nothing important until it gets existential.
I haven't felt like that in a long time, and all my friends I used to do that with are so far, and found more, awesome friends to do that with.

Anyway, Tam quit Subway because working at the worst Subway in your city, dealing with actual screaming crack addicts all day, and having your manager not even find a way to pretend to care about anything is draining. It was actually wrecking the absolute shit out of our relationship too, which we needed this month :/ Tam was also depressed so she was basically as fun as dating a brick wall, and we finally had to argue about it. I can only give so much before I try to detach, and I was scared cause it was getting there. She was being weird and quiet and always talked about shit I couldn't care about. I mean I care about her life, but I can only deal with hearing nothing but "I bought this album you should listen to it" for the fifth consecutive day in a row all while our conversations are just about what we're doing with no investment before I get angry, so I did. I told her that absolutely none of this was enjoyable for me anymore except for "the brief moments of cuteness like we used to be" and she was like "Shit you're right". We had gone from watching shows every Tuesday and actually chatting to
"Nah I was gonna go to bed" and playing games with our friends on our days off instead of hanging out, and Tam gets really terrible when she's depressed, I mean I do too, but she just gets so damn ANGRY when she's depressed, and shuts down into a 12 year old Call of Duty kid, doing nothing but screaming shitposts and memes even when you try to have a conversation, and then screaming angrily about everything.
So that's what we were arguing about, and not gonna lie all my friends got involved as they do whenever they were in a game with us when we start arguing, but I don't care cause they actually care instead of how they used to be like "Wtf stop that"

Anyway Tam got a new job at a casino and she's enjoying it and generally being way more pleasant, but now I'm the one who sucks because I had this week and because Tam LEGALLY can't text me during work and doesn't have Tuesday off anymore which throws a wrench into ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. That and everyone else has wrenches being thrown into their stuff with me too, and it's becoming hell.

It's been so ridiculous and rocky that me and my classmates haven't even let it sink in that one dropped out yet, and our class was already small. This coming week is gonna have it hit us. Joy.