So the love of my life and me had a talk on the phone last night. My boyfriends always been a kind and caring individual especially to me but this time something felt off. Im a bit hormonal this month so I started crying over phone immediately about how I felt like I was getting bad thoughts and headaches a lot, and how it was stressing me out because I didn't know how to deal with all these thoughts that didn't feel like they were coming from me, like someone else was in my head constantly putting me down and saying I wasn't good enough in school, life, and with him. He explained how I was doing well in all three aspects and that I'd never have to worry about never being good enough for him, that he'd never break up with me because he loves me too much and because he knows how it would crush me and *he would never want me to go through pain like that. Anyway, we had a long chat where we explained what we'd do if either of us break up, and he hurt my feelings when he said he would "drown his sorrows in the next poor girl" he met, which obviously i wasn't ok with. But he said "Girls cry...and guys cry...but we just try to find anything to love us to fill up what we are hurting about, so even if I was with another girl I'd be crying and thinking of you" I don't know if that justifies it at all, considering he gave up his virginity for this very reason when his ex girlfriend dumped him...I don't like how my SO deals with his pain, having sex with a girl or hurting someone else is a no no. But then again, for me I always hurt myself when I was feeling sorrow. So we continued talking and eventually it all came down to his wanting to be in the military...how lately our relationship had not been making him happy cause he didn't want to be in control of both of our lives while over seas. And I mean that I basically overreacted on him one day and said if he died, then I would too and that when he's over there he will have both our lives on the line. *He confessed it was hard for him and he didn't want me so dependent on him for happiness. Which I get, but at the time I couldn't think of a life without him...which is why I kinda cried and told him if he went into military and didn't come back I didn't know what id do to myself...but it wouldn't be good. And he said not to make it into a Romeo & Juliet scenario and that if he had known this is what I was going to be like he wouldn't have gotten with me, which hurt me so bad but he explained that he couldn't bear the thought of me dying and rather I have not been with him to prevent even thoughts like that going to me.
Now we come down to my main reason for the post. He said he had been preparing himself ever since he was young to fight in the military, that he was developing a mind set of kill or be killed and kill without feeling. I know my SO and he's a good guy but last night he was so cynical I began to get scared and worried. He said that he felt like he was becoming more and more emotionless as time dragged on, that his love for everyone has dropped a little recently, including me though I am still *the number one thing he loves apparently. That he was losing faith in this world and almost becoming detached from feeling anything towards other people. And he has always promised me he would never take war back home with him, that those two things would live separate lives but he said he felt like he wouldn't be able to control it and it would affect his life with me... Then he said that lately he had been feeling less stressed out and happier which I thought was a good thing until he further explained that him being stressed out was always in his concerns of others, that he was protective 24/7 of either me or family so he had a kind of " guard dog" behavior of always watching out for others. He explained that now that he felt more happy and less stressed he began to feel like he didn't care, that nobody mattered enough to protect them anymore except me...I have no doubts the guy would take a bullet for me still. So he began to feel himself slipping from the normal.*
This concerns me a great deal because Chris has talked to me before about how shooting someone who did wrong wasn't an issue for him even if it had to be a child, that his mind has been ready for this career for ages. And I know that's not a glamourous quality in a man, but he sees it as defending his country, and i know they do have to have a level of mental status for the job. My main concern is all this becoming emotionless to everything...it worries us both a great deal because he feels like the more this person creeps into him the more he won't care about right and wrong anymore, that he may see cheating as an " ok" thing to do, or that hurting me in an emotional sense may happen, and a whole bunch of other stuff. I feel myself kinda freaking out because I love my SO and know he will change once he joins but I don't want him to become an emotionless husband to me, *I don't want him to change from what I fell in love with because he's a good man who tries hard and is under appreciated from a lot of people except me. This is a guy who sang "You are my sunshine" to me just a few days ago when we were sleeping for pete sake. He has been a kind, loyal, trusting and understanding individual and I don't want this military thing to destroy it. I told him I didn't believe it, I told him he'd always be the same to me...and when he came home there would only be love there waiting for him.*
But even with my strong belief things will be ok, I can't help but wonder if this is the start of something bad of if he was just tired, flunking a math class because instead of studying he was up talking to me and stressed out because I had been crying from almost everything we talked about prior to this... Yes I'm an emotional girl, If I'm upset I let him know haha. I don't know, the whole thing worries me and has given me nightmares about him not coming home or coming home and hurting me. He says he never would physically, but emotionally he may become detached and not be able to comfort me.*
