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**River Song** · June 16, 2014, 12:03 PM

RE: The Story of us (From River Song/Meggy's perspective)

I’ll tell you – it really melts my heart that James took the initiative and did this. I was going to begin this story last night but had chores around the house that I HAD to get to with my landlord (a few of us rent out our rooms of a house – great landlord guy owns it, I’ve been the longest roommate here and the only one who really helps out) so I was gonna work on it while at work today, which has been pretty slow recently.

So since I have some time now before work I will begin. It all began in 2009 when I was 20 years old. I wasn’t personally a huge Michael Jackson fan myself but I had loved to dance since I was 10 or so – would dance to music videos in my room all the time or make up my own choreography – of course no one else was king of that besides Michael. Personally, being girly I was a bit more of an oldschool Janet fan and would dance to her videos. A lot of that faded out in my teenage years, going through depression and things but I never quit being a fan. When he died the case was interesting to me – very suspicious about Conrad Murray, his Dr. who basically killed him – so my investigative brain thought, “to really examine the case, find a fansite where fans who really know how to find the real news and decipher what’s going on – see what they have to say” – so that’s what I did. I found a site, I assume based in the UK but had no idea at the time – I was just curious. And yes, I made a few friends there. Also being 20 years old and immature I did develop feelings for one guy there – and I suppose word got round and this guy turned out to be very crazy, much crazier than I thought he was capable of. I was also going through so much at the time – a step-sibling of mine was arrested, and all trust was lost in him but I was also writing my first novel – and it’s funny cause I based a character on him and wrote he got arrested and put away for eternity and then next thing I know in real life he’s arrested. Case of life imitating art I suppose. I took off my college semester that fall – mostly cause I was living at home at the time and a dangerous flu virus was going round and if I had brought that home to my little brother who has special needs and a sensitive immune system, he could’ve died and it wasn’t worth that, and I did want to stick to writing my novel. I got to know James a bit – I remember a couple years ago finding old conversations of us from this time period on my mother’s computer and how we liked each other even then. I had absolutely no clue at the time about what Asperger’s was or what it meant to our interactions. I was attracted to him the more I got to know him and I thought he was with me. But come to find out a few years later he says he was more nervous and scared of how strong I came on then. And yeah, I was a lot more hard headed then. I personally don’t remember a whole lot about that time period because to me I felt all over the place emotionally – but I do remember how much James inspired me and my writing and I do remember us sharing an affectionate bond that really got me through.

I ended up staying in touch with a handful of people from that site for about another year or two but then losing touch with everyone except James. We stayed in touch on Facebook and not realizing the time difference I’d often message him when I got off work which was when he was going to bed (6 hr time difference). We’d catch up with each other pretty consistently and always be there for each other during the hard times. When I got lonely he was really the one consistent person I’d go to and his affection even then was so sweet, even as a friend. The more we talked to each other the more attracted we did become to each other and I do still have conversations in 2012 when he was asking me to come there – that if I did he’d rent a hotel for us in London for a week for us to stay together, try a relationship properly. I remember it being a very tempting but very impractical concept. I never actually thought any of what has happened would happen – but I knew if it did I would be lucky. Being all the way across the ocean in one of the worst states in the country, Alabama, and he’s in the UK – I just thought it’d never happen. But that attraction was mutual and what we had was always sacred, secure and beautiful – even if we were just best friends. I did want more, but I was slowly realizing that because of his Asperger’s he wasn’t capable of more, least until we met. That was always a wall in our relationship – I knew in my heart the closer we became over the years how much it could work and how great of a fit we were but he couldn’t give me anything yet. And he was meeting girls here and there – relationships would happen in his life, I’d put on my guard for a while, hope and pray really, biting my lip that he wouldn’t get married off to one of these girls but knowing I had to be brave because of the distance. You’d think being in college I’d meet someone – and there were a few people here and there I liked or I had relations with to an extent but I remained a virgin the entire time. Relationships never developed with anyone I met and I didn’t want to give it up without one. I did fall for a few really terrible people in my life but James was always that safe haven – that friend I could go to that was understanding and caring above all of them. I cherished that.

