For half my life and still going. My soul mate.
My story starts almost a decade ago. I do not know what time of year or exactly the year. I was 10-11 years old and I had just started getting into anime since YTV (a Canadian youth channel) started having an anime special every Friday. One show in particular drew me in, (though nowadays it makes me sad I liked it so much) the show was Inuyasha. Its the typical story. A half breed reject is bitter and hateful, an average school girl who happens to be very special, romantic tension and because it was a kids anime a never ending story that almost never expands on its characters other than adding more and more tragic back story.
I have always been into computers and electronics so its fitting that in my youth I had gotten involved in Neopets. Simple, fun and FULL of stuff near impossible to get. They have a guild feature where you can join or create a group for any subject or personality type. I happened to have joined an Inuyasha guild. They had discussions and role plays etc. All the typical more otaku style things.
One evening I had stayed up to join in an RP as my favorite perverted character Miroku, I had an emotional evening connecting to the in show romance Sango. Played by would you guess it...
My ladies close friend at the time. (Thought you'd hear a love at first text story?)
We had hit it off a little adding our own emotions to the evening and ended up connecting on msn, yim or aim (I am not quite sure which one. I've had them all for a very long time.)
Over time we eventually grew to enjoy eachother and decided to try dating. Things went well for a while aside from a very very harsh April fools prank of a breakup and I eventually met her friend. The girl that I now think of every morning and every night indefinitely.
She had supported my dating of her friend giving me tips and hints to her sensitive areas, behind her neck and blowing in her ear. My being very accommodating and un-judgemental just enjoyed the oddness of being told advice on a girls romantic areas from another girl.
Time passed and I had befriended this girl, slowly but surely drifting away from the one who introduced me to her. Finally becoming close close friends. We never judged, we never made fun of eachother and we just talked. Talked and talked and talked every day for most of the day, sharing secrets, beliefs, dreams, emotions, everything. Never did we fear for what the other would think as we already knew they'd be supportive and deep about it. Be it a mutual interest or not we would immerse ourselves in the topic and discuss how we felt about it, what would make it interesting to us and how we understood how it'd be an attractive thing.
She was like me. We were both guardians, mature, supportive. All we wanted was to help and make those important to us feel good and not have to worry about the crippling misery that life likes to throw in our way all the time. Through that we were able to connect more than I have with anyone else. A highway from soul to soul, unblocked and open.
Much of the time there were many many troubling events going on in her life, from loves treating her horribly, to people talking down to her, to catastrophic forbidding of contact with people. It was a batting cage without a bat. It devastated me to see her suffer and only be able to support her in word and intention.
We were able to survive that time, allowing her to remove her self hatred and begin to enjoy herself solely for being her. I knew I did.
During that time the only real way we were able to connect romantically was through text in thee form of roleplay and eventually on web cam. (I don't need to get into detail about this as I assume many of you already know what its like)
It was really our only release and sanctuary from all the problems surrounding our lives. We were able to detach and once again just enjoy the connection we have established.
Also during that time she had revealed to me her attraction to bdsm, bondage and the emotional connections they create. Allowing yourself to be completely vulnerable in the hands of thee person and letting them guide, instruct and do as they desire.
That resonated with me deeply as I could feel the connection with her and understood deeply that desire to share such vulnerabilities. They branched out from heavy pressure from adults and teachers and whatnot so it was mentally therapeutic to be able to submit to a power that wasn't scheming to hurt her and manipulate her to their design. I was someone who could never imagine hurting her ever and would protect her regardless of hats going on.
I became her 'master'. It wasn't a full-time job nor is it a permanent title. Just a street in which to connect and to vent emotions while also deepening our love.
Finally after 7-8 years of distance, pressures of life, scary points, passionate points there was a massive earthquake in our way of life. Her mother had been viciously pushing her to move out. Relentlessly arguing, yelling, accusing about everything from sleeping habits to dishes. Her emotions were frayed and she was critical. Finally the meltdown happened and she was going into lock-down. Telling me she doesn't care about anything and she's just gunna log off forever and go to a mental institute and be useless like her mom says she is and all the horrible things. I argued against it telling her to calm down and think logically.
That night ended badly. She logged off and I sat there, unknowing of what I could possibly do. She's in the US and I'm in Canada...
She is coming here. That's it. There's nothing else that is allowed to happen. She is hurting and I NEED to help her now. Not in text. Not in intention. I need to hold her and love her and make her happy.
So I wrote out a check list. Simple, direct instructions. It wasn't an if or a but or any other excuse moment. I talked to my mom and explained the situation asking her if she can stay here until things calm down to which she supportive agreed. I contacted her local friend to go pick her up that day and help her pack up her stuff to leave that house and then when she woke up I firmly directed her to follow my instructions.
