Hi all! New here because I wanted to share my story My long distance partner of three years (distanced for two of those) lied about losing his job, moving to a different continent, and dying of cancer – all because he was living a double life the whole time.
I should start by saying that I don't mean to alarm anyone. I assume my story is unique in LDR terms (though double lives are surprisingly common among couples in general, I've since learned). But it's a unique story I think should be told.
My partner's lies served the purpose of creating the distance in the first place, then extending the length of it. I told him from the start I don't believe in LDR's unless there's a fixed end date, a light at the end of the tunnel. I now know that they can work even without that, but in my case it was doomed before it even began and I had no idea that was the case.
How We Met
I was a backpacker in Australia. He was a successful surgeon from Taiwan. It was a rich meets poor kind of thing, and he liked me because unlike his exes who got free Gucci bags and clothes I didn't care about his money. I told him (lovingly) that I would slap him if he gave me a gift like that. I liked him because he was so sweet, understood me like only my best friends did, and shared my life goal: to start a family.
Lie #1: How The Distance Started
This was actually not all on him, but my situation worked out in his favor. I'm from Sweden and was only in Australia for a year. I was offered a job in London and chose my career over love. He tried to convince me to stay, but that's when I told him I didn't believe in LDR's. The job would last indefinitely, so I didn't see how it could work.
After some time in the UK, however, I realized I had made a mistake. I was miserable and the only light was the daily chats with my now ex partner. It's cliché to say, but I thought leaving him was the biggest mistake of my life. I had left the man I loved.
So I told him I loved him and asked if we could get back together. I could return to Australia, to move in with him like he had begged me to do. I worried it was too late but he claimed to be over the moon about this news.
That's when his first lie came: I couldn't return straight away, because he had just lost his job due to an elbow injury. He needed to figure things out first, to know where he would live and what he would do with his life, and with the apartment he had asked me to move in to. So I stayed in London to wait, and a long distance relationship was formed.
Lie #2: His Mental Health Issues
The distance wasn't a problem at first, because even though we didn't have a fixed date we did have an end goal: wherever he could get a job that lived up to his high standard, I would follow. I value my indepence and pushed for a country I could legally live and work in too, but I've always been a traveller and would be excited for anywhere. I've always taken work seriously too, but unlike him I hadn't studied a decade for a specific career.
But then more and more excuses to prolong the distance would come. First, it took suspiciously long to find that new job. He came to visit but would never let me do the same, always saying that now was not a good time. After several months I said that this isn't working, I'm coming over!
He then revealed something he had previously only hinted at: he was bipolar and took pills, and the loss of his career had caused him to spiral into a depression. He had been too ashamed to show me this. He was not well, mentally, and his exes had all run away when they learned just how unstable he was. He was afraid to lose me too.
He revealed that simultaneously to me pushing to end the distance his parents were pushing for him to move to Los Angeles, where he had family who could take care of him. He claimed to feel pressure from all sides and that I was only making things worse, because he loved me so much and wanted to make me happy. In the US, we both knew, I couldn't legally live and work without marriage, and possibly not even then.
I decided not to be like his exes. I showed my full support. If he needed more time to get help, I would be there for him. We loved each other.
Lie #3: The Move to Los Angeles
Eventually he did find a job, as a professor teaching general surgery at UCLA. I was happy for him. I had been to his grandparents graves and visited his uncle's business in the city, so I knew he had strong ties to the place. It's not the country I would have chosen, but his parents really wanted this – and I could always visit, as often and for as long as possible. I had a job but I didn't have a career to hold me back.
Lie #4: Homophobic & Asian Parents
There was only one problem: he was not out to his parents. Coming from a traditional Chinese background love was not to be publicly displayed, and gay love was out of the question. I had actually met his parents once, but it was early in our relationship and it had been my own suggestion to only introduce us as friends – because I was leaving Australia anyway and our relationship would end when I left.
He was staying with his uncle in LA, under instructions from his parents who wanted someone to keep a close eye on him. I couldn't stay there too because he would then have to come out to them. He would need to do that at some point anyway, I argued, but considering his mental health it wasn't a good time to push for it.
Later, when our situation had become more strained because it was dragging on for far too long, he used his parents again: they now did know that there was someone he was seeing in Europe, but the parents strongly wanted him to break up with me because I was only making things worse. We both knew that it was the distance between us, not me as such, that made him feel worse. I argued that closing the distance might even help him get through the depression. But his parents didn't see it that way, and he aid that "to an Asian, family is everything".
This is when I first began to question things. Was I not family too?
Lie #5: The Overdose
At one point I came to a conclusion: my partner had every opportunity to let me visit, but I was never allowed to. He always came to me, and when he did it was wonderful, but something was off. He knew all my friends and family, they loved him and he loved them, but I knew none of his. He claimed to be too focused on work to have real friends besides me. And the family, well, we know what excuses he used there.