At 21 – shortly before I turned 22 I got into a bad relationship situation (though we weren’t committed) and got on birth control for someone (though nothing happened) and it made me so depressive and imbalanced coming off it that when the relationship ended I spiraled and overdosed. James was there. I remember in 2011 – the day of Kate Middleton/Prince William’s wedding – and I’d been a Princess Diana fan since I was a child- she inspired me to work in Nonprofit for a career – but I remember watching that wedding at the same time with him – talking to him online while I watched from my dorm – and how much at the time we cherished each other and how I really began to let into my life the idea of us really working out. When he was affectionate – which wasn’t often, he was what every girl would dream of - so loving, so sincere, so appreciative and gentle about everything. But those moments would only be brief – just glimpses. He couldn’t emotionally invest and connect like I did – always that wall. I understood, but over the years it did grow frustrating. Then when he would date girls in his area it got harder and harder for me because I loved him – I realized I really did love him and September 2012 or so…at that time I had began a drinking problem and when he told me – and VERY nervous he was to tell me – but when he did that he began dating a girl – to me at the time the name didn’t matter but I think it was Julie as he said – someone he met at a funeral with someone he knew – and I really lost it then. I remember texting him back and forth for a while from my pre-paid flip phone as I was driving and coming back to school to talk to him on a computer in the computer lab (my lappy stopped working by March 2011 so we only communicated when I was at work, on my cell or school computer) and that’s when he told me about this girl and their new relationship. All my frustration just came up to the surface after boiling in me so long and I said things I shouldn’t have and I hurt him. I didn’t realize it but I hurt him bigtime, I even sent him into panic attack, which I didn’t know he could have those. He blocked me immediately, which I didn’t blame him for but I didn’t expect that honestly nor did I wish that but it happened – I did try to beg him back for weeks after that but to no avail. I went into a worse drinking spiral after that.

**River Song** · June 16, 2014, 12:05 PM

In January 2013 I made resolution to quit drinking especially after it cost me him, amongst other things. I began doing more yoga and meditating and really a lot of self work and self examination. I began a project or two, felt more secure in a new major in my school in Sociology, started doing a lot more with my college’s nonprofit group, etc. I was in a good place. Until February when someone came into my life, Brandon, who had ten times a drinking problem that I did – who I only got to know in class and didn’t know any of his problems until I got to know him. We had been paired up for a project and I could just tell – having known James and understanding a few things about Asperger’s I began to add up the signs with Brandon – especially when the first time I tried to make small talk with him and his first words to me were “do you have a boyfriend?” I knew coming on strong like that – I mean I did understand AS to some extent. And later the next month when I met him for coffee he told me he was developmentally challenged but I didn’t see that at all – mentally he was brilliant, his speech was not an issue. My little brother who is 15 now has cerebral palsy – I went to speech therapy sessions with him as a teenager for years and years - I know these things. He was not developmentally challenged that I could see and whoever told him he was took advantage of him. He came from a very bad abusive household, abused medication, said he was in and out of a lot of mental homes. He had scars all over his body that were half an inch thick, each scar from years of hurting himself. I don’t know why – maybe the mothering instinct in me gravitated to him though. I was the only friend he had and he was sincerely sweet, a danger to no one but himself. I really wished James was in my life at the time because I was confused about so much, had my suspicions of AS but no one to go to except my sister – who did date someone and have kids with someone with AS – possibly even her son has it as it can be hereditary. But for some reason I became attracted more and more to Brandon…he was sweet to me. He never felt he was worthy of someone so great as me. He treated me well and when he would pick me up he would dress up for it and look so handsome and be so nervous but so gentlemanly towards me. I remembered that was an AS trait – to be old fashioned and chivalrous. I liked that quality. It’s so rare nowadays. I felt like I was falling in love with him. In retrospect I think when I told Brandon I loved him that sent him spiraling down drinking wise – because he was fine before - and then next thing I know he was at my house drunk and hopped up on his meds – antianxiety, Adderall, sleeping pills and vodka. I had to hold him down all night so he wouldn’t go anywhere or do anything and made him sleep in my bed while I stayed up all night watching him making sure he wouldn’t go into seizure or anything. I was truly scared but I tried to keep it together much as possible, but I didn’t even realize how much I was losing control. I even called Dr. Drew on his podcast and asked advice with him, and of course he told me to run from Brandon soon as possible. I should’ve listened and I didn’t and I got more sucked in and felt worthless that I couldn’t be of help to him and that he kept pushing me away and I ended up becoming seriously bulimic for many weeks. On my birthday I was bulimic and felt helpless and worthless that I invested so much in Brandon emotionally and I couldn’t help him and I was so worried about him. Following up on my AS suspicions I ordered a book on relationships between Neurotypicals and Aspergers’ written by a counselor. Brandon wasn’t talking to me and beginning an outpatient rehab program and I met with a friend that day who was really worried about me. I got the book that day too. While I was in Starbucks talking to my friend…my cell vibrated. James friended me on yahoo again. Out of the blue and I’ll never forget the shock and awe that overcame me in that moment. By that time my lappy was fixed by my landlord and working again and I emailed him that night and we talked that night or the next day. We skyped for the first time after I went to an Al-Anon meeting over Brandon (as recommended by Dr. Drew).

