BF Bored with the relationship

[antoz]

Hi everyone!

I don't know if this goes here, so I'm sorry if it doesn't.

I'm new on the forum, been with my boyfriend for 4 years.

He has started grad school now in a new city and I'm finishing school on the other side of the Atlantic. This year we were able to spend most of the time together, he came for three months after Christmas and I wen there for the summer.
The three first months were really bad for our relationship and he stressed out a lot, since then I've changed everything I could so he could feel good about our relationship, when I was there during the summer everything was pretty much perfect again.
Now it's been a little bit over a month since I got back and he says he feels bored with the situation, he's also not very "romantic" so he never shows his feelings and I always have to ask him about how he feels which bothers him. He also thinks that our relationship is too serious for being 23, I don't agree with this... Anyway, by June next year we would be most likely closing the distance so I told him to not surrender and he said he wasn't and that I wasn't going to loose him, that he knows he want's to be with me, only that he's tired of being in this situation and that he need to mature.

In general he is great, I wish he were more romantic but I love him and I know he's perfect for me and I can't picture my life with anyone else.

What do you guys think? Should I just be patient and wait to see what happens? It really makes me nervous and is being very stressful I just don't want to loose him.

Thank you all for everything!

[alizee]

I believe that you should give your boyfriend some time to adjust to you not being there with him. You said that you came home for a month and he is probably feeling lonely and needs some time to adapt, or maybe he has some problems to work on. LDRs are hard mentally I know, as I am into one. Most of the time I feel stressed and people tell me I have no reason to ...
Don`t worry that your boyfriend isn`t romantic, mine is not romantic at all - he is not good with sweet words (he is kind of laid back), no good with expressing his feelings towards me or our relationship. This might be because we are in a relationship for only 5 months and we only met once, or this may be because that is the way he is ... I started to get used to his way of being and I like him the way he is .... some people are not good with expressing their feelings, but that doesn`t mean they don`t love you!
I think you should be patient and give him some time, though I know it`s hard because you fear loosing him ...

[phoenix-]

You seem to have made a habit of asking him about his feelings over and over. For certain people, questions about one's feelings equate to being asked about -insert insecurity here- again and again. It is imperative that you stop asking him how he feels. This is the equivalent of a man asking a woman how she weighs. It can make certain men very, very uncomfortable. I'm sure you wouldn't wanna be made uncomfortable over and over, would you?

I understand the need for validation. I really, really do. It's hard being the affectionate one, specially in an LDR. While I do think he loves you, I worry that you two have different opinions about where your relationship stands in terms of seriousness. I believe this might be the core of all your other issues. When a man tells you something, it is very important that you listen. Here are his statements as I read them from your post:

- I am bored.
- I am still immature.
- Stop asking me how I feel.
- I am not as serious about this relationship as you are.

These statements are the answers to your constant question of "How do you feel?" So you need to really process his revelations. You said you don't agree with them, but your refusal to agree doesn't mean anything. Those are his feelings and feelings are real to the person who feels them, regardless of whether you agree with them or not. The question now is are you prepared to stay with a man who feels this way about your relationship? I suggest you really think about the answer to that question. Can you accept that he might never actually mature, that he actually is bored, that he isn't as serious as you at this time? If the answer is yes, then no need to worry, because he also gave you other statements:

- You are not going to lose me, and;
- I know I want to be with you.

Those are his feelings, too. Listen to his honest words instead of focusing on the "romantic" stuff that what you want to hear. Stop dramatically asking him not to give in. Do you realize you just asked your boyfriend "not to surrender" to boredom? Yes, be patient, see how it unfolds. But also stop bugging him and go be an awesome woman in your own right. Live your life. He already told you he wants to be with you. Your worrying if he will actually follow through will just drive a wedge between you two.

Ironically, it's when we start living our lives that our significant others suddenly remember why they loved us in the first place, even in LDRs. Insecurity is unattractive. And yes, it's also very boring.