Anyway everyone sorry I ranted but all in all what do you think...should I be concerned? I love my SO dearly, and I have been a very good influence in his life when it comes to his anger and feelings towards others, I bring out *things nobody ever sees from him. I love him enough to go through months of waiting for him, and worrying if he'll come back, and all the tears that come with it. I want to marry him and have our home together. But I'm worried about this not caring business. Chris loves me more than probably even I know, so I believe deep down he'll be ok as long as he comes home to open arms...but do any of you have SO's who get so....serious like this? Or is mine just "special", specifically military people, have they came back to you desensitized by war? Or treated you differently?*
I'm worried to say the very least that the world and this military career will beat out all of the things that make my SO such a wonder to have in my life.*
P.s. on the bright side I did stop him from being like this by using a small dog stuffed animal I bought him a very long time ago, I made it say I love you wuff wuff, and he said "I must really love you cause that did manage to make me smile now"*
Now we come down to my main reason for the post. He said he had been preparing himself ever since he was young to fight in the military, that he was developing a mind set of kill or be killed and kill without feeling. I know my SO and he's a good guy but last night he was so cynical I began to get scared and worried. He said that he felt like he was becoming more and more emotionless as time dragged on, that his love for everyone has dropped a little recently, including me though I am still *the number one thing he loves apparently. That he was losing faith in this world and almost becoming detached from feeling anything towards other people. And he has always promised me he would never take war back home with him, that those two things would live separate lives but he said he felt like he wouldn't be able to control it and it would affect his life with me... Then he said that lately he had been feeling less stressed out and happier which I thought was a good thing until he further explained that him being stressed out was always in his concerns of others, that he was protective 24/7 of either me or family so he had a kind of " guard dog" behavior of always watching out for others. He explained that now that he felt more happy and less stressed he began to feel like he didn't care, that nobody mattered enough to protect them anymore except me...I have no doubts the guy would take a bullet for me still. So he began to feel himself slipping from the normal.*
This concerns me a great deal because Chris has talked to me before about how shooting someone who did wrong wasn't an issue for him even if it had to be a child, that his mind has been ready for this career for ages. And I know that's not a glamourous quality in a man, but he sees it as defending his country, and i know they do have to have a level of mental status for the job. My main concern is all this becoming emotionless to everything...it worries us both a great deal because he feels like the more this person creeps into him the more he won't care about right and wrong anymore, that he may see cheating as an " ok" thing to do, or that hurting me in an emotional sense may happen, and a whole bunch of other stuff. I feel myself kinda freaking out because I love my SO and know he will change once he joins but I don't want him to become an emotionless husband to me, *I don't want him to change from what I fell in love with because he's a good man who tries hard and is under appreciated from a lot of people except me. This is a guy who sang "You are my sunshine" to me just a few days ago when we were sleeping for pete sake. He has been a kind, loyal, trusting and understanding individual and I don't want this military thing to destroy it. I told him I didn't believe it, I told him he'd always be the same to me...and when he came home there would only be love there waiting for him.*
But even with my strong belief things will be ok, I can't help but wonder if this is the start of something bad of if he was just tired, flunking a math class because instead of studying he was up talking to me and stressed out because I had been crying from almost everything we talked about prior to this... Yes I'm an emotional girl, If I'm upset I let him know haha. I don't know, the whole thing worries me and has given me nightmares about him not coming home or coming home and hurting me. He says he never would physically, but emotionally he may become detached and not be able to comfort me.*
Anyway everyone sorry I ranted but all in all what do you think...should I be concerned? I love my SO dearly, and I have been a very good influence in his life when it comes to his anger and feelings towards others, I bring out *things nobody ever sees from him. I love him enough to go through months of waiting for him, and worrying if he'll come back, and all the tears that come with it. I want to marry him and have our home together. But I'm worried about this not caring business. Chris loves me more than probably even I know, so I believe deep down he'll be ok as long as he comes home to open arms...but do any of you have SO's who get so....serious like this? Or is mine just "special", specifically military people, have they came back to you desensitized by war? Or treated you differently?*
I'm worried to say the very least that the world and this military career will beat out all of the things that make my SO such a wonder to have in my life.*
P.s. on the bright side I did stop him from being like this by using a small dog stuffed animal I bought him a very long time ago, I made it say I love you wuff wuff, and he said "I must really love you cause that did manage to make me smile now"*