When I got home from what was to be my last meeting I was a mixture of many things. Nervous, excited – insecure to the nth degree but ready. I needed him back in my life. We made up and I told him how much I needed him – gave him an overview of what I had just went through – as he did for me – and it was so kismet we came together again at the right time. Now my lappy was fixed we could skype. I’ll never forget it either. He was so handsome, so grown up from the last time I spoke to him. So gentlemanly, chivalrous and kind. I was in love instantly, as was he. He told me of his plans to go to Vegas to see the Michael Jackson “ONE” show and I told him if he’d like I would love to join him so he wouldn’t be alone – which he loved that idea as well and for a while that was our goal – to do that this year for a week together, perhaps in July. We committed to a relationship then. I was in heaven and we were very much in love for about two months. Then he got some more bad news about Jordan – if my memory serves me right, that early July she had surgery to remove some tumors but turns out she wasn’t all in the clear as everyone had hoped. I of course offered him space which I knew he needed and I didn’t want to take any of it personally but when he started becoming less and less affectionate and more and more sensitive and moody I felt like I was walking on eggshells everyday. I didn’t love him any less but I was nervous. I had a lot of mood swings myself in reaction and my body chemistry even got out of sorts for a few months.

One day I said something pertaining towards needing his affections and he blew up at me and blocked me. I apologized, I cried, I tried everything. We spoke briefly for a few minutes and then he blocked me for about a week out of nowhere. I begged the whole time – or I thought he blocked me – I think later he said his computer was acting up or something but I had no word from him for a while. Walked on eggshells a bit more and he was about to come to the states to visit his older sister and her family in California and he was nervous about that – flying alone for the first time, and a musical performance gig coming up right before. Again some weeks later something little I said was taken out of context and he blew up at me and this time blocked me for what amounted to about a month or month and a half.

