Hello lovelies
I haven't been on the forum in about 2 weeks, which is a long time for me! I'm not sure if anyone even cares to read this, but I thought it would be therapeutic for me to let my feelings out.

Last week was without a doubt the most heart wrenching, draining, and depressing week of my life. It was basically all my fault, though, so I really have no one to blame except myself. I must backup, first, and confess something about my ex SO. After our last meetup last spring, we had agreed to stay in contact. I still cared about him a lot and wanted him in my life. So, we continued to stay in touch and all was well until mid summer, when he suggested that we meet up again. He wanted more closure and wanted to see me one last time. I didn't particularly want to see him again, but I agreed because I felt I owed it to him, in a way. Now, this is where things get bad on my end..

Over the rest of the year, I basically strung my ex along as to when we would see each other. We would plan a time, but I would constantly come up with bad, BS excuses as to why we couldn't see each other. Looking back, I feel like such a fool for not saying that I just didn't want to see him again. Even though he said it was for closure, a part of me also knew he wanted to try to work things out with me again. I didn't want to hurt him, because I still cared about him, and I also have issues with avoiding conflict. Also, to make things worse, I didn't tell him when I started dating my current SO. He knew the guy was my friend from Chicago, but I didn't want to tell him we were dating because I didn't want him to be upset, even though we weren't together anymore.

Fast forward to the end of 2016.. things had been going great with my SO and I. We hadn't been together long, but I'd never had that much fun with a partner before. Things came to a head with my ex, though, when I finally confessed that I didn't want to see him. I should have never strung him along and I feel like such an idiot about it. I realized how much I hurt him and that this whole situation could've been avoided if I had just been honest about my feelings. That's when we had this huge blowout on New Years Eve where we talked about our past and all that had gone wrong. I decided that it was best to block him, and then we could each move on with our lives.

A week later, I got an email from my ex. I thought I had blocked him from everything, but realized I had forgotten to block him from my email. The email was very apologetic, and he wanted to talk again about our past. Against my better judgement, I replied to the email and we started talking again. The talks were actually very positive, and we admitted where we both went wrong over the years. I thought it was the start of a nice friendship. But, I was wrong..
eventually he started heckling me again about seeing each other for closure. I still didn't think it was a good idea, but I felt awful when he told me how depressed he was after we had broken up, how much weight he lost, how is work and schoolwork suffered.. I felt like I owed it to him. So, here's where I made another huge mistake..

I agreed for him to come out and see me for a week at the last week of January, for closure. I had a horrible pit in my stomach thinking about it, I really didn't want to see him. To make things worse, I didn't tell my SO about it because I didn't want him to worry.. I really fucked that up, too
The night I picked the ex up was already awful. I was late to the airport because I got done with work late, and traffic was horrendous. He called me, screaming, asking why the fuck was I late. I tried apologizing so many times, but he was so furious and said I didn't care about him. I felt sick to my stomach already about the coming week and just wanted to get it over with :/

Things got dramatically worse the next night. He still didn't know I was dating someone, and I was afraid for him to find out, at this point. My phone was password protected, so I know he couldn't see my texts, but I forgot that my iPad wasn't password protected. In the middle of the night while I was sleeping, he went through my things and found my iPad. Since my iPad and iPhone are synced, he was able to read all the texts between my SO and I. He woke me up at about 4 am by jumping on top of me and pinning me down to the bed and hitting me, asking who Dan is. I was so scared but admitted that he and I were dating. My ex demanded that I give him the password to my phone or else I would regret it, so I gave it to him. My ex is very good with technology, and he downloaded this software onto his laptop that would allow him to look at the entire history of my phone, even if it's been deleted from my phone and the iCloud.

He looked through my entire phone for hours... all the pictures and texts between my SO and I. He found out that my SO is 15 years older than me and that we are in a dom/sub relationship of sorts. (Willingly and happily on both our ends, of course). My ex literally went off the deep end and into a rage I had never seen before. I had always felt slightly intimidated by him when we were together, but I was really afraid for my life at this point. He slapped me and choked me and pulled my hair for a good few minutes, and asked why I was with this guy when I should be with him. He threatened to tell my entire family and friends about the nature of the relationship between my SO and I, and said he would post it all over social media and ruin my life forever. I had never been more threatened and scared in my entire life, which is why I didn't call the police or tell anyone. He also forced me to block and delete my SO from my phone.

I have no idea how I even survived the rest of the week, it was so stressful and scary :/ Sometimes my ex and I would have surprisingly good moments where we would talk about things and even laugh, but I was always terrified deep down. Meanwhile, my poor SO was trying to contact me :/ He even tried messaging me on Facebook to ask what was going on, and he never goes on Facebook. A few times at night when my SO was sleeping, I would try to sneak into the bathroom or hide my phone so I could unblock my SO and send him a message, but my ex always found me and would physically hurt me if he saw I had my phone on me.

Things really came to a boiling point last Friday, the day before my ex was scheduled to go back to Germany. He finally came through with his threats and called my dad and told him all the details of my relationship with my SO. My dad, or no one else for that matter, even knew my ex was in town. He also told my dad some things about my past that I had never told anyone, except for my ex. (Nothing super serious, just some things that I wanted to keep to myself). My dad, now thinking I have been in a sexually abusive relationship with my SO, bought me a plane ticket for the next day so he and my stepmom could watch over me. Then, just like in a horror movie, the house phone rang right after my ex hung up with my dad. It was my SO He was so worried at this point, he tried calling my grandma's house phone. Of course, my ex answered. They talked for over an hour about me. My SO found out about the whole last year and that I had been promising my ex closure and a visit, and he obviously knew that my ex was there with me, which I had never told him about. My SO wasn't mad at me, but obviously very hurt

The next day, Saturday, I flew out to Idaho to stay with my dad and stepmom for awhile. I have no idea when I'll be going home. I don't even know if I'll have a job to go back to when I get home, I might be gone for so long. My ex left for Germany on Saturday, too. We parted on very odd terms. I'm not excusing anything he did to me over the week, but I do realize how much I hurt him over the year by promising closure when I kept deliberately delaying it. All of this could've been avoided if I had just been honest with my feelings
My SO and I have hardly talked since last Friday. I wish I had just told him everything that was going on I know he's hurting and it breaks my heart. We haven't even been together for very long, but I've had the most special time of my life with him. His birthday was this past Monday, and I sent him flowers and a balloon, telling him how much I loved him. I also sent him an email explaining my thought process with everything and how badly I messed up. Ironically, my ex and my SO have been talking sporadically on Facebook, according to my ex. My ex told him to stay away from me and to block me because I need time to heal. He told my SO that he knows where he lives (and he does, because he read our messages). He also told my SO that his family has connections to the mafia in Georgia. (The country, not the state. My ex's father's side of the family is from Georgia, and they are a very powerful, well-known family in the country that do indeed have connections with the mafia). My ex told me he didn't mean it to come off as a threat and that he regrets telling him that, but of course now my SO feels threatened

I feel like my life has turned upside down, and honestly, I have no one to blame but myself. On the positive side, I have started seeing a therapist here in Idaho. I want to change the things about myself that I dislike, and be the best version of me. I've also done some soul searching and have decided to go to nursing school. It's something I've always felt passionate about but always made excuses for why it wouldn't work out. But, I'm finally going to do it
I really, really hope I can work things out with my SO, because my heart hurts just looking at my avatar picture. But, I realize that I can't always tee my way, and if things don't work out, then I just have to move forward.
Thank you all for listening to my horribly long rant