This story starts in May 2010, when I went to Russia with my German journalism school class and fell in love like I never did before in my life, in just one fairytale week. I was 23, she was just about to turn 18, and without exchanging too many words, we both knew, it's so crazy. I will leave out all the romantic things and coincindences, since it would be too long, especially as the main purpose of this story are some questions I have regarding the end of all this. Anyway, at the end of that week, without having even kissed each other, we talked about that it's not possible, the distance, her age, and in a way we ended it before it had even started. However, I wrote to her just a day after coming back to Germany that I don't want this to end like this and she answered in the sweetest way possible, and we agreed to meet, either at the reverse exchange in November 2010, or, if she would not get a place, in another way. She got a place, and during that week we kissed each other, and became a couple, exactly six months after the day we first saw each other in Russia. We were together from that November 2010 til May 2011, but it turned out to be difficult to communicate (it wasn't possible for her to go online regularly), and also difficult to meet (money, uni, etc.). I went to see her in Kiev for four days in May 2011, but we agreed that it is not possible to be together by just writing each other messages from time to time, and she "didn't have the strength to be with somebody", as she wrote in her farewell letter. "Sometimes I think everything would be different if we had met a few years later. (...) Sometimes I think noone will be as kind to me as you are." It broke my heart, but we found a way to stay in contact, we sent each other books, tapes and letters since then, only three or four times a year though, but with such sweetness and innocence I never thought possible. Of course, all of that time, I was in love with her, and I knew she was too, though that's easily said, I know.
This July 2014 however, after another sweet exchange following my book present for her birthday, things went a little different. I asked her about her plans regarding studying abroad, since she always wanted to study somewhere abroad (our big hope I thought!) and she said that she didn't even try to apply somewhere, even though that were her plans a year before (and I was sure she said that back then because she also hoped). So I was quite sad and told her that. And she answered:
I was relieved, but also felt that I needed to force things now, a few years after, so I answered with this quote and an explanation:
And she answered:
And from this day in mid July 2014 (I was in Germany for holidays, but about to return to London), we started planning my holiday in Russia in August. I was so happy, it was like a dream, I saw some poems she posted on her site, and it seemed she thought similar.
I said that I would visit her in Moscow first, and booked everything after discussing suitable dates. And she said:
Oh I was so happy. She was about to go to Germany for a few days when I was already back in London, and it was strange that she couldn't tell me who she would be going with, but it didn't bother me much and I was looking forward to our trip, planning to ask her about Germany when being in Moscow with her, for the first time in three years!
But then she returned from Germany, and two days afterwards she shared a Youtube-Video, on her Russian Facebook equivalent page, with 700 pictures of her with another guy. I couldn't believe it! They weren't kissing, but it looked very intimate. And I found out that she went there not for four days, but ten! I was already on the brink of madness, but decided to ask her myself before confronting her with anger etc.
And the answer I got was:
What would your next step have been here? I went completely nuts. And I think I destroyed everything now. She is indeed in a relationship with this guy, for how long I don't know. It just doesn't fit into my head, as I know that what she wrote before was honest, because there were so many exclamation marks she never uses, because it looked all so genuine, because of all the fitting poems. The only possibility that makes some sense is that she didn't want to hurt me. But that makes no sense, because she wouldn't have let me come to Moscow and wouldn't have suggested to visit me in London then, right? Am I missing something here or is this the worst possible behaviour from her side, playing with my hopes like this. She must have known what I felt, after that hope quote (and so many other things I wrote to her not mentioned here). Or did I see something in her messages that isn't really there? It's the worst behaviour I have ever experienced in my life I think
This July 2014 however, after another sweet exchange following my book present for her birthday, things went a little different. I asked her about her plans regarding studying abroad, since she always wanted to study somewhere abroad (our big hope I thought!) and she said that she didn't even try to apply somewhere, even though that were her plans a year before (and I was sure she said that back then because she also hoped). So I was quite sad and told her that. And she answered:
"But I understand that I can't stay here for a long time because of many things. So I don't give up with the idea to study somewhere else or find an intership abroad but I'll do it later. Hope it will be possible. The situation in Russia is very unstable."
"The very least you can do in your life is figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope. Not admire it from a distance, but live right in it, under its roof."
This is a place I'm living in, and it has become a home to me. When you wrote your last message before this one, I think a part of the roof came down and hit me on the head. But now I feel I can stand up again and stick the part back to its place."
I will never expect anything from you which I wouldn't expect from myself, maybe that's why I was sad that you didn't even try to apply. But I shouldn't be, because every time I think about me going to Moscow, it only lasts for a very short time, because I have no idea how to even try and start to make this possible.
This is a place I'm living in, and it has become a home to me. When you wrote your last message before this one, I think a part of the roof came down and hit me on the head. But now I feel I can stand up again and stick the part back to its place."
I will never expect anything from you which I wouldn't expect from myself, maybe that's why I was sad that you didn't even try to apply. But I shouldn't be, because every time I think about me going to Moscow, it only lasts for a very short time, because I have no idea how to even try and start to make this possible.
"I didn't want to make you sad. Sometimes I feel like I sink in this uncertainty. But I think I'll find a right place as you have. And I'm sure in one thing. It doesn' t really matter where I will live and what job I will have, I just want to have a true family.
Thank you for your care. Everyhing you write is very important to me. If someday you decide to go to Moscow, I'll be very happy to see you. Maybe I'll have an opportunity to come to London as I planned the last year.
When will you return to London?"
Thank you for your care. Everyhing you write is very important to me. If someday you decide to go to Moscow, I'll be very happy to see you. Maybe I'll have an opportunity to come to London as I planned the last year.
When will you return to London?"
"I've asked you about London because I'll be in Germany for about four days in the end of July. Yes we should discuss everything!!! Write to me as soon as you'll have any information about your holidays. And I'll also have one free week in september or october so may be it'll be possible for me to visit London."
"It will be grate
I'll meet you at the airport."
I'll meet you at the airport."
But then she returned from Germany, and two days afterwards she shared a Youtube-Video, on her Russian Facebook equivalent page, with 700 pictures of her with another guy. I couldn't believe it! They weren't kissing, but it looked very intimate. And I found out that she went there not for four days, but ten! I was already on the brink of madness, but decided to ask her myself before confronting her with anger etc.
"How are you? And how was your trip? Why did you not have the strength to tell me before your trip who you would be going with? Do you still want me to come to Moscow?"
"Hey! I'm okay, thank you and the trip was nice. What about Moscow it should be your decision. As for me I want you to come as a friend. I agreed with my chief about free time during your stay in Moscow and waiting for you."
What would your next step have been here? I went completely nuts. And I think I destroyed everything now. She is indeed in a relationship with this guy, for how long I don't know. It just doesn't fit into my head, as I know that what she wrote before was honest, because there were so many exclamation marks she never uses, because it looked all so genuine, because of all the fitting poems. The only possibility that makes some sense is that she didn't want to hurt me. But that makes no sense, because she wouldn't have let me come to Moscow and wouldn't have suggested to visit me in London then, right? Am I missing something here or is this the worst possible behaviour from her side, playing with my hopes like this. She must have known what I felt, after that hope quote (and so many other things I wrote to her not mentioned here). Or did I see something in her messages that isn't really there? It's the worst behaviour I have ever experienced in my life I think
Comment