So.. I was cleaning my e-mail inbox today and I saw some of her mails. I stupid enough to opened it thou.
You see, it started from an accident. She added friend me through Facebook, accidentally. We had no mutual friends nor related to each other whatsoever.
But yeah, it just happened.
One day, I saw her Profile Picture on Facebook and somehow I felt her loneliness. She was smiling in the picture thou, but her eyes, it was so sad.
I guess it was true that sad/lonely people find each other.
So I started by a comment, "Hey, you are beautiful, but somehow you look so sad, I hope you feel better". And that was how it all started.
A day later, she texted me on Facebook saying "hi". As the conversation went, she started to ask why would I think she was sad. I said because of her eyes which was the truth.
And then, she started to tell me about her depression, and right in that moment I knew I wanted to be with her. I understood it would be hard but I wanted to go through hardness and helped her. I wanted her to feel better.
After a week or so, we started the LDR. She was in So-Cal, 8 hours drive away from me. I wasn't have driving license by then though. She was 15, I was 17. She was a depressed girl, I was just a hopeless guy.
Day by day, I rushed home from school and turn on my laptop as soon as possible to Skype with her. Her voice was beautiful and I thought it was all I ever wanted to hear.
We called each other every single day and as soon as we could. In the morning when I woke up, lunch time in school, after shcool til midnight. It was really happy, I loved her so much.
Then, one day she said she was unsure about her feelings. And then we fought, we broke up, she said she wouldn't want to messed up my family. (This was because my cousin, also has a feelings for her. And later on, I knew she was unsure about him or me. I was really mad though.)
I wouldn't know what happened and why would she say that. She said it was all her fault and no matter how much I begged for explain, she wouldn't answer. And that was our 1st broke up.
That 2 days were hell. I hoped she will be fine though.
After 2 days, my cousin came and said she wanted to talked to me on the phone (the one that likes her also). I wouldn't understand, why would she told him but didn't call me instead? But it didn't matter, I called her right away and she was crying. I was sad, so sad that couldn't even speak. It was a long cry on the phone and finally she said "I love you" and I said me too. And things started getting back to normal.
2 months later, her depression was acting up and she somehow was not the person I once knew. Her attitude, her behavior was changed. Like she was a completely different person. And that was the last time we've ever talked. She just left me, blocked me through any communication. I was not even sure why did we broke up. I was lost, you know, like how you were so into something and bam, every thing changed and you just stay there with a fuckload of questions. I started to lose my internship, got bad grades. Every worst things in life came to me. I wouldn't even know should I got mad or sad. I was so confused.
Stupid isn't it. This wasn't a love story, it's a childish "love". Now everything I do reminds me of her. It's hard for me to open to someone, it's hard for me to trust someone. All I can blame right now is my stupidity to give her all I had. It has been 1 year and 8 months and I still miss her. I don't even know. I know for sure she is happy right now and she won't remember me. I know that I don't love her anymore, but somehow the past keep prevent me from moving on to someone else, and that makes me frustrated. I want to be loved just like everyone else. I don't want to be lonely but I don't know. I guess I have given up on find love and just live until it finds me.
You see, it started from an accident. She added friend me through Facebook, accidentally. We had no mutual friends nor related to each other whatsoever.
But yeah, it just happened.
One day, I saw her Profile Picture on Facebook and somehow I felt her loneliness. She was smiling in the picture thou, but her eyes, it was so sad.
I guess it was true that sad/lonely people find each other.
So I started by a comment, "Hey, you are beautiful, but somehow you look so sad, I hope you feel better". And that was how it all started.
A day later, she texted me on Facebook saying "hi". As the conversation went, she started to ask why would I think she was sad. I said because of her eyes which was the truth.
And then, she started to tell me about her depression, and right in that moment I knew I wanted to be with her. I understood it would be hard but I wanted to go through hardness and helped her. I wanted her to feel better.
After a week or so, we started the LDR. She was in So-Cal, 8 hours drive away from me. I wasn't have driving license by then though. She was 15, I was 17. She was a depressed girl, I was just a hopeless guy.
Day by day, I rushed home from school and turn on my laptop as soon as possible to Skype with her. Her voice was beautiful and I thought it was all I ever wanted to hear.
We called each other every single day and as soon as we could. In the morning when I woke up, lunch time in school, after shcool til midnight. It was really happy, I loved her so much.
Then, one day she said she was unsure about her feelings. And then we fought, we broke up, she said she wouldn't want to messed up my family. (This was because my cousin, also has a feelings for her. And later on, I knew she was unsure about him or me. I was really mad though.)
I wouldn't know what happened and why would she say that. She said it was all her fault and no matter how much I begged for explain, she wouldn't answer. And that was our 1st broke up.
That 2 days were hell. I hoped she will be fine though.
After 2 days, my cousin came and said she wanted to talked to me on the phone (the one that likes her also). I wouldn't understand, why would she told him but didn't call me instead? But it didn't matter, I called her right away and she was crying. I was sad, so sad that couldn't even speak. It was a long cry on the phone and finally she said "I love you" and I said me too. And things started getting back to normal.
2 months later, her depression was acting up and she somehow was not the person I once knew. Her attitude, her behavior was changed. Like she was a completely different person. And that was the last time we've ever talked. She just left me, blocked me through any communication. I was not even sure why did we broke up. I was lost, you know, like how you were so into something and bam, every thing changed and you just stay there with a fuckload of questions. I started to lose my internship, got bad grades. Every worst things in life came to me. I wouldn't even know should I got mad or sad. I was so confused.
Stupid isn't it. This wasn't a love story, it's a childish "love". Now everything I do reminds me of her. It's hard for me to open to someone, it's hard for me to trust someone. All I can blame right now is my stupidity to give her all I had. It has been 1 year and 8 months and I still miss her. I don't even know. I know for sure she is happy right now and she won't remember me. I know that I don't love her anymore, but somehow the past keep prevent me from moving on to someone else, and that makes me frustrated. I want to be loved just like everyone else. I don't want to be lonely but I don't know. I guess I have given up on find love and just live until it finds me.