That was a very hard time. I tried to be as sincere and apologetic for whatever it was that sent him off but he wouldn’t reply, and when he did it was mean. I still tried to remain nice about it and wished him luck on his gig and his trip – I watched to make sure his flight took off okay on the website and everything…and my older sister, friends, everyone was really encouraging me to get over it. Get over this guy, I deserve better. His life and relationships will always be a mess because of the Asperger’s and I will always be treated as second best in his priorities. That’s what people were telling me. I found an online mailing list community for Neurotypical partners of Asperger male relationships and sought advice there. All of them encouraged me to leave him. Every single one. I was in the middle at the time but I didn’t buy into it a whole lot at first because most were bitter wives or divorcing or had recently broken up with someone – just all seemed a bit too slanted for me, I wanted to hear all sides of opinion and weigh them both evenly. I meditated on it a long time. Made new friends, talked it out. My heart was of course clinging for him and pining for him every minute of every day even though my head was telling me something else. My head was saying a lot of things and my heart was utterly confused everywhere I turned. I just pushed through. I thought a lot about what I knew was right – what I deserved and what I got were two different things and I had to stand up for myself against him. I wrote many drafts – must’ve been 30 or more – of a letter I wanted to send him to close it off. I hate ending relationships without closure and I needed it. Something. Anything. If he wasn’t gonna hear me out. So I wrote him a letter expressing these things. I knew he blocked my emails probably, so I mailed it to his address. He wouldn’t ignore it then, his curiosity would get the better of him if nothing else. There was a chance he’d just toss it in the trash but this way it would at least get to him. I moved forward in my life and forced myself to go on walks more by myself and go swimming at school. I tried to find a peace in a new life.

I was just about there really when I got an email from James while I was at school one day, saying he received my letter. He apologized profusely and told me he’d understand if I never spoke to him again. He apologized for showing me a side of himself that he doesn’t like to let out to most people. I forgave, but only on terms as friends because my heart was so ragged and worn at that point. He agreed; he wasn’t ready for a relationship. The year carried on but with the autumn turning cold so did a lot of hardship begin in our relationship too.

**River Song** · June 16, 2014, 12:08 PM

He began to show a more troubled emotional side that could become possessive and scary at times – not physically violent but potentially. He then confessed to me that he met an ex of his and went out and got drunk with her and didn’t remember what happened, but found out a couple days later from her they made out. Though we were not committed at that time that left me sick and for a week I had all kinds of panic attacks. Severe panic attacks, crying for hours on end unable to console myself, breaking down in a grocery store, shaking, couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep – I just realized there and then that I could never go back. If he got a girlfriend where he was then I had to leave – I could not sit ildly by while he got a girlfriend and remain friends with him. I was too involved. I had seen too much to go back to being friends. I was faced with the prospect of losing him to someone else and losing him for good. That scared me. I have a fear of abandonment and it triggered in me something huge. I told him that week I would think about it, about what I could and couldn’t handle. He was about to meet her again – Julie – that upcoming weekend. But at the same I knew from just knowing him where he was at was not a good time for him to be in a relationship at all, with me or anyone, and I’d fear for her just as I would for me – with the place he was in at that time emotionally. I tried to advise as kindly and friendly as possible that he was not at a good place for a relationship. Perhaps it was out of a little jealousy I said this, but trying so hard to be strong and supportive and giving my all I did mean it sincerely as a friend this advice. He ended up not meeting her. I told him if he focuses on himself, going to counseling and getting help and processing everything then I will stick by his side. That’s what he decided to do, and so I did as well. It wasn’t easy during this time but we made it through. By my academic Christmas break for a few weeks we were really bonding again and closer than we had been in a long time. We bonded over him introducing me to Dr. Who and Arrow.

