I keep fighting but loosing the focus now

[tomski]

Hi, I have been with my partner since Dec 2008. I have met her at work, but it took me almost a year to realize I have feelings for her and am interested in her, as she seemed to be unavailable... When I finally realized, she was about to go to Venice for a weekend with her then boyfriend... I am not a one to break people's lives, but I have told her how I feel and that I can not ask anything of her, she needs to do what she wants, whatever it is I will accept it.
I have asked for help from "the Higher Forces at work" that evening "if this is the one for me, please help me somehow"... Believe it or not, Venice flooded the next morning and she didn't go...
We started going out and I soon moved into hers after a few months... We were working together across the office floor, but kept it all professional at work. Everything was working out. In the meantime, something else extremely significant happened, something I would never have guessed was possible, which made me believe even more in soul mates. I had a dream about her in the past, which I would never have guessed, something really bad happened to her when she was little, those past things made parts of our relationship a bit lacking... but I was doing alright...

Long story short, we had a plan, a master plan to come out to NZ and build our new lives together here (buy a plot of land, build a house - we even build a cardboard model...). I got a job during out trip around Central/South America, came back to UK in Feb and went through the immigration process successfully and came out here in April this year. She stayed in UK to help her mum find a property to live in... and was renting, was to rent until November and come join me here...

Things have change in the meantime, she had a job and left it as felt it's not what she wants to do, this took the chance for us to meet up half way the time... Later, my dad landed in intensive care (in Poland) with heart problems, I went for a drink with a mate and... send 2 vids to her, pretty much in tears about how much I miss her and how much I want her...
After that, she said we need to stop contact for a bit... Because those videos pushed her away... and I have not seen her on video since...

We only use the chat... until last week for the first time we had a voice call, we had one yesterday too.

I have a lot of anger and negativity, for the situation, for the way she is behaving... the lot... That this is going to go to crap, but once I get this thought, I am getting another one, if she did want to finish, she would have already, much easier on skype or chat, no need to buy expensive tickets to New Zealand to say "i am done"...

Just to let you know, I am 33 now, have been around my parents until I was 26, was a quiet guy, never caused trouble... then moved to UK, had my older sister around... then I had my Darling around.

I was leaning on everyone... a lot, I am aware of that. Now I am here all by myself, no friends, no family, no one. Have met a few new people yes. Don't get me wrong. I am doing alright, keep myself busy, going around places and all, but there is one thing missing here, one vital thing...

The trip around the world was the best thing we did so far but I have not been a lot of support, a lot of a man... I have not been a lot of support for the whole time to be honest.

I don't want to lose this, but I am losing energy. Last week my body finally gave up, got ill. I have been doing all sorts of things, meditation, affirmations, chakra cleaning, reading self help books... I want to change.

She came back from holiday from Italy few weeks ago and said she wants to come and visit, how things are, where things are going and all. Have asked her if she is not coming here for good then, to what she said she never said so, when she actually did say "i want to come for a visit a month or two"... The thing is she talk crap sometimes, and I take all personally, literally... and I no longer know what she wants, and I feel I am being played with all the way...

She can't seem to get a job there, and finally after the voice call last night she said she might visit me this week for 3 weeks or in November for 4 weeks, so her denying that she has never said she is not coming here for good is as you can see... 1 day this way, 1 day the other...

I get she is self-preserving, but if she treats me the way she does now when she is here, it will be the end. And to be honest, I am not looking forward to her visit as I am afraid it's the make or break deal.

I could write tons more, but hey...

Any word of advice, brutal honesty, opinions, views, hit me with all you can.

The only person who knows what to do is me, even if I am not aware of it...
but I am so confused to such an extent that I don't even know what I am trying to change in me at this point... and to what purpose... I am so confused I no longer know what I am doing here, I even had thoughts if we are not together for Xmas and NY, I am packing a backpack and disappearing of the face of the planet on the 1st Jan 2014... for good...

I would like to feel wanted... at least a little bit... but hey

[aniay]

Instead of doing all the self help try to go to therapist. The last sentence in your post screams to me that you need emotional support from anyone.

It seems to me you'd do anything for her, anything for anyone who showed you love and attention.

Instead of saying I would like to feel wanted you should say I DESERVE to be wanted.

I think the problem is deeper than this relationship, and if you can't help yourself try to find someone who can help.

It looks for me like you are the only one in this relationship, or the only one so INTO relationship.
You almost don't say anything about her, you are not sure about her feelings, about her in general, I wonder if it's because you two don't comunicate well or because YOU don't really want to/are afraid to know.

You seem so very concentrated on yourself that she is fading in the background but yet it sounds like she is the air for you and you can't live wittout her. But I can't help the feeling that there is something lacking, both from you and her.

The only advice I can give is let her read your post, and accept whatever decision she makes. You can't keep her if she doesn't want to be with you.


I'm sorry for your dad, hope he's okay now.

[tomski]

Hi,

Thank you, my dad is on meds, may be for the rest of his life, but he is fine.

Yes I know I am talking about myself. Some advice I had from a few people I had spoken to is to focus on myself and what I want. Besides... because I know I need to work on myself, a lot. She specifically told me some time ago, to basically... grow up and learn to stand on my feet... Second, I need to stop having little digs at her every now and then (have been doing that for years, little stupid comments, oh guess you don't love me as much as I do as you don't seem to kiss me all the time... and childish crap like that...) otherwise it will be the end of it.

She clearly said she needs an equal and a man and I am trying my best, but the last couple of days made me wonder... about a lot of things...
To get to little gold there is you need to dig through tons of dirt kind of thing...

I know the things are there, not always, not when I needed them the most it seems, but I am drained with the fact that I doubt so much... One of my problems, negativity seen in everything. Even the fact she wants to come over here. Instead of saying, hey, lets see what we can do about it, at least we have tried, I am already thinking that she is coming here to end this all!!!

Yeah, the lack of communication is killing me, the lack of video is killing me even more. Nothing I can do about it, told her many times that I can't do this anymore that way, but she didn't do anything...

She just keep saying to me step by step, learn to walk before you can run...

Maybe I am just too impatient.

I am trying not to talk about her as don't want to place blame in anyone's corner. The thing is she let out some affection a few weeks ago, when she was on holiday, she just sent a short message out of the blue when she told me she wouldn't be in touch during the holidays, to tell me that she does miss me. The other conversation we had the other week was that she never stopped loving me either. Besides I have a recent email from her that uncovers a little bit more affection. So I know everything seems to be there, but the cold distance she is keeping is really hard to swallow. I am in a vicious cycle, because I get annoyed that she is so distant and whenever she gets more relaxed and happier I say something I shouldn't have.

The other thing is that most people I talked to about our situation were saying they would have given up ages ago on her.

I can't, I made myself a promise, that I am not going to be her ex, and she knows that.
If I make an effort and fight for her and lose, at least I know I did make an effort and can walk away knowing that I did my best.

Just lacking some energy at the moment and effective ways to bounce back when the skies seem dark... it's worse in my head than in reality I know it sometimes...


Thanks for responding.