My SO has gained a bit of weight...

[LadyDaemon]

Exactly Holl! Attractiveness fades but love is forever <3

This..

[Hollandia]

Speaking from personal experience, losing 20-65 pounds isn't that much. From biking/walking to work every day for a year (without dieting) I lost 30 pounds. It was only about 3 miles both ways. Now I have gotten out of the habit of working out due to new job, schedule, and etc. Though I've taken up a really basic diet, mostly pasta and rice in modest portions. I still drink soda, and have candy now and then. As well my SO and I's therapeutic Five Guys visit. I've still lost 30 pounds there as well. Point is smart eating can lead to weight loss, just as much as working out regularly can.

He can lose the weight, and you should talk to him. People may call you shallow, but I get it. Attraction is a big part of any relationship. I say stay with him, but help him fix the problem. There's always more that can be done.

50 pounds should not be enough to lose attractiveness to your mate. Attractiveness should not be all about physical appearance.

And sure he can lose all the weight, but he also might not, the question is can she handle that? Or if he gains more?

[Zantanada]

Speaking from personal experience, losing 20-65 pounds isn't that much. From biking/walking to work every day for a year (without dieting) I lost 30 pounds. It was only about 3 miles both ways. Now I have gotten out of the habit of working out due to new job, schedule, and etc. Though I've taken up a really basic diet, mostly pasta, some meats, and rice in modest portions (different diets work for different people). I still drink soda, and have candy now and then. As well my SO and I's therapeutic Five Guys visit. I've still lost 30 pounds there as well. Point is smart eating can lead to weight loss, just as much as working out regularly can.

He can lose the weight, and you should talk to him. People may call you shallow, but I get it. Attraction is a big part of any relationship. I say stay with him, but help him fix the problem. There's always more that can be done.

[Black_Halloween]

You are not getting the point that attractiveness will fade. Will you still love your mate when it does?

I have to say you still don't get the fact that if you pick a life partner you pick them for all their flaws.

I agree that it is totally up to her SO and tried to explain that. If it is a deal breaker for her, then she should leave. If he is fighting this battle now, there is no guarantee he won't have to fight it again later in life and in a stronger vain.

If the SO's being lighter takes such issue to it then she must decide if these factors are deal breakers for her or not. I am much lighter than my SO and no matter if he gained a hundred pounds I am going nowhere. Do I wish he would be able to lose the weight, sure, does it affect my level of love or attraction to him, no.

Exactly Holl! Attractiveness fades but love is forever <3

[sarahjane1992]

You are not getting the point that attractiveness will fade. Will you still love your mate when it does?

I have to say you still don't get the fact that if you pick a life partner you pick them for all their flaws.

I agree that it is totally up to her SO and tried to explain that. If it is a deal breaker for her, then she should leave. If he is fighting this battle now, there is no guarantee he won't have to fight it again later in life and in a stronger vain.

If the SO's being lighter takes such issue to it then she must decide if these factors are deal breakers for her or not. I am much lighter than my SO and no matter if he gained a hundred pounds I am going nowhere. Do I wish he would be able to lose the weight, sure, does it affect my level of love or attraction to him, no.

Exactly. This is on point!

[Hollandia]

Seeing people for their inner beauty and all their awesomeness is great and all but it rarely happens. We all make judgements on appearance and that's a fact. But it's clear that the OP does care for her boyfriend and is seeking advice.

The clear and obvious problem is that op's SO has to want to change for himself and until that revelation happens anything she does will probably be in vain.

Obviously people gain and loose weight throughout life. But weight affects a lot of things like activity level, sexual performance and your general mood especially when like the OP's SO was originally lighter.

You are not getting the point that attractiveness will fade. Will you still love your mate when it does?

I have to say you still don't get the fact that if you pick a life partner you pick them for all their flaws.

I agree that it is totally up to her SO and tried to explain that. If it is a deal breaker for her, then she should leave. If he is fighting this battle now, there is no guarantee he won't have to fight it again later in life and in a stronger vain.

If the SO's being lighter takes such issue to it then she must decide if these factors are deal breakers for her or not. I am much lighter than my SO and no matter if he gained a hundred pounds I am going nowhere. Do I wish he would be able to lose the weight, sure, does it affect my level of love or attraction to him, no.