By January we were moving to a much better place. We weren’t in a relationship, but we spent every single day talking to each other, skyping or at least type-chatting if nothing else. He was determined to put a new band together and really growing a lot more confident in himself. He came to a realization about what he was going through emotionally, processed things, understood them and resolved them. I was so proud of him too. And then I suggested to him the idea of my coming over to meet him. I knew as an Aspie he wouldn’t make the first move, it would have to be me. I kinda hated that because my personal mantra was always “if he really wants me he’ll come to me” as most girls should and do live by. On one hand I knew I’d kinda be betraying myself but at the same I’d be going on an adventure and getting out of this conventional funk I’d been in the past 3 years. Last time I went anywhere was to NYC for a day for a really bad relationship situation that I got very hurt by and a year before that I went to San Diego for a week meeting my sister for Comic-Con. NYC didn’t exactly count because it was so traumatic, so 4 years really since I had a vacation. I needed it – I have gypsy blood in my ancestry and it gets the best of me and always has. So when he faced me with the prospect of his asking this girl he made out with a few months ago if she wanted to be in his band – risk losing him to a girl without ever having a chance to see if we’d get on – that’s when I got home from work that day, FaceTime’d him and proposed the idea. He went into panic mode himself briefly but adjusted to the idea. He was excited at first but the next day reverted back to old “logic” and didn’t seem as enthusiastic, and more cautious. I was patient. He needed time to think about it and I gave him a few weeks but I did need to know soon if I was gonna buy my plane ticket, which was about $1200. One day several weeks later in February we talked about it again – out of nowhere really he was so excited about it and okay with it. Surprisingly enough at around the same time his first serious ex had – after all these years – and he really took YEARS to get over her – she emailed him apologizing and wanting to talk again. He surprised the hell out of me by deciding to ignore her and leaving it in the past and agreeing to meet me. I was in shock. I couldn’t believe it. I was even cautious myself, scared he’d take it back but he didn’t. I booked the hotel and booked my airline ticket. All was great but then my car started messing up. I walked on eggshells trying to save up – I adapted to a new way of living by not going anywhere unless I absolutely had to like work and school and basically living in fear praying it’ll hold out at least until my trip. Every single trip just praying I make it to my next destination and living moment to moment really. I kinda still do with it to be honest.

My mentor at school was so supportive and excited for my trip. She’s like a second mother to me. She encouraged me to go into London and see the Princess Diana exhibits which I didn’t want to miss for the world and do things like the Tower of London and see museums. Of course I wanted to and dreamt about it so much. I needed that support and she really gave it to me and nurtured my fears and excitement about this trip. In April James’ cousin Jordan passed away. He emailed me which was midday his time and early morning my time. For many many weeks before when things began to take a turn for the worse I asked all of my friends to get their church congregations to pray for her, add her to their prayer lists. People did, even sent a letter to her. Poor girl was only 16 as well. I didn’t know what to do for James when she died except be there when he needed as much as possible and give him space when needed. I feared emotionally he’d take a turn for the worse – going back to his own drinking habit he had after a best friend died when he was a teenager – but he didn’t do it. It was hard and there were a lot of tears, but he made it through, blessed be. He was taking driving lessons by this time and still is, and making a lot of progress. On my birthday he was so sweet, and he skyped me that morning, and I luckily had the day off work and school. It was a beautiful day filled with love. We talked a lot about my trip and he helped me pick out outfits to bring.

The day finally came for me to leave. I’ll never forget feeling like a newbie even though I had flown once just two years ago. The plan was for me to get to London at 7am their time, get on (their version of a Greyhound bus) a National Express bus to Leicester (pretty cheap actually - $65 for a 3ish hour trip) and get on a city bus to the City Centre and to my hotel, the Premier Inn, check in by 11, hopefully get to my room, get ready and changed then meet him for a movie when he’d get there at 11:50am. It was a magical journey especially the way there – watching the sunrise as I was about to land in London, being exposed to all the newness of everything. It was my first international trip. It was a beautiful day too – people always gripe about how England has terrible weather and perhaps they do a lot but when it is sunny it is radiant and magical. That day certainly was, without a cloud in the sky. I took so many pictures of my journey its ridiculous. I tried to check in but it wasn’t time yet – the lady held my things behind the counter and I got dressed, changed and refreshed as good as possible and walked around outside looking for James. I knew he was tall – 6’4”- but Lord there were so many people out. I couldn’t find him for the crowds of people. I walked back and forth between the rail station and the hotel – I couldn’t remember where we said we’d meet – but when I found him walking to the hotel I ran to him and hugged him so tight. “Don’t run!” he cautioned me. Oh well. I looked up at him and just couldn’t believe my eyes. There he was. There he was! And I was with him and we hugged and I was just so grateful to all the gods, spirits, ancestors, universal circumstances, etc that brought us together. We caught up with each others’ lives – no wifi on the plane for me to talk to him while I was on the way – and walked to the movie theatre. I’ll never forget looking over at him and just taking in his beauty and the happiness of being alongside him at last. I’ll never forget sitting in the theatre – thinking how it almost felt like a friendzone thing at first – but I didn’t want to pressure him nor did he want to pressure me (later found out) but I knew right in that moment even if nothing came of it being there was the best thing in the world and it was all worth it. Afterwards we walked round their mall a bit and went back to my hotel where he helped me carry my bags up after I checked in.

