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"If you were here, I could stop searching."

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    "If you were here, I could stop searching."

    Hello, my name is Mariana and the name of my guy is Julian.
    Well, my story is not very long but still I read some stories and I'd like to share what happened to me.

    I had some big disappointments falling in love on Internet. Once I liked one guy who lied to me about who he was, when actually he was a girl. But coincidence or not, if it wasn't for him, I could have never met Julian. This "guy" used to tell me he was doing some sort of interchange in Germany and because of him I got really interested in the country and culture and I started to learn german and to have wishes of living there. Because of that, I subscribed some websites of language learning stuff and that's how I met Julian. I found out that the other guy was not a guy one week after I met Julian (02/01/2012), he was really my gift for the new year that had started. Well, Julian had a girlfriend who was really a bitch to him but he still loved her a lot. I remember that when we wrote to each other, he would tell me all the things he had done for her, that was when I started to see how special he was and how he didn't deserve that. I also shared my story with him and he was there to help me. I started to feel really attracted to him but we weren't too close by then.
    One day, he asked if we could do a cam chat and I agreed. I remember I was shaking before I saw him on the cam, but in fact, the conversation was pretty natural and I found out that we would never run out of things to say. We noticed how many things in common we had and we were healing each other. I was making him forget his ex girlfriend and he would heal all the pain I had been through. It became a tradition to talk to him everyday when he got home at night and we would talk until 2am even when he had classes at 7am the next day, but it was always so hard to say goodbye! I already liked him a lot and it seemed like he was feeling something since he would always flirt with me. Once he got home drunk and I was mentioning that it was bad that I don't live in Germany and he said "Yes, if you lived here, I could stop searching". I knew what he meant with that, he would stop searching for a girlfriend but I just couldn't believe that he also liked me. Then he turned off the call because he was so embarassed, haha. After that things just got even more emotional, I sent him a letter and he asked me to send it with my perfume.
    Germans have a different way to say "I love you". They have "Hab dich lieb" which goes for friends and not romantic relationships and "Ich liebe dich" which is only for the person who they really really love and Julian hadn't really ever said it to anyone. He started with 'hab dich lieb' with me but I was happy to know that he loved me anyway. Then he replied my letter and receiving and waiting for it was one of the best sensations I ever had. It had his perfume (the best I have ever smelled) and he touched it, I was touching the same paper he had put his hands on, that was so incredibly amazing. He also sent me german shirt and a flag. In the letter he said that meeting me was so important because I made him notice that his ex girlfriend was not perfect like he though, because he had found the perfect girl for real and that was me. There are no words to describe how I felt
    But until then, both of us hadn't really said that we liked each other in the proper words so we just were pretending that there was nothing going on. Then he left to China for a six months interchange and he started to talk about dating someone there and I was so mad! That was when I decided to tell him that I like him and that I was afraid. I said I didn't mind if he was going to date, but that I didn't want him to forget me. To my surprise, he acted crazy and said he didn't know how he felt about me and that he wouldn't allow himself to think about that until we met. That was totally heartbreaking and I told him I didn't want to speak to him anymore because I thought he was lying to me with that flerting all the time. So we spent like two days without talking and then he came after me, saying he had something to say and asked to skype with me. Then we did and he said that he liked me a lot, that he was afraid of assuming it and that he had planned to keep flerting with me but not to go that serious because he was afraid that the feeling could vanish if we took it too serious before meeting. But he said he was telling me the truth, because he didn't want to lose me.
    After that, everything got sooooo much better, haha. I started my plans to go to university in Germany, but I don't have enough money for that and Julian can't study in the same city as me. I am planning to live in Frankfurt and he managed to pick a city which is one hour away from it to be closer to me, even if that meant he wouldn't go to the university he wanted to go his whole life. I also received my first "ich liebe dich" (i love you), which was said in every language he could possibly know and that was pretty much one of the best days of my life. But I could only go on 2014, until I had time to save the money enough. We started to make plans of everything we would do, we planned to get married, have kids and so on. But though I am willing to be close to him, that would not really be the best choice for my career's future and therefore I started to have many doubts and be confused since my family doesn't really see it as the best that I would go to Germany now. I told him about my doubts and we had a big discussion, he doesn't want me to go there just because of him cause he would have a huge responsability on his back. None of us know it would work out and if it doesn't, then he'd feel like ruining my life. So things got a little tense and now both of us don't know where we're heading. I don't mind living a distance relationship for some years if we could see each other every year until both of us graduate but he is afraid that we could be holding onto an illusion that could never work out. We are not in a relationship though both of us like each other and we do not know where this is gonna lead or if this is going to work but I am hoping we will have a happy ending!
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