[80anthea]

It is called being shallow.

If people are leaving thier SO's all the time for being shallow all the time, it is sad. I also agreed with it. No emotion involved, just sadness.

A preference over connection is a pretty way to rationalize being shallow. It is okay to be shallow but they should just admit it.

If you were married to your SO some ten years down the road and after a few kids and can't seem to drop the last 30 pounds he leaves you because of his preference of your condition, how will you feel then?

We are supposed to be in this for the long run. As we age, some go bald and some get fat and some have diseases or accidents that steal their attractiveness. I don't personally want a partner that will be dependent upon me meeting all his preferences. I want one that will love me for me.

50 pounds for any decent size guy is not that much weight and is not life threatening at all. It will be hard to lose but he may never lose it. She needs to decide if she is willing to stay with him if he never does. That much is a fact.

I agree with this. It's somewhat easier for me I suppose in that I totally fell for my SO before I'd even seen him as he didn't want to show me photos as he was really self-conscious. It turns out when I finally did see him in photos, videos and then real life that I did find him incredibly sexy but it was his mind and personality I fell in love with first and for me that will always be more important than what he looks like.

[LadyDaemon]

I would do as a couple of other people suggested,ask him what may have caused his weight gain and if he asks for your help,then help him. Just don't assume straight away that suddenly he gained weight simply because he has a desk job or just doesn't eat right,sometimes people gain weight because of emotional/personal issues. The worst thing you can do is say something to him about it assuming it must be strictly because he isn't active etc. an make an ass of yourself. Because then it not only makes him feel bad but then it can put strain on the relationship because then they may not feel good enough for you. I can attest to the fact that your emotions (if tied to food like it is for some people) will make weight gain happen,especially if there's any sort of depression involved. So,like I said just ask him why and if he asks for your help then do that for him.

[digitalfever]

It is called being shallow.

If people are leaving thier SO's all the time for being shallow all the time, it is sad. I also agreed with it. No emotion involved, just sadness.

A preference over connection is a pretty way to rationalize being shallow. It is okay to be shallow but they should just admit it.

If you were married to your SO some ten years down the road and after a few kids and can't seem to drop the last 30 pounds he leaves you because of his preference of your condition, how will you feel then?

We are supposed to be in this for the long run. As we age, some go bald and some get fat and some have diseases or accidents that steal their attractiveness. I don't personally want a partner that will be dependent upon me meeting all his preferences. I want one that will love me for me.

50 pounds for any decent size guy is not that much weight and is not life threatening at all. It will be hard to lose but he may never lose it. She needs to decide if she is willing to stay with him if he never does. That much is a fact.

Seeing people for their inner beauty and all their awesomeness is great and all but it rarely happens. We all make judgements on appearance and that's a fact. But it's clear that the OP does care for her boyfriend and is seeking advice.

The clear and obvious problem is that op's SO has to want to change for himself and until that revelation happens anything she does will probably be in vain.

Obviously people gain and loose weight throughout life. But weight affects a lot of things like activity level, sexual performance and your general mood especially when like the OP's SO was originally lighter.

I wouldn't be concerned that he gained 50 pounds, but I would be concerned about WHY he gained 50 pounds.

Did he really lose it because he got a desk job or did he gain 50 pounds because he has a bad diet? Is this more about your own health 'issues'?

I understand your concern. Gaining 50 pounds so quickly would cause me to worry as well. It isn't something minor and if the issue goes to his diet, it may even get worse. It is a touchy subject so I wish you well.

[Hollandia]

I don't see the immediate correlation between "I want my SO to loose weight because I'm less attracted to him" and "I want my SO to be pretty so that he looks great ALL THE TIME!!!!"


While one is shallow and totally emphasizes physicality over connection the other is simply a preference that has to do with the relationship as a whole.

People leave their partners all the time. I don't understand why everyone is so emotional?

It is called being shallow.

If people are leaving thier SO's all the time for being shallow all the time, it is sad. I also agreed with it. No emotion involved, just sadness.

A preference over connection is a pretty way to rationalize being shallow. It is okay to be shallow but they should just admit it.

