I began dating Liam when I was just a sophomore in high school. I loved him so dearly back then, but towards the end of 2008 I discovered he'd been cheating on me. I broke things off and we went off and on for several months. I tried and tried to move on, going on dates with other guys, posting profiles on dating sites, and even going as far as to let my friends set me up on dates.
In the summer of 2009, I got a reply from one of my dating profiles from a guy named John. John was perfect for me on paper and we spent almost every night for two weeks straight up talking telling each other the story of our lives. But after those two weeks, I stopped talking to John and when he spent me an email asking me what had happened I simply replied saying I had gone back to Liam to try to work things out. John never wrote me back after that. I wrote in my blog of him, "John's perfect for me, but I could never love another man the way I have loved Liam."
So I went and saw Liam and that very same day we got back together. A week went by and honestly, I was lonelier than I have ever been. I felt as if I'd lost something tremendously important and I'd forgive regret if I didn't find what it was. I wrote to John not expecting a word in return, but I needed something from him, the friendship I so badly craved, so I take a chance with nothing to lose.
He wrote back, but admitted honestly, that I'd hurt him very badly. I explained as best I could my reasons for going back to Liam. I felt I had to. We had been together so very long and even if there could have been something wonderful between John and I, I felt I had to try to work things out with Liam. So we agreed to be just friends and we resumed our late night, all night, every night chatting sessions.
About a week later, I was at Liam's house lounging on his bed and I casually asked him if he minded if I looked at his phone. The alarm in his eyes told me of everything, but this felt very different than that winter before. I didn't feel any pain, any resentment, any shock, anything. He began with his excuses (read lies) and somehow or another we ended up going for a drive.
As we sat at the red light and he vowed to give up talking to every girl he knew if it would appease me, I realized that I wasn't willing to do the same. I wasn't willing to give up John for him. I loved John though I couldn't vocalize that even in my mind then, but I did and Liam seemed like some distant shadow encroaching on my happiness. As quickly and as wordlessly as possible, I ended things with Liam.
There was such a sense of relief then almost unlike anything I've ever felt before. I no longer had to watch my words with John or try to stop myself from feeling all the emotions I had for him. I didn't tell John right away that I had ended things with Liam because I wasn't sure I wanted to jump into a relationship with him so quickly, but after a few days, I told him and if he was overjoyed, which I'm guessing he was, he didn't show any sign of it to me.
We began then seriously and not so seriously discussing the possibility of a relationship between the two of us. John lived a few hours away from me and we both acknowledged that neither one of us thought it would be fair to be in a long distance relationship, but John was willing to move to be with me even though we'd only known each other a month and a half and hadn't met at that point.
John and I finally met, maybe a week or so after that, the day before his birthday. The minute I saw him I knew. I don't know how I knew, but I just did. It was something in his face and his eyes that seemed so familiar and kind. I moved to be with him a month after that and we lived together for financial reasons for the next year +.
Seven months ago, I decided that I wanted to go back to college. I had stopped going shortly before meeting John and I felt that it was pertinent to my future and our future that I went back to finish my education. Six months ago, I moved away to do just that [back to the town that I was originally from].
I've spent the past six months more or less crying every other day. I have never missed anyone the way I've missed John. He's my best friend and life seems very gray without him by my side. I'm very much looking forward to finishing up this semester of school and then, I'm hoping to move again to be with John and then six months after that we'll be moving again for John's work.
I suppose I've joined this forum in search of some support in dealing with things. Plus, I've been lurking and I think you all are wonderful.
In the summer of 2009, I got a reply from one of my dating profiles from a guy named John. John was perfect for me on paper and we spent almost every night for two weeks straight up talking telling each other the story of our lives. But after those two weeks, I stopped talking to John and when he spent me an email asking me what had happened I simply replied saying I had gone back to Liam to try to work things out. John never wrote me back after that. I wrote in my blog of him, "John's perfect for me, but I could never love another man the way I have loved Liam."
So I went and saw Liam and that very same day we got back together. A week went by and honestly, I was lonelier than I have ever been. I felt as if I'd lost something tremendously important and I'd forgive regret if I didn't find what it was. I wrote to John not expecting a word in return, but I needed something from him, the friendship I so badly craved, so I take a chance with nothing to lose.
He wrote back, but admitted honestly, that I'd hurt him very badly. I explained as best I could my reasons for going back to Liam. I felt I had to. We had been together so very long and even if there could have been something wonderful between John and I, I felt I had to try to work things out with Liam. So we agreed to be just friends and we resumed our late night, all night, every night chatting sessions.
About a week later, I was at Liam's house lounging on his bed and I casually asked him if he minded if I looked at his phone. The alarm in his eyes told me of everything, but this felt very different than that winter before. I didn't feel any pain, any resentment, any shock, anything. He began with his excuses (read lies) and somehow or another we ended up going for a drive.
As we sat at the red light and he vowed to give up talking to every girl he knew if it would appease me, I realized that I wasn't willing to do the same. I wasn't willing to give up John for him. I loved John though I couldn't vocalize that even in my mind then, but I did and Liam seemed like some distant shadow encroaching on my happiness. As quickly and as wordlessly as possible, I ended things with Liam.
There was such a sense of relief then almost unlike anything I've ever felt before. I no longer had to watch my words with John or try to stop myself from feeling all the emotions I had for him. I didn't tell John right away that I had ended things with Liam because I wasn't sure I wanted to jump into a relationship with him so quickly, but after a few days, I told him and if he was overjoyed, which I'm guessing he was, he didn't show any sign of it to me.
We began then seriously and not so seriously discussing the possibility of a relationship between the two of us. John lived a few hours away from me and we both acknowledged that neither one of us thought it would be fair to be in a long distance relationship, but John was willing to move to be with me even though we'd only known each other a month and a half and hadn't met at that point.
John and I finally met, maybe a week or so after that, the day before his birthday. The minute I saw him I knew. I don't know how I knew, but I just did. It was something in his face and his eyes that seemed so familiar and kind. I moved to be with him a month after that and we lived together for financial reasons for the next year +.
Seven months ago, I decided that I wanted to go back to college. I had stopped going shortly before meeting John and I felt that it was pertinent to my future and our future that I went back to finish my education. Six months ago, I moved away to do just that [back to the town that I was originally from].
I've spent the past six months more or less crying every other day. I have never missed anyone the way I've missed John. He's my best friend and life seems very gray without him by my side. I'm very much looking forward to finishing up this semester of school and then, I'm hoping to move again to be with John and then six months after that we'll be moving again for John's work.
I suppose I've joined this forum in search of some support in dealing with things. Plus, I've been lurking and I think you all are wonderful.
<3
Comment