She didn't have any money, a passport or acceptance from her parents. At her friends house she got an express delivery passport as a charitable gift from her friend and it was a matter of waiting.
Finally her mom realized she was serious about this. Trying a few last times to snuff out her push to do this. It didn't work and she finally submitted. As her 19th birthday arrived her mom had bought her a nice suitcase and gave her a $100 prepaid credit card. Relinquished the passport (which got delivered there) that she had taken hostage and let her come.
At the airport after some stress time of worrying how her flight was and if she managed to get on the right planes a customs officer asked for me. My heart imploded and exploded at the same time shredding my senses to pieces. She asked how I met her and how long she was staying (to verify the story she had given the officer) and finally after she said good and walked off I was able to relax.
A devastatingly long amount of time passed as my friend and I watched people trickle out from the no access customs area and I finally saw the girl I love. It was shocking as it felt like I was picking up a friend from a weekend trip to BC or something. It was completely natural. In the car we cuddled and talked about the trip and how amazing it was to finally see eachother... It's indescribable.
For 3 months we lived together sleeping in the same bed spending the days together and not once did I get tired of her.
I was her first. I am more proud of that than anything else. (that's also all that needs to be said)
Then the night she had to go...
I was drowning in my tears, trembling and holding her as close to me as I could. My mom was driving us to the airport. (Thank god or I would have been blinded by tears and crashed) One of the most painful times of my life. I've only just recently recovered from it last week.
For the next month and a half I had felt disconnected for the first time in almost 8 years. I was still able to contact her, we still played games and talked on ventrilo. But there was something missing. We hadn't been very romantic but it was beyond that.
My soul was starving... and it hurt.
I slowly but surely slipped into depression. Not only had my dearest love left after such little time but some of my closest friends had also moved out and become distant. I was isolated and alone.
I started to get worse, being frustrated and angry about how I felt and why nothing we did made me feel better. I didn't wanna force intimacy or romance from her so I sat there. Looking through the window at what had brought me joy for almost half my life completely unable to feel that love.
I finally hit rock bottom. The night before she told me she has a hard time loving and she didn't know if she could 'love' me. Like love love, love me.
Ouch. I had just been wounded more than I possibly could have imagined.
Back to the day I hit rock bottom... we talked that morning about nothing too important to the story. I had to detach and give her generic unthought responses for every moment I thought about her I could feel my death surfacing. I sat in my chair for 5 hours with my eyes closed trying not to break down while I listened to the beautifully ambient The Album Leaf. Every once in a while a song would play that caused me to burst into tears. I didn't know why.
(The Album Leaf.)
This song in particular destroyed my brain as I tried to drown out my thoughts of misery and death with its haunting tone.
I spent another 2-3 hours laying in bed still listening to them.
I have always been into computers and electronics so its fitting that in my youth I had gotten involved in Neopets. Simple, fun and FULL of stuff near impossible to get. They have a guild feature where you can join or create a group for any subject or personality type. I happened to have joined an Inuyasha guild. They had discussions and role plays etc. All the typical more otaku style things.
One evening I had stayed up to join in an RP as my favorite perverted character Miroku, I had an emotional evening connecting to the in show romance Sango. Played by would you guess it...
My ladies close friend at the time. (Thought you'd hear a love at first text story?)
We had hit it off a little adding our own emotions to the evening and ended up connecting on msn, yim or aim (I am not quite sure which one. I've had them all for a very long time.)
Over time we eventually grew to enjoy eachother and decided to try dating. Things went well for a while aside from a very very harsh April fools prank of a breakup and I eventually met her friend. The girl that I now think of every morning and every night indefinitely.
She had supported my dating of her friend giving me tips and hints to her sensitive areas, behind her neck and blowing in her ear. My being very accommodating and un-judgemental just enjoyed the oddness of being told advice on a girls romantic areas from another girl.
Time passed and I had befriended this girl, slowly but surely drifting away from the one who introduced me to her. Finally becoming close close friends. We never judged, we never made fun of eachother and we just talked. Talked and talked and talked every day for most of the day, sharing secrets, beliefs, dreams, emotions, everything. Never did we fear for what the other would think as we already knew they'd be supportive and deep about it. Be it a mutual interest or not we would immerse ourselves in the topic and discuss how we felt about it, what would make it interesting to us and how we understood how it'd be an attractive thing.
She was like me. We were both guardians, mature, supportive. All we wanted was to help and make those important to us feel good and not have to worry about the crippling misery that life likes to throw in our way all the time. Through that we were able to connect more than I have with anyone else. A highway from soul to soul, unblocked and open.
Much of the time there were many many troubling events going on in her life, from loves treating her horribly, to people talking down to her, to catastrophic forbidding of contact with people. It was a batting cage without a bat. It devastated me to see her suffer and only be able to support her in word and intention.
We were able to survive that time, allowing her to remove her self hatred and begin to enjoy herself solely for being her. I knew I did.