If you were married to your SO some ten years down the road and after a few kids and can't seem to drop the last 30 pounds he leaves you because of his preference of your condition, how will you feel then?

We are supposed to be in this for the long run. As we age, some go bald and some get fat and some have diseases or accidents that steal their attractiveness. I don't personally want a partner that will be dependent upon me meeting all his preferences. I want one that will love me for me.

50 pounds for any decent size guy is not that much weight and is not life threatening at all. It will be hard to lose but he may never lose it. She needs to decide if she is willing to stay with him if he never does. That much is a fact.

[digitalfever]

How about if he loses his hair? If he cannot afford those plugs and loses his attactiveness? This is a part of life and men can go bald as early as late twenties. You cannot pick a lifemate and assume they will always be as attractive. I stay fit for me and not for my man.

I agree with one thing, some people are shallow, they need their SO's to be pretty on the outside. If it is a deal breaker then break up. Once you go over the 30 pound mark it gets very hard to lose the weight. How long will you wait if this is a deal breaker for you and it is very unfair to him if you feel it is and don't tell him.

I can only wonder that if you had a car accident and were horribly mamed would he be so likely to think less of you? There are no guarantees in life that neither of us will not lose some of that shine at times, that is the whole point of picking a life partner you love without conditions. You sound like you still have conditions.

I don't see the immediate correlation between "I want my SO to loose weight because I'm less attracted to him" and "I want my SO to be pretty so that he looks great ALL THE TIME!!!!"


While one is shallow and totally emphasizes physicality over connection the other is simply a preference that has to do with the relationship as a whole.

People leave their partners all the time. I don't understand why everyone is so emotional?

[Kiyama]

My boyfriend and I have been long distance since we started dating 3 and 1/2 years ago. I love him so very much. We have an amazing connection. I am extremely active, exercising almost everyday and I eat really healthy. He eats well, but does not exercise. He just recently got a new job where he sits at a desk all day long. This has brought on a good bit of weight gain. At least 50 pounds. I need to be with someone active and I want to be with him. It's hard to inspire someone to lose weight from 300 miles away.

Does anyone have any tips on encouraging him to lose weight? I'm scared I'm losing my attraction for him.

Firstly, you don't gain 50 pounds just from sitting at your desk. If he ate well, he wouldn't have gained that much weight. We're not talking about a couple of kilos here but about quite an amount.
Can health issues be excluded? If he really does eat well (and that's not something he's just telling you because he's scared to tell you the truth), he should get himself checked.

I understand your concerns. In my opinion you're not superficial or shallow because you don't like his weight gain too much. Again, I want to stress here that I'm not talking about a few pounds here but 50, which is quite a bit. I agree with Digitalfever, you fell in love with the whole package, character and appearance.
The thing is that there might not be too much you can do. Loosing that much weight is very difficult and starting to pick on him is the worst you can do. He might never go back down to his original weight so ask yourself if you still find him attractive, even if he looses only half of the gained weight.

[Hollandia]

How about if he loses his hair? If he cannot afford those plugs and loses his attactiveness? This is a part of life and men can go bald as early as late twenties. You cannot pick a lifemate and assume they will always be as attractive. I stay fit for me and not for my man.

I agree with one thing, some people are shallow, they need their SO's to be pretty on the outside. If it is a deal breaker then break up. Once you go over the 30 pound mark it gets very hard to lose the weight. How long will you wait if this is a deal breaker for you and it is very unfair to him if you feel it is and don't tell him.

I can only wonder that if you had a car accident and were horribly mamed would he be so likely to think less of you? There are no guarantees in life that neither of us will not lose some of that shine at times, that is the whole point of picking a life partner you love without conditions. You sound like you still have conditions.

[temporaryuser]

If he has also noticed the weight gain, and is concerend, then offer some friendly tips.
Help him pick out healhty food choices - things he can pack instead of eating out.
Suggest he go for a walk/park further away
There are tons of apps that you can both do and have a friendly competition.
Now, if he isnt concerend and/or hasnt mentioned it, like others said it is something you may have to accept. if it is a deal breaker, then I would talk to him about it and express your concerens