**River Song** · June 16, 2014, 12:09 PM

Since James did inform me this forum is PG-13 – I will just say this. His kisses were the best I’d ever had and our chemistry when we were finally together – after we overcame our nervousness – was so pure and loving and ethereal. We held each other, we cried in each others arms and neither of us could believe it was real – that we were there together in those moments. We cherished each and every one. He did regret the decision he made to tell me to get a hotel instead of stay with him – but it was smart I think not to bank that it would’ve worked out. It was just lucky that it did, and it made our love story that much more interesting and sweet. I LOVED that hotel too. If anyone ever goes to Leicester – book in advance (PM me and I’ll give you info/guidance) and stay there. Their employees were so kind, service was wonderful, and I loved the room. We went on our first official “date” that Thursday evening I was there (I arrived on a Saturday and left the following Sunday). I took a train which he met me on at a stop before Nuneaton and we went to a great Chinese place there, walked round the city holding hands, kissing when we were alone and it was just beautiful. The next day after work he came over, we went out to dinner again and he spent the night and the following day with me. He purchased a SIM card for his cell phone where he can call mine for 1 penny a minute, which he does every morning to wake me up and on his work breaks and after work. He calls me from his home phone and we talk for hours sometimes. It was so romantic though – spending so much time with him that second weekend, and by that time we were much calmer and comfortable around each other. We were in sync. It was perfect. It was hell on earth for both of us saying goodbye. I did go into a bit of shock I must admit – my life having transformed so in just a week’s time. It was a lot to take in. I think to some extent I’m still taking it all in day by day. He is my first real relationship and we do see down the line getting married and having kids. I really want him to come to live here, and he’s wanted to live here a long time. We’re back and forth making plans and things for now, and I’m still figuring out what I wanna do – I’ve always been slow at that but things are certainly coming together right now. We’re both at a really good, safe, secure loving place and wouldn’t have it any other way. He tells all of his workmates, friends and family about me. He’s proud of me. He spoils me with things, tells me how appreciative he is of me, as I do him and we’re at a balance with each other emotionally at last and we’re preparing for our future.

I’m planning on venturing there again the same time next year to meet his friends and family. We’re currently investigating how to get him immigrated here – if it takes a fianc�e visa, marriage visa – which would be cheapest, possibility of my moving there temporarily, trips, things…it’s a lot right now but we’re thinking and trying to plan. I think there’s been quite a few signs in my life suggesting to me over the years that I would have a relationship like this – a great one – that I would have to hold out for, but it is a testament to what James and I are capable of, in hard times and for the good.

I do see couples in public who meet each other like most people do who live in the same city and that fire explodes and burns out because they take for granted their time together. Having to carefully save up for and savor your time in each other’s presence teaches you how precious life and true love really are. It forces you to grow and become a better, more appreciative person. It makes your relationship stronger I feel. It is a hardship but I’ve felt in my heart for a long time that a love like ours – all long distance relationships – give you the gift of enduring your hardships at the beginning so that you can be rewarded with a healthy, compassionate love in the end. Maybe that’s my rose colored honeymoon-stage glasses I’m wearing at present, but that’s how I like to think of it.

Sorry my post is so long even after editing. I’m a ramblin’ woman. Thanks for reading our love story!

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