So eventually I said enough is enough. "Either you let me visit now, or we end the distance and move to the same city, or you need to tell me you don't love me and we break up here and now."
He then went into panic mode. Rather than saying those simple words he pulled out all the stops to keep me hooked. He claimed he loved me more than anything, that he wanted nothing more than for us to finally start the life we always talked about, and that his mental health was worse than ever. He was depressed again because life wasn't going the way he wanted, took more pills than before, and was seeing multiple psychologists. Both him and his parents had spent a fortune on medical help in LA, something he had never told me about before.
Then, he disappeared for three days. It was the longest we had gone without any form of contact since the day we met around two years earlier.
I was worried. Had something happened? If there had been an accident there was no one who could contact me even if they wanted to. In hindsight, I now know what a foolish situation I had put myself in. But to this day I still honestly believe I did the right things, IF any of what he had told me up until this point had actually been true. He had me and my family utterly fooled with his calculated and well-planned lies.
I would soon learn what had happened: dpressed by the distance and pressure from work and family, and bipolar like he had always been, some colleagues had taken him out to cheer him up. He had overdosed on pills and alcohol. His uncle had found him passed out on the floor. He was now in a private rehab center in Malibu, surrounded by doctors and his wealthy family.
I knew what this meant: I couldn't visit, only support him from afar. I was dumb enough to continue to do just that.
Lie #6: Marriage
My partner eventually recovered, and he was surprised to find me still being there for him once he did. He had once again expected me to do what his exes all did, but I was determined to prove to him that I wasn't like them. If he had ever told me he didn't want this relationship I would probably have realized much sooner that he used the overdose as an excuse, but he came out showering me with love and praise for having stood by him the way I did. Our love was stronger than ever, and eventually we started talking about marriage.
Having been through so much already, things were now clearer: the distance had to end. He had lost his job as a professor from being sick and away for so long, and the world was suddenly wide open to us. We were madly in love and could go anywhere. Marriage was on the table both for love and as a means to be able to live and work in the same country. We had been together for quite some time, only part of which was long distance, and it was a natural next step.
He claimed it was the only thing on his mind, the only thing he wanted right now (more than the career that had previously meant so much to him), and the only thing that kept him sane. It would end all out suffering so far, and our real life together could finally begin.
It was yet another lie.
[Too long for one post, sorry... continuing in the next one]
I should start by saying that I don't mean to alarm anyone. I assume my story is unique in LDR terms (though double lives are surprisingly common among couples in general, I've since learned). But it's a unique story I think should be told.
My partner's lies served the purpose of creating the distance in the first place, then extending the length of it. I told him from the start I don't believe in LDR's unless there's a fixed end date, a light at the end of the tunnel. I now know that they can work even without that, but in my case it was doomed before it even began and I had no idea that was the case.
How We Met
I was a backpacker in Australia. He was a successful surgeon from Taiwan. It was a rich meets poor kind of thing, and he liked me because unlike his exes who got free Gucci bags and clothes I didn't care about his money. I told him (lovingly) that I would slap him if he gave me a gift like that. I liked him because he was so sweet, understood me like only my best friends did, and shared my life goal: to start a family.
Lie #1: How The Distance Started
This was actually not all on him, but my situation worked out in his favor. I'm from Sweden and was only in Australia for a year. I was offered a job in London and chose my career over love. He tried to convince me to stay, but that's when I told him I didn't believe in LDR's. The job would last indefinitely, so I didn't see how it could work.
After some time in the UK, however, I realized I had made a mistake. I was miserable and the only light was the daily chats with my now ex partner. It's cliché to say, but I thought leaving him was the biggest mistake of my life. I had left the man I loved.
So I told him I loved him and asked if we could get back together. I could return to Australia, to move in with him like he had begged me to do. I worried it was too late but he claimed to be over the moon about this news.
That's when his first lie came: I couldn't return straight away, because he had just lost his job due to an elbow injury. He needed to figure things out first, to know where he would live and what he would do with his life, and with the apartment he had asked me to move in to. So I stayed in London to wait, and a long distance relationship was formed.
Lie #2: His Mental Health Issues
The distance wasn't a problem at first, because even though we didn't have a fixed date we did have an end goal: wherever he could get a job that lived up to his high standard, I would follow. I value my indepence and pushed for a country I could legally live and work in too, but I've always been a traveller and would be excited for anywhere. I've always taken work seriously too, but unlike him I hadn't studied a decade for a specific career.
But then more and more excuses to prolong the distance would come. First, it took suspiciously long to find that new job. He came to visit but would never let me do the same, always saying that now was not a good time. After several months I said that this isn't working, I'm coming over!