During that time the only real way we were able to connect romantically was through text in thee form of roleplay and eventually on web cam. (I don't need to get into detail about this as I assume many of you already know what its like)
It was really our only release and sanctuary from all the problems surrounding our lives. We were able to detach and once again just enjoy the connection we have established.
Also during that time she had revealed to me her attraction to bdsm, bondage and the emotional connections they create. Allowing yourself to be completely vulnerable in the hands of thee person and letting them guide, instruct and do as they desire.
That resonated with me deeply as I could feel the connection with her and understood deeply that desire to share such vulnerabilities. They branched out from heavy pressure from adults and teachers and whatnot so it was mentally therapeutic to be able to submit to a power that wasn't scheming to hurt her and manipulate her to their design. I was someone who could never imagine hurting her ever and would protect her regardless of hats going on.
I became her 'master'. It wasn't a full-time job nor is it a permanent title. Just a street in which to connect and to vent emotions while also deepening our love.
Finally after 7-8 years of distance, pressures of life, scary points, passionate points there was a massive earthquake in our way of life. Her mother had been viciously pushing her to move out. Relentlessly arguing, yelling, accusing about everything from sleeping habits to dishes. Her emotions were frayed and she was critical. Finally the meltdown happened and she was going into lock-down. Telling me she doesn't care about anything and she's just gunna log off forever and go to a mental institute and be useless like her mom says she is and all the horrible things. I argued against it telling her to calm down and think logically.
That night ended badly. She logged off and I sat there, unknowing of what I could possibly do. She's in the US and I'm in Canada...
She is coming here. That's it. There's nothing else that is allowed to happen. She is hurting and I NEED to help her now. Not in text. Not in intention. I need to hold her and love her and make her happy.
So I wrote out a check list. Simple, direct instructions. It wasn't an if or a but or any other excuse moment. I talked to my mom and explained the situation asking her if she can stay here until things calm down to which she supportive agreed. I contacted her local friend to go pick her up that day and help her pack up her stuff to leave that house and then when she woke up I firmly directed her to follow my instructions.
She didn't have any money, a passport or acceptance from her parents. At her friends house she got an express delivery passport as a charitable gift from her friend and it was a matter of waiting.
Finally her mom realized she was serious about this. Trying a few last times to snuff out her push to do this. It didn't work and she finally submitted. As her 19th birthday arrived her mom had bought her a nice suitcase and gave her a $100 prepaid credit card. Relinquished the passport (which got delivered there) that she had taken hostage and let her come.
At the airport after some stress time of worrying how her flight was and if she managed to get on the right planes a customs officer asked for me. My heart imploded and exploded at the same time shredding my senses to pieces. She asked how I met her and how long she was staying (to verify the story she had given the officer) and finally after she said good and walked off I was able to relax.
A devastatingly long amount of time passed as my friend and I watched people trickle out from the no access customs area and I finally saw the girl I love. It was shocking as it felt like I was picking up a friend from a weekend trip to BC or something. It was completely natural. In the car we cuddled and talked about the trip and how amazing it was to finally see eachother... It's indescribable.
For 3 months we lived together sleeping in the same bed spending the days together and not once did I get tired of her.
I was her first. I am more proud of that than anything else. (that's also all that needs to be said)
Then the night she had to go...
I was drowning in my tears, trembling and holding her as close to me as I could. My mom was driving us to the airport. (Thank god or I would have been blinded by tears and crashed) One of the most painful times of my life. I've only just recently recovered from it last week.
For the next month and a half I had felt disconnected for the first time in almost 8 years. I was still able to contact her, we still played games and talked on ventrilo. But there was something missing. We hadn't been very romantic but it was beyond that.
My soul was starving... and it hurt.
I slowly but surely slipped into depression. Not only had my dearest love left after such little time but some of my closest friends had also moved out and become distant. I was isolated and alone.
I started to get worse, being frustrated and angry about how I felt and why nothing we did made me feel better. I didn't wanna force intimacy or romance from her so I sat there. Looking through the window at what had brought me joy for almost half my life completely unable to feel that love.
I finally hit rock bottom. The night before she told me she has a hard time loving and she didn't know if she could 'love' me. Like love love, love me.
Ouch. I had just been wounded more than I possibly could have imagined.
Back to the day I hit rock bottom... we talked that morning about nothing too important to the story. I had to detach and give her generic unthought responses for every moment I thought about her I could feel my death surfacing. I sat in my chair for 5 hours with my eyes closed trying not to break down while I listened to the beautifully ambient The Album Leaf. Every once in a while a song would play that caused me to burst into tears. I didn't know why.
(The Album Leaf.)
This song in particular destroyed my brain as I tried to drown out my thoughts of misery and death with its haunting tone.
I spent another 2-3 hours laying in bed still listening to them.
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