Third Time's the Charm?
I was lucky enough to meet my SO in college, and for our first round of dating, we were in the same place: same city, same life as students. According to his story, he pursued me, infiltrating my circle of friends to get close to me. I was just intrigued by that weird guy in the marching band and thought I struck gold when it turned out he knew my friends. He was the first guy I really felt a connection with right from the start. Without digging too deeply into the past, we stopped dating shortly before I left to study abroad. It was not a happy parting, and we lost touch.
My life had a trajectory back then: college, prestigious internship, work-study...next stop was a job, I thought. I didn't plan on bumping into him in the middle of a crosswalk near campus. We hit it off as friends this time, while I secretly wished for more. He came to my graduation dinner and met my entire family; sisters and all knew how important he was to me. Well, after graduating, I found more of the same: part-time work only, or work not in my field. My SO continued his work, in the same town, and we saw each other occasionally as friends. Until he "disappeared" again, going through a lot of personal/career issues. He missed my going away party I had right before grad school. I always thought about him as the one who got away. Grad school was an exciting time of exploration for me, but a recession was there to greet me when I finished. I'm using that fancy degree, but part-time in my rural hometown.
After moving back from grad school, I looked him up. We met up for New Years and later started dating again, as if the past never happened. My family still adores him, by the way. We weren't in the same city, but close enough that we could visit each other. The only obstacles were gas money and part-time schedules. His work is in the oil & gas industry, so that means weeks on a rig in the middle of nowhere, if he gets any work at all. Throughout our underemployment, we arranged visits, wrote each other, and called. My sister's jokes about an engagement ring didn't sound so silly, by this point. It seemed that my misfortune in finding work allowed me to find him again. Now, this is actually our third round of dating, after about a year without contact.
I hope my talk of underemployment doesn't seem off-topic. For me, it's all wrapped up into one fragile package: career and relationship. We cannot plan or move to that next level. We cannot find work in the same place. We cannot, sometimes, even pay our own bills. It all weighs on us, and the love that should carry us through is threatened. We don't have an ocean between us, we aren't in different countries, or even different states. But there's an emotional distance greater than the mileage between us. I'm actually at a place where I really have to examine not how I feel about him, but how I express it. I don't think our calls and texts get the message across, and I know he needs more from me to keep hope alive. I've never been very expressive that way. Perhaps there is a forum out there for sullen girls who haven't kept many friends over the years or really learned to express their love? That would be helpful, too. I just cannot allow my own shortcomings to derail what we've already held on to for so long. All told, we've known each other ten years, and the majority of our relationship has been long-distance, committed but woefully uncertain.
My life had a trajectory back then: college, prestigious internship, work-study...next stop was a job, I thought. I didn't plan on bumping into him in the middle of a crosswalk near campus. We hit it off as friends this time, while I secretly wished for more. He came to my graduation dinner and met my entire family; sisters and all knew how important he was to me. Well, after graduating, I found more of the same: part-time work only, or work not in my field. My SO continued his work, in the same town, and we saw each other occasionally as friends. Until he "disappeared" again, going through a lot of personal/career issues. He missed my going away party I had right before grad school. I always thought about him as the one who got away. Grad school was an exciting time of exploration for me, but a recession was there to greet me when I finished. I'm using that fancy degree, but part-time in my rural hometown.
After moving back from grad school, I looked him up. We met up for New Years and later started dating again, as if the past never happened. My family still adores him, by the way. We weren't in the same city, but close enough that we could visit each other. The only obstacles were gas money and part-time schedules. His work is in the oil & gas industry, so that means weeks on a rig in the middle of nowhere, if he gets any work at all. Throughout our underemployment, we arranged visits, wrote each other, and called. My sister's jokes about an engagement ring didn't sound so silly, by this point. It seemed that my misfortune in finding work allowed me to find him again. Now, this is actually our third round of dating, after about a year without contact.
I hope my talk of underemployment doesn't seem off-topic. For me, it's all wrapped up into one fragile package: career and relationship. We cannot plan or move to that next level. We cannot find work in the same place. We cannot, sometimes, even pay our own bills. It all weighs on us, and the love that should carry us through is threatened. We don't have an ocean between us, we aren't in different countries, or even different states. But there's an emotional distance greater than the mileage between us. I'm actually at a place where I really have to examine not how I feel about him, but how I express it. I don't think our calls and texts get the message across, and I know he needs more from me to keep hope alive. I've never been very expressive that way. Perhaps there is a forum out there for sullen girls who haven't kept many friends over the years or really learned to express their love? That would be helpful, too. I just cannot allow my own shortcomings to derail what we've already held on to for so long. All told, we've known each other ten years, and the majority of our relationship has been long-distance, committed but woefully uncertain.
Best Wishes!
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