I've been focusing on myself a lot more, and doing more things that make me happy. I am the type of person that likes to make other people happy, which sometimes makes me forget that I need to do things for myself, too. It's made me feel a lot better
For example, I just got back from a trip to Las Vegas earlier today. It was a short trip-one day- and pretty spontaneous. I was invited by a male friend of mine a week ago, and felt conflicted at the time. I wasn't sure how appropriate it would be to go with him, just the two of us alone. I was worried about what other people would think, and if I would be upsetting anyone. Then I thought to myself, "Who cares! I rarely ever do anything for myself. I'm gonna go and have a great time!" I had an amazing trip of a lifetime, and I don't think anyone cared that I went with a guy friend, either 
Now for the more negative stuff:
I booked a trip to visit my SO on March 28th. I'll be there for 2 weeks, which will be our shortest visit yet. I am a little excited, but honestly, I'm mostly nervous and worried. There is a part of me that is really not looking forward to going, and is dreading the future. I love him very much, and always will, but I don't know if I'm in love with him anymore
I've thought back on our past 4 years together, all the good and the bad. We've had amazing times together, definitely. He opened my eyes to a new world, and helped me become a more independent person, which I'll forever be grateful for. However, as much as I wish I could, I can't drown out the bad times. I can't help but feel that whatever I do, it'll never be good enough for him. He's SO picky and particular about the way I do things- it's exhausting after awhile. It's also heartbreaking for me because this has been a recurring theme in my past relationships, too. I feel like no guy I've been with ever accepted me for who I really am. They always wanted to 'change' me in one way or another. It's saddening and a blow to my self-esteem
Maybe I shouldn't have said anything, but I told my feelings to my friend who I went to Vegas with. He gave me some pretty harsh advice, but deep down, I agree with it, even if I don't want to admit it to myself. He told me that the guys I've been with in the past (and current SO included), don't deserve to be in a relationship with me. I should be with someone who loves me for who I am, flaws and all. That even on my worst days, someone who still thinks I'm beautiful on the inside. (At this point, I was wondering whether or not said friend was talking about himself, but I wasn't even going to ask lol). I came to a realization that he's right- I've never really felt like that in any of my relationships. I know I'm far from perfect, and I don't expect anyone to think I'm perfect. But, to quote J.K. Simmons from the movie 'Juno': "The right person is still going to think that the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with". I know my SO loves me, but I don't think he fully accepts me for who I am
This upcoming visit is going to be really tough, I can already tell. My SO is going through a pretty hard time right now- he recently lost his grandfather to cancer, he's dealing with some minor health issues, and he's worried about his career future. I want to be there for him and support him the best I can, but it's hard when I feel conflicted like this. I just try to remind myself that whatever happens is for the best, and that no matter what, my life will go on and will continue to be amazing.
Anyways, this blog probably didn't sound too positive lol, but I do feel a lot better than the last time I wrote one. Thanks for reading.. you guys are the best
Like my former SO.