He then revealed something he had previously only hinted at: he was bipolar and took pills, and the loss of his career had caused him to spiral into a depression. He had been too ashamed to show me this. He was not well, mentally, and his exes had all run away when they learned just how unstable he was. He was afraid to lose me too.
He revealed that simultaneously to me pushing to end the distance his parents were pushing for him to move to Los Angeles, where he had family who could take care of him. He claimed to feel pressure from all sides and that I was only making things worse, because he loved me so much and wanted to make me happy. In the US, we both knew, I couldn't legally live and work without marriage, and possibly not even then.
I decided not to be like his exes. I showed my full support. If he needed more time to get help, I would be there for him. We loved each other.
Lie #3: The Move to Los Angeles
Eventually he did find a job, as a professor teaching general surgery at UCLA. I was happy for him. I had been to his grandparents graves and visited his uncle's business in the city, so I knew he had strong ties to the place. It's not the country I would have chosen, but his parents really wanted this – and I could always visit, as often and for as long as possible. I had a job but I didn't have a career to hold me back.
Lie #4: Homophobic & Asian Parents
There was only one problem: he was not out to his parents. Coming from a traditional Chinese background love was not to be publicly displayed, and gay love was out of the question. I had actually met his parents once, but it was early in our relationship and it had been my own suggestion to only introduce us as friends – because I was leaving Australia anyway and our relationship would end when I left.
He was staying with his uncle in LA, under instructions from his parents who wanted someone to keep a close eye on him. I couldn't stay there too because he would then have to come out to them. He would need to do that at some point anyway, I argued, but considering his mental health it wasn't a good time to push for it.
Later, when our situation had become more strained because it was dragging on for far too long, he used his parents again: they now did know that there was someone he was seeing in Europe, but the parents strongly wanted him to break up with me because I was only making things worse. We both knew that it was the distance between us, not me as such, that made him feel worse. I argued that closing the distance might even help him get through the depression. But his parents didn't see it that way, and he aid that "to an Asian, family is everything".
This is when I first began to question things. Was I not family too?
Lie #5: The Overdose
At one point I came to a conclusion: my partner had every opportunity to let me visit, but I was never allowed to. He always came to me, and when he did it was wonderful, but something was off. He knew all my friends and family, they loved him and he loved them, but I knew none of his. He claimed to be too focused on work to have real friends besides me. And the family, well, we know what excuses he used there.
So eventually I said enough is enough. "Either you let me visit now, or we end the distance and move to the same city, or you need to tell me you don't love me and we break up here and now."
He then went into panic mode. Rather than saying those simple words he pulled out all the stops to keep me hooked. He claimed he loved me more than anything, that he wanted nothing more than for us to finally start the life we always talked about, and that his mental health was worse than ever. He was depressed again because life wasn't going the way he wanted, took more pills than before, and was seeing multiple psychologists. Both him and his parents had spent a fortune on medical help in LA, something he had never told me about before.
Then, he disappeared for three days. It was the longest we had gone without any form of contact since the day we met around two years earlier.
I was worried. Had something happened? If there had been an accident there was no one who could contact me even if they wanted to. In hindsight, I now know what a foolish situation I had put myself in. But to this day I still honestly believe I did the right things, IF any of what he had told me up until this point had actually been true. He had me and my family utterly fooled with his calculated and well-planned lies.
I would soon learn what had happened: dpressed by the distance and pressure from work and family, and bipolar like he had always been, some colleagues had taken him out to cheer him up. He had overdosed on pills and alcohol. His uncle had found him passed out on the floor. He was now in a private rehab center in Malibu, surrounded by doctors and his wealthy family.
I knew what this meant: I couldn't visit, only support him from afar. I was dumb enough to continue to do just that.
Lie #6: Marriage
My partner eventually recovered, and he was surprised to find me still being there for him once he did. He had once again expected me to do what his exes all did, but I was determined to prove to him that I wasn't like them. If he had ever told me he didn't want this relationship I would probably have realized much sooner that he used the overdose as an excuse, but he came out showering me with love and praise for having stood by him the way I did. Our love was stronger than ever, and eventually we started talking about marriage.
Having been through so much already, things were now clearer: the distance had to end. He had lost his job as a professor from being sick and away for so long, and the world was suddenly wide open to us. We were madly in love and could go anywhere. Marriage was on the table both for love and as a means to be able to live and work in the same country. We had been together for quite some time, only part of which was long distance, and it was a natural next step.
He claimed it was the only thing on his mind, the only thing he wanted right now (more than the career that had previously meant so much to him), and the only thing that kept him sane. It would end all out suffering so far, and our real life together could finally begin.
It was yet another lie.
[Too long for one post, sorry... continuing in the next one]
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